Chapter 23: Desensitization

When you're in a toxic relationship, desensitization can become second nature. It's like a frog in a pot of water that gradually boils and eventually kills the frog. It happens so slowly over time that you don't even realize it has happened to you. One definition:

Desensitization is a process that diminishes emotional responsiveness to a stimulus after repeated exposure to it. Desensitization also occurs when an emotional response is repeatedly evoked in situations in which the action tendency that is associated with the emotion proves irrelevant or unnecessary.

Shortly after my divorce, I experienced a few unexpected triggers that brought up memories to the surface I didn't know I had. I also found some old journal entries that talked about things that seemed like they should have been events burned into my brain forever, yet I had completely forgotten all existence of them. I thought "were things so bad that I blocked it from my memory?" I discussed it with my therapist and s/he said that it's more likely that I had become desensitized to the way things were on a regular basis. S/he asked me "could you tell me what you ate for breakfast the last 5 days? Or what shirt you wore?" Most people will answer no that, not because it was traumatic, but because the brain deems it as irrelevant. While yes, things that I experienced were traumatic, it was so commonplace that my brain didn't categorize it as traumatic, and it was just filed away as unnecessary to remember because of how commonplace it was.

Unfortunately, in a toxic or abusive relationship, you will have many many instances of your brain categorizing traumatic things as irrelevant because they just become so normal. The problem for me was also that my ex had done such a good job of isolating me and scaring me into never talking with anyone about the things that were going on at home, that I was fully desensitized. I had no objective 3rd party to tell me "that's not normal", so I didn't know things were as bad as they were. 

Shortly before our split, my ex had left me a pretty awful voicemail. For some reason, I ended up playing the voicemail for a friend about a week later. As it began playing, her jaw dropped, she gasped, covered her mouth in shock, looked up at me and said "my husband has NEVER spoken to me like that... EVER." Really? It was that bad? That wasn't normal? I honestly had no idea. I had been desensitized. It was not uncommon for him to speak to me that way, so I didn't realize it wasn't normal. To this day, I still have that voicemail saved and any time I wonder "was it really that bad?", I play the voicemail and remember that yes, it really was that bad. I can listen to it more objectively now, now that I'm not a desensitized frog in a pot of water. And I keep it as a reminder to never be that frog again.

THIS is why it is VITAL to have a confidant of some kind. Friend, neighbor, family member, therapist, I don't care who it is. Your mental health absolutely NEEDS you to have an objective 3rd party to speak with. I don't care what your spouse/partner says, if they try to prevent that, they are isolating you and that's another form of abuse. If they don't want you to have any friends or confidants, it's because they don't want to be exposed. But just as that frog doesn't realize the water is getting hotter, neither will you. But if someone walks up to the pot and looks in and sees it starting to bubble, they can say "whoa that is getting HOT we need to get you out of there" before you boil. You likely won't be able to see it yourself because of how gradual it is. You need someone to talk with. 

Please, please do not feel like you have to bear the burden of everything on your own. You NEED other people, and other people will want to help you. If you feel like you have no one in your own world to trust, please go to thehotline.org. You can call, chat, or text and someone will be able to help you. Please don't become that frog that gets boiled. You are worth more. ❤️

Chapter 22: All Progress is Progress

This has been big for me recently. There have been times in the last few weeks where I've felt like I should have made more progress than I have in my journey thus far. But through some intensive journaling I've done over the last several weeks, the above text in the image came directly from my journal. If you moved 1 millimeter forward this week, that's still better than where you were last week! And that's 52 millimeters (~2 inches) at the end of the year! THAT is still progress, and that should still be celebrated. 

It's all about the baby steps. Processing trauma can be SO incredibly difficult. Some pieces may be easier to work through, but some hit you in the face like an oncoming train. And those pieces are the ones that will take a significant amount of time to heal from, and that is okay. The key is that you are constantly working on it. You are pushing forward to a better and healthier you. As long as you are moving forward and not remaining stagnant, not sitting in your trauma, not blaming others, and addressing things, you are making progress. 

ALL progress is progress. 

As I've been processing all of this, I turned to poetry, as I often do. There's just something therapeutic about it for me. So here's my latest:

Processing Trauma

Our brains have a funny way of keeping things locked
The trauma we experience gets hidden and blocked
Sometimes we don’t even have memories of events
Until something triggers it and then it gets intense

In those unexpected moments the whole world seems to freeze
Suddenly the horrors you can recall with great ease
It feels like you’re back in those moments of pain
As if it were happening, reliving it again

You’re trapped in a time capsule, no feasible way out
You want to escape, but your body’s stuck on this route
It’s like you are watching it all unfold from afar
Being reminded of each and every one of your scars

The amount of strength it takes to pull yourself out
To get back to reality, to silence those doubts
It takes everything in you to come back to earth
To not let it rule you, to remember your worth

And then in those moments, you may have chats in your head
Telling trauma brain to cool it, stop filling with dread
You’re out of the fire you’re safe and you’re free
It’s over and done with, there’s no need to flee

It’s hard, it’s not easy, to process these thoughts
And it can be tough to connect all the dots
Allow yourself space to work through all your pain
This process takes time, so be kind to your brain

It may be one of the hardest things that you’ve done
You might want to scream and you might want to run
But processing through all your traumas and fears
I promise will lead you to much better years

You have it inside you to push through the hurt
To forge a new path and dust off all that dirt
Sometimes you may stumble, sometimes you may fall
But progress is progress no matter how small

Chapter 21: What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an extremely important topic that I don't feel gets enough attention. I didn't even learn what gaslighting was until 8 years into my marriage, and even then, I disregarded it, convinced that that wasn't what was happening to me. So let's break it down a little.

What is Gaslighting?

The official definition is "to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." Another is "gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality." It is a type of emotional abuse (yes, gaslighting is abuse) and can happen to anyone, in any relationship. The scary part of gaslighting is that if you don't recognize it, you run the risk of believing over time that you must be losing your mind. You'll stop trusting yourself, your memory, your judgment, etc. It may start out small, but the more your partner gaslights you, the worse it can get.

Gaslighting Phrases

There are several phrases to be aware of that are typically key indicators you are being gaslit. Here are a few:

1. That never happened

2. You're remembering wrong/you have a terrible memory

3. You're too sensitive/stop being so sensitive

4. It's all in your head

5. Why can't you take a joke?

6. You need help

7. It wasn't that bad

8. You have no right to feel that way

Signs You Might Be A Victim of Gaslighting

Here are some things to be aware of. If you identify with some or many of these, your partner may be gaslighting you:

1. You have begun to question your own reality

2. You are constantly questioning if you're too sensitive and/or can't take a joke

3. You over apologize to your partner

4. You withhold information about your partner, cover for them, or make excuses for them

5. You find yourself angry or distant with people you've always had a great relationship with before

6. You know you are different than an earlier time in your life where you were confident and relaxed

7. You feel hopeless and as though you can't do anything right

8. You often feel that you're not good enough, especially for your partner

Let's Get Personal

I cannot tell you how many times most if not all of those gaslighting phrases were used on me and how many of the signs I experienced as well. "You're remembering wrong" or other variations connected to memory and events ("I never said that", "that never happened", etc) were said more times than I can count. Sometimes it felt like this one was a daily occurrence. And he spoke things with such conviction (and force) that over time, I began to believe him and his version over my own truth. He would call me arrogant (among other things) if I challenged him in any way, would say things like "your memory isn't as perfect as you think it is", and tell me that I was never able to admit fault, wrongdoing, or say sorry. These are pretty strong accusations and in my determination to prove to him that I AM able to admit fault, wrongdoing, and say sorry, I would concede over and over again. But this of course left me questioning my own reality and sanity time and time again. It was so confusing to me because before I was married, I had a great memory, so what changed? Why was my memory so terrible now? Well, it wasn't - I was being gaslit and just didn't know it. I remember very clearly the first time thinking to myself, "I feel like I don't even know what's real anymore", and that was a very scary feeling. 

A lot of gaslighting involves planting little seeds of doubt or trying to get you to change your mindset, not just with memory-based stuff. My ex drove a wedge between me and my family and even encouraged me to permanently cut ties with certain family members. He tried to convince me they were toxic and no good, and that I was better off without them. Fortunately, I have very strong bonds with my family and he did not succeed in that, but sadly it does work in a lot of abusive situations. 

How to Combat Gaslighting

After my divorce, I started reading the book The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern. It was a tough read for me, because the author reiterates multiple times "it takes two to tango", which didn't feel fair because I was the one being gaslit, and she was saying it was partially MY fault? I had to set it down and come back to it a few times before I really started to understand what she was saying and why she was saying it. 

To put it as simply as possible, a fire will eventually go out if you don't add more kindling or wood to it. If you ignore it or walk away, it has no fuel to continue burning and will eventually die out. With gaslighting, your partner essentially starts a fire, and every time you engage, you are adding fuel and inadvertently burning yourself in the process. If your partner claims xyz and you engage to refute his claim, you just put fuel on the fire. There is so much to tackle from this book and I highly recommend you read it if you want to learn more about gaslighting, but the biggest take away is to stop engaging. If your partner says "that didn't happen", instead of saying "yes it did" and starting an argument, just say something simple like "agree to disagree" and walk away. If he says "you're remembering wrong", instead of engaging, say something like "sometimes we just see things differently" and walk away. You do not need to 'prove him wrong' or even defend yourself. If you know your truth, that's all that matters. 

This is where grey rocking can come in extremely handy as well. In my grey rock post, my ex tried to accuse me of doing something *I* knew I didn't do and instead of trying to defend myself or prove anything, I just calmly said "thank you, I have heard you." It completely killed the proverbial fire, knocked the wind out of his sails, and he ended up walking away. By grey rocking, his gaslight attempt failed, it left him with no fuel to fan the flame, and no upper hand to get me to submit.

Ultimately, a lot of gaslighting deals with how you react and what you do with it, which was a really tough pill for me to swallow. But first, you need to recognize and come to terms with the fact that your partner is gaslighting you. To be clear, in no way am I saying it's your fault, because it is NOT -- no one should ever try to twist your own reality, plants seeds of doubt, or make you feel less than or crazy, and that is still considered emotional abuse. But you do actually have more power in these situations than you may realize and it's eye-opening once you come to that realization.  Don't engage, walk away, and let his abusive fire die.

Chapter 20: Marriage is Like a Business Contract

I'm part of a wonderful support group on Facebook where members help each other understand what's happening pre and post divorce, and how to best heal and move on. Something one of the members said recently was so profound that I wanted to include it here, because I think more people need to be able to see it this black and white when they're in the thick of the fog of an abusive marriage.

Marriage Is Like a Business Contract

There was another member of this group struggling hard with the fact that they made a vow when they got married, and how do you break that vow/walk away from it? They were getting really hard on themselves and asked for advice on how others in the group worked through it. Then another person commented (I'm paraphrasing):

"Let's take marriage in the most basic of senses. It is a contract. In the business world, people make contracts all the time. Both parties agree to the terms of the contract, but if one party violates or doesn't hold up their end of the contract, it is NOT the other party's responsibility to make things right/fix their problems. It's the responsibility of the party who broke it. If that party has no interest in making amends or is adamant that they didn't do anything that violated the contract, then you are under NO obligation to try and maintain that contract. It has already been broken. You are free and clear to walk away because that contract is null and void now. You did not break the contract. You held up your end, and that end is still in tact. You were honorable. The other party was not. "

Wow, that just hit me like a ton of bricks when I read this person's analogy. I had been told something similar by the friend I confided in right before I filed, which was extremely comforting in the moment; but this just brought it to a whole new level for me. 

I spent years upon years of blood, sweat, and tears trying to make this 'contract' work. Each time the other party (my ex) broke the contract, I was still trying desperately to make it work. I bent over backwards to be more accommodating. I accepted blame for so many things that I realize now were not my fault. I accepted apologies for the same indiscretions more times than I can count, even though the behavior wasn't changing. Over and over again, I was trying to fix the contract that HE had broken numerous times already. 

But in business, you would never do that. One time, maybe. More than once? No, that business deal would be 100% done and over with. So why are you allowing yourself to be stepped on right now? Each situation is different. Maybe he cheated, maybe he lied, maybe he has addictions, maybe he actually got physical with you. But if he is not establishing a pattern of change and improvement, and if his words and actions don't match, you're just allowing him to keep breaking that contract over and over again while you sit there and take it and are essentially communicating that you are okay with this behavior and treatment.

Don't let him reduce you to that. You are worth MORE than that. You do not deserve to be treated poorly. Whatever his demons are, those are NOT your fault, no matter what he tries to tell you. You did not MAKE him hit you. You did not MAKE him gamble, or lie or cheat or steal. He CHOSE that. And if he ever blames you for it, be very careful, because you may turn into his human punching bag, sometimes figuratively, and unfortunately sometimes literally. 

If he breaks the contract, the marriage vows, you are under NO obligation to stay, no matter what your family, friends, or religious leaders say. Break the trauma bond. Remind yourself that it is NOT your fault; his actions are NOT a result of your shortcomings. You deserve to be in a kind and loving relationship filled with mutual respect and care. Do not stay because "you're supposed to". That's what I did, for over a decade, even though it was almost immediately bad. Find your truth. If your spouse breaks that contract, know that YOU are not breaking the contract or vows by leaving. He already broke it. You are now choosing to walk away from an awful situation that was created by his actions, not yours. I have faith in you. You are strong and you can do it. ❤️ Go find your happiness and freedom. 

Chapter 19: Grey Rock

If you're not familiar with emotional abuse and the terms associated, this might sound like a weird one. I didn't even learn what this was until long after my ex and I separated, but oh how I wish I had known about this earlier on because of how effective it can be. 

What is the Grey Rock Method?

The grey rock method means you essentially became as flat and emotionless as a grey rock. You are as unresponsive as possible. If someone tries to pick a fight with you, instead of getting defensive, you say something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and do not engage further. If someone asks you a question, you answer as emotionless and shortly and succinctly as possible, nothing more. "Grey rocking" is a tactic used to deflate your abuser and protect yourself.

How Is This Applied?

In an abusive relationship, your abuser likely often knows exactly how to hurt you. They probably accuse you of untrue things all the time, and you probably give them some kind of reaction, which is exactly what they are looking for. If your abuser commonly calls you names, insults or humiliates you, gaslights you, etc., you likely react with tears, anger, frustration, etc. Whatever your reaction, you react. You engage. Your abuser typically feeds off of this energy. Toxic and manipulative people thrive on conflict and chaos. Many abusers purposefully push these buttons to get you to react and get angry and then they are suddenly 100% calm in an instant and turn it around on you, asking you why you are so upset, while they're sitting there cool as a cucumber, further messing with your mind and reality. 

However, if you don't give your abuser the reaction they're looking for, it deflates them, and they don't know what to do. They're used to getting a certain reaction out of you and feeding off of that, so if you don't react, they don't have any ammo or negative energy to feed off of. Grey rocking allows you to take some of your power back. 

The first time I did this, I had no idea what grey rocking was. It was the day before I was going to kick my ex out and I was desperately trying to keep it together because the plan had to stay in tact (I didn't feel safe telling him without someone else present). We were doing basic house cleaning, and he tried to pick a fight on who should be doing what. But instead of reacting or engaging, I just said "okay, I'll do it." It totally took him off guard. A few minutes later, in a further attempt to get me to engage/react, he accused me of escalating, which was so confusing because I had not reacted to anything. I did slightly engage here and say very flatly, "no, I'm not." His own tone escalated as he exclaimed "yes you are!" I replied with something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and continued cleaning. He stood there for a moment, and then stormed off in a huff. Once I was done cleaning, I sat down on the couch. He came and sat a few seats away and said, "can we finish our conversation?" I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, and said "I didn't know there was more to say, but if you feel there is, then go ahead." He tried again to tell me that I was escalating earlier, and kept trying to get a reaction out of me, but then I interrupted him and asked very calmly, "what is your purpose with this conversation?" This also took him extremely aback as this was very out of character for me. He was silent for a few seconds and then said "to let you know that you were escalating." With zero emotion, I replied, "I have heard you. Thank you." He got angry, escalated himself and nearly shouted, "No you haven't!" I just repeated flatly, "I have heard you. Thank you." He had no idea how to respond. He got zero reaction out of me. I did not engage at all, and he had no idea what to do with that. He didn't get the energy or conflict he was looking for and it was so foreign to him that he sat there almost dumbfounded for a minute. It honestly was the weirdest experience for me. I'd never seen him at a loss for words like that. He sat there for another few moments and then stormed off in a huff. 

Let me tell you... that experience was absolutely amazing. I didn't even know why at the time. I didn't know this was an actual tactic. I didn't fully understand what emotional abuse was yet and I'd never heard of grey rocking, but for the first time in over a decade, I felt like I had taken some of my power back. It was invigorating. He tried to stomp on me and failed. I wasn't left in tears. I wasn't left a wreck. I wasn't left confused, questioning my own reality or words. It was like I had accidentally found and used an emotional shield that deflected his attacks. For me, grey rocking gave me added courage that I needed for the next day. 

Take Back Your Power

If you are in an abusive (or toxic) relationship and are seeking further emotional protection, implement the grey rock method. It really works. Give it a try and see how you feel afterward. If you are divorced from your abuser but can't go no-contact due to custody arrangements, utilize grey rock whenever you have to speak with your ex. This works even with a toxic coworker or any toxic person you have to deal with. Stand in your power. Don't give others the power to control you and your emotions. You have the strength within you to find yourself again and to be stronger than ever before.

***Note: if your partner has a propensity for violence, be very careful with grey rock. Some abusers escalate when they do not get a reaction of out you and it could put you at greater risk. if your partner has ever been violent in ANY way (this includes punching/throwing/hitting inanimate objects), please call the national Domestic Violent hotline: 800-799-7233 and they can help you safely escape.

Chapter 18: Game Night Trigger

I love games. I love learning new ones and also love introducing those same ones to friends. My ex and I did game nights with friends quite a bit, and we often had new games to introduce to others. But each time I would try to explain a game, he'd swoop in and take over in record speed. You see, I was never allowed to explain how to play a game, because I'm "terrible at explaining games". He would tell me (and others) that all the time. I either explained too much too soon, not enough to start, confused people even more than they already were, stressed people out with the way I explained games, you name it. He gave me a huge complex around this. And by the end of our marriage, I honestly believed it... until one friend shortly after separation who had done a single game night with us in the past said "I noticed he didn't always treat you very well." I was curious what she meant by that, and I asked if she'd be okay elaborating. The example she gave? "When we were playing [game] and you started to explain it, he stepped all over you and took over. I thought, 'she was explaining the game just fine. Why did he do that?' I remember thinking 'wow I would so not be okay with being treated that way." It was the first validation I had that it wasn't just me, that I was doing just fine explaining the game, and that someone else had noticed right away how he takes over. 

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago. I attended a game night with some friends. Each of us brought some games to choose from. Once it was decided that the first game would be one that I brought and would therefore have to explain, I was filled with anxiety. But I wasn't going to let it stop me - I refuse to give it control over me. I took a deep breath, started explaining, and everyone understood right away. Huge relief. The game went great and everyone had a good time. Game #2 was then chosen, and it was also a game that I brought, so it was time for me to explain another game. I explained the basics, and everyone was a little confused on the game play. Oh no...

I cannot even describe to you all the thoughts and feelings that went through my head in milliseconds. So much anxiety, fear, trepidation, etc. But then the craziest most terrifying thing happened. Since the divorce, I had not yet experienced anything this real and in-my-face. It was as if my ex was suddenly standing right next to me, saying all the disparaging things directly into my ear. "How many times do I have to tell you that you are terrible at explaining games? Why do you never believe me? You should never be the one to explain a game. See? You just confused everyone even more and now they have no idea what's going on. They're not even going to want to play the game because of how poorly you explained it." I could go on, but you get the idea. 

The most difficult part though, was that with all of these things being "said" into my ear, I was also still actively trying to re-explain this game a second time, all while my body wanted to run away, hide in a corner, and cry. It was the most real and traumatizing thing I'd felt or experienced since the divorce. In those moments, it felt like he was right there saying these things to me in real time. And I'm simultaneously in process of re-explaining the game a second time, also in real time. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone who's yelling in your ear and continue a conversation as if nothing is wrong? Just imagine that. That's essentially what I was doing. I just prayed the group would understand it the second time through, and luckily, they did. We played the game, had a good time, and everything was totally fine after that. 

So why do I tell you about this? To give you hope that you too can work through a trigger in real time. Do not let it debilitate you. It took so much strength to push through that. I had to dig deeper than I knew was possible. My mind was working overtime, trying to process an active trigger, trying to have a conversation with 'Trauma Brain' telling it that we'll be okay, resisting the urge to run off in tears, continuing the explanation of the game, and more. It. was. exhausting. But I did it. I succeeded. I processed it, I came out on the other end, and I didn't let it destroy my night. I proved to MYSELF that I can in fact explain games just fine. I proved to myself that I can overcome triggers. I proved to myself that I am capable and strong and can rise above my traumas. 

Anyone who has been through trauma is likely going to have some triggers. As I've said before, it's not a matter of "if" but "when", and we need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for when these moments happen. While you can't prevent it from happening, you can prepare for it and decide how you'll manage it. And when you're experiencing it in the moment, don't just push it away or shove it down, because that won't help you overcome it. A wise person once told me that you must address the trigger and give it space in order to begin healing from it. Tell your 'Trauma Brain' something like "Yes, this is/was a scary thing, but you're safe now and it's going to be okay." 

So, decide now how you will handle when triggers arise. Learn some breathing techniques to keep you calm in the moment, prepare to give the trigger and those feelings space but not enough to consume you, and remind yourself that it's in the past and that you're going to be okay. It IS in the past, and you WILL be okay. You won't magically transform overnight, but you will be okay. You're a survivor. Keep moving forward, keep learning and growing, keep progressing. You will overcome your traumas. You are stronger than you know. 💪

Chapter 17: Let's Talk About Tomatoes

Okay, I know you're probably thinking "Tomatoes? What does this have to do with abuse?" Well, let me tell you... 

A few weeks after separation, my mother came to stay with me for several weeks to help me navigate everything. Naturally, we had many conversations while she was here. I don't even remember how it came up, but I was telling her how critical my ex was of everything. I used tomatoes as a real-life example where I would make him a sandwich, but then he'd criticize the thickness of the tomato slices instead of saying thank you (Ex: "Why would you cut them that thick? No one wants them that thick. It ruins the sandwich when all you can taste is tomato. Why can't you slice them thin? It's not that hard. Do I need to show you again?"). I unknowingly would always immediately apologize and take the blame for it, even though he should have just appreciated the fact that I made him something. He did this with all sorts of things, but seemed especially picky about the perfection of food - perfection to his standards, of course. 

A few days went by, and I made some sandwiches for myself and my mom, which included tomatoes. (As I was slicing the tomatoes, I even remember thinking almost subconsciously, "are these too thick? I hope they're okay.") I gave her the sandwich, and after she took a bite, she jokingly said "I think you cut the tomato slices too thick." This was my immediate and almost involuntary response: "Oh I'm so sorry." I either made a disparaging remark about myself ("I always cut them too thick"), or might have even offered to slice some more; I can't remember. But either way, I immediately accepted blame for it and was trying to make it better, falling all over myself trying make amends. My mother had to quickly interrupt me and say "Sweetie, it was a joke. Just trying to make light of the situation." And that's when I completely fell apart and just sobbed. I was so angry that he had his claws in me so deep that I didn't even notice how I'd responded, that he had completely conditioned me to respond in a very specific way, and that I was immediately apologizing all over the place to my mother when she tried to joke about it. I didn't even notice the sarcasm in her voice, because I was so used to comments like that just being a normal part of my everyday life. 

Then of course, it had me thinking, what else was he like that with? How many other instances in all facets of life did the same scenario play out on a daily basis? I do know that I overly apologized all the time. But this tomato scenario was one of the first times I had to face head on that I was in an extremely toxic relationship. I was still so fresh out of the relationship that I hadn't even recognized it for what it was. I was still making excuses for him. I was in denial. He wasn't really abusive, right? Sorry, yes, he was. Emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is very real, is often highly overlooked and disregarded, and is infinitely more difficult to prove because there aren't visible bruises that you wear as battle wounds. These wounds are invisible. Unrecognizable. It is a silent battle that is often fought entirely alone, as it slowly eats away at you a little more each day.

This tomato experience put me on a path to self-discovery. There are more things than I can count that I have learned and continue to learn about regarding how he treated me. I've also found an amazing support group of people formerly married to someone similar to my ex that have provided so much validation to my experience, to help me realize that I am not alone in this, and that it really was abuse. This is a battle I still fight every day. I'm constantly having to step back and think "Why am I reacting this way?" and do my own self-analysis of my inner thoughts. I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by people who are so patient with me as I unpack these traumas. 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to once again emphasize that you are not alone. What you experienced was real. You went through real trauma. You do not deserve to be treated the way you were. You do not deserve to be talked to in a disparaging or insulting way and you do not deserve to be degraded or gaslit. If you are recovering from an abusive or toxic relationship, please find a trusted therapist if you haven't already - this has helped and continues to help me immensely. Consider journaling as well - I have typed hundreds of pages since my divorce. It has become very therapeutic and has really helped me to sort through my feelings and emotions and honestly, has helped me to understand me more. Read books or watch subject matter experts relevant to your type(s) of abuse. Do whatever works for you, but don't be stagnant. Don't get stuck in your misery. Don't blame other people; don't make excuses. Only YOU have the power to take back your life and become a better you. 

Find healthy ways to face your traumas and ways to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, how you were affected, how you are going to handle/treat it in the present, and what you are going to do about it moving forward. Do not let the abuse define you. What you went through wasn't okay, but don't let it consume you. Learn from it, work through it, and become stronger because of it. ❤️

Chapter 16: Finding Myself

 

I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head this week, and sometimes when I have more thoughts than I know what to do with, I turn to poetry and it helps me put my thoughts into coherent words. So, here's another poem.  

Finding Myself

My mind is all jumbled and I can’t figure out, what’s your fault and what is mine
The ways that you twisted my thoughts and my words, I’m still having the hardest time
Someone will say something innocent to me, and I internalize it way too much
I interpret the words as harshly as you once conveyed, I remember how you would judge

So without even realizing, there are changes I make, ‘cause inside I’m still scared of your wrath
You’re not even here and the people are new, yet my mind is still stuck on that path
You conditioned me so much to conform to your ways, that I still constantly try to improve
It’s hard to remember you don’t control me anymore; your shadow is so hard to remove

If someone makes any suggestion at all, I take note and work fast to correct
My body is still trying to protect at all costs, and the differences it cannot detect 
So I’m left to sort out why I do what I do, is it me or your lasting effects?
How would I have acted before meeting you? These dots are so hard to connect

Each day I feel like I’m retraining my brain, have to help it find safety and peace
I’m away from the pain and the hurt I endured, now I just need my brain to release
Still working on ways to compare and contrast, it’s a balance I haven’t quite figured out
Is it true that the good ones won’t act like you did? Every day I still battle the doubt

While I’ve found so much peace being free from your reign, there’s so much that I’m still working through
It requires some deep introspection and thought, trying to make sense of what’s really true
But I am determined to reclaim my life, to remember who I am at my core
I’m finding myself a little more every day, and I will emerge even stronger than before

Chapter 15: Find Your Outlet

No matter how much you love someone, you need "you time". You need time with friends. You need good outlets/hobbies and relationships outside of your partner. Yes, your partner should be important, and there should be a healthy amount of focus on continuously nurturing that relationship as well, but s/he cannot be your entire universe. If your partner makes you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, or spending time with friends, or pursuing hobbies, this is not healthy. It is critical to have all things in moderation. There are actually several health benefits to living a balanced life, too, and you do need all of these in order to be your best self. 

Benefits of Time To Yourself

The key here is choosing to spend time alone with yourself rather than having no choice, but when you choose this, it can improve your mental health. When you're comfortable being alone, it can actually increase happiness and help you to manage stress better. Also, when left to your own thoughts, it can help spark creativity by letting your mind wander. Maybe you'll finish that project you've been meaning to get to for ages, write a poem that comes to mind while in your own thoughts, or reorganize an entire room. By letting your imagination run wild or using that time to accomplish something, this can also boost your self-esteem. You can step back and proudly say "I did that." 

Intentional time alone also helps you to clear your mind. It helps you to sort through your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Journaling, meditating, taking time to center yourself, etc., can all help you to become more self-aware and to open up your mind and gain new perspectives. Don't be afraid of spending time with yourself. See it as an opportunity for grounding and growth.

Benefits of Time With Friends

There have been numerous studies that show that having a strong social support is "strongly associated with better mental and physical health." Your stress levels are typically reduced, it improves your mood, and it can even help facilitate improvement in your physical health as well. There was a study done several years ago that found that people who lack social ties are 3x more likely to die sooner than those who had strong social ties. So, spending time with friends can literally save your life. 

Having a good support system is also extremely important to preventing feelings of isolation. When you feel you have no one to turn to, no one you can trust, no one who understands you or can help you, no one who will be there for you, you leave the door wide open to depression, fear, anxiety, and a slew of other issues. There is something extremely calming and reassuring when you know you have that handful of people in your life you can turn to for anything. And on the flip side, when you are given the opportunity to be that friend to someone else, it is empowering and gives you purpose in life and increases your capacity to love and be compassionate. Either end that you are on is a beneficial one for your own health. And when you and a friend have gone through or supported each other through difficult situations, there is a very strong bond that forms between you... a constant reminder that you are not alone and will always have someone you can turn to.

Benefits of Outlets

Everyone needs their outlets. Of course, these need to be healthy outlets, and these outlets need to be done in moderation, not obsessively. Going to the gym can be a great thing, but practically living at the gym is not healthy. Don't let your outlets of choice consume your life. But you do need to find what your outlets are that bring you joy in life. Whether it's sports, music, writing, painting, sewing, woodworking, you name it. Almost anything can become a hobby and healthy outlet. 

If you couldn't tell, writing has become one of my own outlets. I also now participate in a particular sport several times a week, and both have brought me great joy and have helped immensely not only in my own healing, but just in my general day-to-day mood. I have things that I look forward to, things I can be proud of. Often, these hobbies and outlets can give you a reason to get up in the morning. Whether it's the 5K you've been prepping for for weeks, the gift you're working on for a friend, the new sport you can't wait to get better at, etc. Healthy outlets help bring you joy in life that can in turn improve your mental and physical health. 

What Does This Have To Do With Abuse?

I spent years bending over backwards trying to please my ex and be what he wanted. I desperately wanted his approval and to make things work, so I gave up almost all social and familial ties, all my hobbies, and ultimately, who I am at my core. I completely lost myself in my attempts to make things better with and for him. If he felt I wasn't spending enough time with him, I'd cancel my plans. I'd go out of my way to show him how much I cared, even at my own emotional expense. If he called while I was out with friends and said he needed me, I'd drop everything and come to his aid/rescue. If he told me he wasn't comfortable with me spending time with so&so, I'd stop spending time with that person. (this even included my [female] therapist) If he told me to keep my mouth shut about something, I obeyed. If he didn't have an interest in something I was interested in, I gave it up. He wanted me to share in his hobbies, so I tried so hard to like what he liked and to be passionate about what he was passionate about, but it just wasn't me. 

I went against everything that I was to be what he wanted me to be in desperate attempts to make things work. And this, ladies and gentleman, is how I became an empty shell. The time to myself wasn't by choice, it was through unwanted isolation. The isolation paved the way for a lack of friends and supports, and the resulting depression obliterated any interest I once had in hobbies. 

I now understand the great importance of having a balance in all things, and for advocating for yourself and what you need in order to be healthy. You need to be able to choose time to yourself without interruption, you absolutely NEED social supports in your life, and it is imperative that you find outlets that bring you joy and satisfaction. Please do not ever give these up for the sake of pleasing a partner - I promise you it will not help your situation. You need time on your own to reflect and find yourself. Find your healthy relationships and don't give them up for anything. Find your outlets and love them, be proud of them, and hang on to them. You will be a stronger, healthier, more fulfilled YOU if you do these things. 

Chapter 14: Who's to Blame?

In many disagreements or arguments, both parties are at fault to some degree. Perhaps Person A escalated and Person B matched the escalation. Or maybe the day prior, Person B said something hurtful to Person A and it went undiscussed and then festered, so then Person A later blew up at Person B. Regardless of the situation, it's almost always a two-way street; and in general, both parties have contributed to some degree, need to own that, accept responsibility for it, apologize, and move forward. This is how a healthy relationship works. But sometimes, it really is one-sided. And for someone who has been in an abusive relationship, that line becomes extremely blurred. 

Let's say you broke something of someone else's. You are the only one at fault, accident or not. The other person is not to blame. And let's say you don't approach the person first but instead try to hide it, and then the person finds their beloved item broken and they ask you about it and you lie to cover it up... the other person is still not to blame. Then let's say that person discovers proof that you did in fact break it and also lied about it, and is understandably upset. So they confront you in a calm manner, but tears are shed because of how hurt they are by your actions. The other person is still not to blame. So now that you're caught in the act, you have no choice but to apologize, so you do. This is one of those instances where the other person does not owe you an apology for anything. They are not at fault for what you did. 

Blame in An Abusive Relationship

The first time I experienced this, I was caught so off-guard. I discovered something pretty significant that my ex tried to hide from me and something he subsequently lied to me about, and I confronted him about it. I was hurt, confused, and just wanted the truth. I never raised my voice, I never called him names of any kind. Once there was no other way around it, he apologized. I said "thank you", and thought it was over. But he stood there, getting increasingly upset. I asked him what was wrong, and he asked, "don't you have anything to say?" Confused, I replied, "...no?" 

Turns out, he was waiting for me to apologize. Now, I feel that I am pretty good at owning when I've done something wrong, apologizing, and making amends for it, but I legitimately had no idea what he was waiting for me to apologize for. But if there was something I did, I wanted to know so that I could make amends. So I followed up with, "I'm not sure what you're talking about - for what?" This turned into a lecture about how I can never accept responsibility for my part in things and refuse to apologize for anything, but he never actually told me what he was waiting for me to apologize for. He quite often used this tactic of not giving me a clear answer, all while causing me to feel horrible about myself for being so 'dense'. If I asked for clarification or what he specifically was referring to so I could know what to apologize for, improve, be more self-aware and accept responsibility for things, he would respond cryptically with something like "the fact that you don't even know makes it all the worse. It's not even worth it if I have to spell it out for you." He'd leave me feeling more confused and hurt than before, because I would legitimately have no idea what he felt I needed to apologize for... but he also wouldn't tell me, so there was no way for me to 'get better', if there really was something I needed to improve on.

One example of how this might happen in an abusive relationship: Say you suspect your partner of doing something wrong or dishonest. You confront him about it and he denies it and assures you that you have nothing to worry about. You want desperately to trust him, so you believe him and let it go. But then as you're doing laundry, you make sure all the pockets have been emptied before putting them into the washing machine and as you do, you find evidence in one of his pockets of the very thing you were worried about. You have physical proof. So you confront him about it, but it turns into you not respecting his privacy and going through his things without permission, and how horrible that was of you to do such a thing. I promise you, YOU are not to blame. You were doing his laundry for him and you weren't doing anything wrong. He is diverting attention away from the deceitful thing he did and trying to shift blame onto you to distract from what he did. Regardless of the scenario of how you discovered evidence, he will do everything he can to convince you that you were the one at fault and that you are the one who needs to apologize. He will completely deflect the initial subject of confrontation and turn it around to make you feel like you did something horrible that you need to apologize for. And the scary part is that you probably will end up believing it and apologizing... over and over again. I certainly did.

Another example is around emotions. It is really common for the abuser to blame the victim's emotions for how he reacted or treated her. She shouldn't have been upset, it wasn't that big of a deal, she shouldn't have confronted him as soon as he got home, she overreacted, she read too much into it, she didn't handle it right, she approached it poorly, her timing was bad, she got too emotional, she shouldn't have ___, and the list goes on. I can't even count the number of times blame was shifted onto me for feeling, for crying, for being hurt or confused or upset. But my emotions did not cause him to do the things he did, and my emotions also were not an excuse for him to divert attention away from his poor behavior. Your emotions are not to blame. 

You are allowed to feel. Your partner should never blame you for feeling. You should be allowed to cry if you are hurt. You should be allowed to confront your partner if you've discovered something unsettling. Now, you are still responsible for how you react. This doesn't give you permission to call him names, yell, throw things, etc. But he should never blame you for his actions. If he cheated, it's not your fault. If he hit you, it's not your fault. Ever. You are not to blame. You should never be made to feel that you need to apologize for actions that led to his cheating, dishonesty, abuse, etc. 

I accepted responsibility for so much. I apologized for so many things that looking back, were not my fault at all. But, he conditioned me to accept fault as a default response. And as the relationship was ending, I was still trying to accept responsibility for a lot. I remember telling a friend how I recognize that it's a two-way street and that I want to accept my part in this and that I want to know how I contributed so I can improve moving forward, and she interrupted and said "but you were under duress. And no one is their best self under duress." That stuck with me so much. I've thought about it often. I also didn't know and hadn't yet accepted that I was in an abusive relationship, because I was still under a heavy fog. But I want to stress that if you are under duress every day in your toxic relationship, you are not going to be your best self in any scenario with your partner, because you are simply trying to survive.

I'm honestly still struggling to separate the two. I'm not a perfect person. I make mistakes just like everyone else. And if I'm aware of something I've said or done that hurt someone, I immediately do what I can to make amends and make sure it doesn't happen again. If someone approaches me about something I've said or done, I am more than willing to admit fault and make it right. But being in an abusive relationship blurs those lines so much. I don't want to ever again accept responsibility for something that isn't actually my fault. But I also don't want to swing that pendulum too far the other way, either. And this is how it can become so confusing for an abuse survivor. Are there things I did wrong in the marriage? Absolutely. I'm human. But trying to sift through what things I actually did wrong vs what things were a result of gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, and tactics that were used to make me believe I was at fault when I wasn't... that's going to take a while to sort through. 

Ultimately, the most critical thing I want to convey here is that not all arguments have parties equally at fault. Not all arguments require an apology from both parties. Is it more common for both parties to need to apologize? Absolutely. Is it the gold standard? No. Sometimes one person hurts another person, simple as that. 

Chapter 13: It's Healthy to Cry

Every single one of us has cried. We cried when we were kids, when we got hurt, when someone said something mean, when we didn't get on the team or into the play, when someone broke our heart, etc. There are so many reasons each of us cries. 

(And of course, there is a big difference between crying about something specific, and crying 24/7. If you resonate more with constant crying, please seek out a medical professional to help you. There is hope. ❤️)

There are actually 3 different types of tears: basal, reflex, and emotional. Basal is always there, as these tears are what keep our eyes lubricated. Reflex tears are to get irritants out such as dust, smoke, or that pesky onion. Emotional tears are the tears most of us think about when we hear the word "cry". These are in response to sadness, joy, fear, stress, etc., and these tears are the tears I'm going to focus on. 

Health Benefits of Crying

For those of you (myself included) who so often suppress your tears, did you know there are legitimate health benefits to crying? Some professionals have even suggested that we may be doing ourselves a disservice by not tearing up regularly because of the good things that can come from crying. Remind yourself of these benefits next time you try to suppress your tears.

Relieves stress and restores balance - When you cry, you relieve some of your stress. Stephen Sideroff, a clinical psychologist, said, "Stress tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that... [Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance." Crying is sometimes how your body recovers from experiencing a very strong emotion and can help restore emotional equilibrium.

Releases oxytocin and endorphins - these chemicals can help ease emotional (sometimes even physical) pain. Oxytocin can also give you a sense of calmness. 

Detoxifies - emotional tears contain stress hormones and other toxins. Crying is said to flush these out of your system.

Improves mood - Sometimes crying will actually lift your spirits. Getting it all out can often be therapeutic. This is why sometimes after we cry, we feel a little bit (or a lot) better. 

Helps you recover from grief - If you are crying while processing through grief, it can be a sign of healing. Crying can also often help you process and accept whatever it is you are grieving (loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, etc). 

Crying and Abusive Relationships

"Crying activates the body in a healthy way... Letting down one's guard and one's defenses and [crying] is a very positive, healthy thing. The same thing happens when you watch a movie and it touches you and you cry... That process of opening into yourself... it's like a lock and key."  -Stephen Sideroff

This part resonated so much with me: "Letting down one's guard and one's defenses". Especially if you are with someone else, you absolutely have to let down your guard and defenses. You have to be vulnerable. You have to trust the other person (or people) you are with. You have to feel safe. For anyone coming from an abusive relationship, this is so hard. 

Let me give context for why...

My ex knew just the right things to say for me to cry, and he turned crying into a weapon. If he said or did something hurtful that caused me to cry, he'd tell me I was too emotional and that I "can't handle hard things", and say things like "this is why I never talk to you about anything". Basically, if I were to start crying, he would use it against me and find a way to blame me for the situation, and use it as a way to get out of talking about something he knew he did wrong. If I shed a single tear, sniffled, etc., he'd go into this pattern. And he made me cry... a lot. So, over time, I learned how to shut it off and become an empty shell. I would have to sit there and listen to him 'lecture' me for quite some time (sometimes hours, typically late into the night) without showing any emotion. I had to be a stone wall, or else he would rail into me harder, and/or storm out, blaming it on me. Once he was finished, if I wanted to speak, I had to continue that stone wall and not let any tears (or frankly, any emotion) escape, or I'd have to face the consequences. I had to prove to him that I can "keep it together" at all times and sit there and take the verbal/emotional beating like a robot. Because of this, crying became a very terrifying thing in my world, knowing the consequences that would ensue if I didn't hold it all in. 

The problem now, though, is that I still struggle to cry, especially with a significant other. I've been so conditioned to feel that if I show emotion, whoever I'm with is going to take it poorly, accuse me of being too dramatic, belittle or discredit my feelings, walk out, etc. A few nights ago I was telling someone some pretty painful things about my divorce process, felt myself get choked up for half a second, and immediately sucked it back in, turned it off, and shoved it down. I didn't even realize I had done it until afterward - it was completely involuntary. It was a safety and defense mechanism, because for so long, I had to suppress emotion in order to survive. But I want to be able to cry in front of others again. And I'm working toward that. It's a process, but I've made progress in recent months, and am inching closer to being able to get my tears back.

I chose to share this little snapshot to help you know that you are not alone. If you've had to become a shell just to survive, I see you. I hear you. I understand you. And I'm here for you. 

Once you are out of your toxic and potentially unsafe situation, remind yourself as often as you need to that crying is healthy. Crying can help you process through your grief. It can release toxins. It can restore balance. Crying is actually very important. It is OKAY to cry. I encourage you to cry. Here's to more healthy tears for all of us in our future. 🥂 

Here's a parting poem for you.

Feel It To Heal It

For so many years, emotions were banned; couldn’t even shed one single tear

If a tear dared to surface, his anger would come; I was living in constant fear

So I quickly learned how to keep it all in, never crying when I had been hurt

I’d sit there and listen to horrible things; days like that were simply the worst

Now that it’s over and I’m free to be me, it’s still hard to allow tears to flow

My instinctive response is still solidly there, and I worry when emotions show

I’ll find myself starting to get teary-eyed, and immediately suck it back in

My body still feels that more pain will ensue, for so long that’s just how it had been

But crying is healthy, it gets feelings out, it can ease the pain of the past

It can help you find clarity, balance your mind, the benefits really are vast

“Feel it to heal it” is what I’ve been told, this includes letting tears freely flow

Open your heart again, let it all out, let these tears help the new you to grow

Sometimes this process can take quite a while, so be kind to yourself as you heal

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, just start letting your whole being feel

The tears, they will come as you dig deep within, the difference it makes will be strong

And the pain of the past will start melting away, and you’ll find where you really belong

Chapter 12: Do You Feel Seen?

While we all physically "see" each other, how many of us truly see each other, at our core? I've learned recently how incredibly important this is, and also how much I had been starved of this my entire marriage. So, what does it mean to be seen?

Being Seen

In short, if you feel seen by your partner, you feel that he gets you. He understands you. He sees through your exterior and into your core, your soul, your true and authentic self. You don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself or prove yourself. When your partner sees you, he sees your true character. He sees those inner qualities more than the external qualities. Here are 2 comparisons for context:

Not feeling seen: Your partner only compliments things like your physical appearance, your accomplishments, your talents, etc. While these things may be a part of you, they do not define you. This says nothing about your character or the kind of person you are or the type of heart you have. There's no depth here.

Feeling seen: Your partner has made deep observations about you and admires you for what they've discovered. They see your positive outlook on life, your love for [xyz], your passion for [abc], your positive character traits, your innermost dreams and fears. They see what makes you tick. If you have traumas, they work with you, not against you - nothing is held over your head. They understand why you are the way you are and love you for it. They don't try to change who you are. You just feel that they "get" you, sometimes even more than you understand yourself. You feel a deep connection to them that draws you closer to them. 

Why Is This Important?

if you are constantly with someone who invalidates your feelings, your hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, etc., you are not going to feel very connected to your partner. In fact, you will probably constantly feel the need to prove yourself. You'll feel that you have to do and say things to prove to your partner that you care about certain things, or that you do or don't want something to happen. If you are not seen, you are not understood. If you are not understood, you may go to great lengths to get your partner to understand, sometimes to your detriment. 

A great example I heard once compares and contrasts the difference in really plain terms. Let's say you are cold; you go to your partner's house, knock on the door, he opens, and you say "I'm cold, can I come in?" A good partner who sees you, will say "yes of course" and bring you in immediately, no questions asked. He will see that whether or not he feels cold, you clearly are and he wants to help. Conversely, a partner who does not see you, will open the door and say "Why? It's not even cold outside. You shouldn't be cold. Come back when it's truly cold."

Aside from the obvious, what's wrong with that last scenario? You will then do everything you can to prove to him you're cold and need shelter. You may show him you have goosebumps, or try to make him feel how cold your hands or face are, or show him where you just came from to see how cold it was there, etc. Yet even after all that, he may still require further proof or evidence. This is exhausting. If every statement you make is questioned or invalidated, soon your entire existence is constantly finding ways to prove and/or validate your feelings or actions to both you and your partner. This is not healthy. This also leads back to not feeling safe, among other things. You should not have to be constantly proving yourself to your partner, or bringing evidence to him to validate your feelings and/or experiences. If he truly saw you, he wouldn't need that. 

A good quote I read recently stated, "When we don’t feel seen we either raise the stakes to be seen or we begin to hide as a means of self-protection." You either waste an exorbitant amount of time and energy 'raising the stakes', OR you start sinking within yourself. Neither route is healthy and you should never have to feel that way in a relationship. 

What Do You Need to See and Be Seen?

So how does one work to see their partner? This is a loaded question, as there are many things that need to be present. Here are a few:

• Does he allow you to feel?
• Does he validate those feelings whether or not he understands them?
• Does he listen intently when you talk?
• Does he show interest in your interests?
• Does he take note of the things you love and find ways to surprise you later? (ex: he knows your favorite drink and gets you one just because; he knows when someone does [xyz] it means a lot to you, so he does it just to make you smile)
• Is he observant? Does he notice things about you just by you being you and how you interact with other people?
• Does he remember things you tell him?
• Does he believe you when you say [xyz]?

How Do You Let Yourself Be Seen?

Another important part of this is allowing yourself to be seen. This can be especially hard if you're coming from an abusive relationship where you had to build walls, defenses, and hide inside yourself out of self-preservation. Allowing yourself to be seen requires vulnerability, trust, respect, etc., and it can be terrifying. However, you cannot both hide and be seen. You have to step into the unknown and allow your partner to have opportunities to see you. This will almost certainly include deep and vulnerable conversations over time. This will require you to be your authentic self in front of him. It's okay if this takes time - it takes time for most people. 

Lastly, keep in mind as you think on all of this: this is a two-way street. Ask yourself all of the same questions. Do YOU validate your partner, take interest, observe, listen, etc.? He needs you to see him just as much as you need him to see you. When you both feel seen by each other, that is a true sign of a healthy and loving relationship. 

Chapter 11: What A True Apology Is... And What It Isn't

 

All of us should have apologized for many things in our lives, because we all make mistakes, which often require making amends. Whether you're apologizing to your mom as a kid for talking back or sneaking out, your friend for something you said or did, your boss for messing up a project, or the many other scenarios you can come up with. Apologies are a necessary part of the human experience. But, an insincere apology can usually be felt, and it can often make things worse, not better, because an insincere apology will likely communicate "this person doesn't care enough about me to give me a real apology."

What a True Apology Is

Most of us were taught at a young age how to apologize, and why apologies are important. This list of 7 steps is likely largely ingrained into you already. Yet for some, it doesn't come as naturally, and if you're in an abusive relationship, it's even more important that you know how he *should* apologize so you can better recognize when it's not an actual apology. So, let's break it down.

(1) Say what you're sorry for: It's important to state exactly what you're apologizing for, because this communicates that you know what you did was wrong. 

(2) Say why it was wrong: Just knowing it was wrong isn't enough - you need to be able to verbalize why what you did wasn't okay. Let's go really basic. Say one kid stole a toy from another kid. They should say "sorry I stole your toy (Step 1). It's your toy and that was wrong for me to take something that wasn't mine (Step 2)."

(3) Accept full responsibility: Do. 👏 Not. 👏 Make.  👏 Excuses! This will completely negate your apology. Whether you meant to or not, something you did or said hurt someone. You need to OWN that and make sure the other person knows that you are taking full responsibility.

(4) Ask how to make amends: Sometimes there is a clear answer to this, sometimes not. If a kid accidentally breaks a window, they should ask how they can make amends. The person whose window they broke may suggest they come every week for a month to do xyz chore, or maybe help them install the new window. If it's not as cut and dried as that, give the person some space to think on it if they need. Note: You also need to be willing to accept what the other person suggests as amends (assuming it is within reason).

(5) Commit to not doing it again: Show an action plan of how you will make sure what happened doesn't happen again. 

(6) Ask for forgiveness: This is critical. If you don't ask some form of "will you please forgive me?", it is lacking in a true and sincere apology. 

(7) Thank them: This is especially important if you did not realize you did or said something that hurt someone. It probably took courage for the other person to even bring it up, so please make sure to say thank you for that.

These Are Not Apologies

If you're in an abusive relationship, what likely happens is when you do something wrong, you apologize for it. It's heartfelt, you go through the steps without even realizing it, and you make amends. BUT... your abuser does not offer you the same respect. When I read the bottom part of the image, I was blown away at how amazingly fitting virtually all of them were in my own marriage. I had no idea that was so standard. I'd also like to add one more to that list: "I'm sorry IF". We'll get more to that later.

You misunderstood/misinterpreted what I meant

After several years being married to a person like that, I truly had begun to think something was wrong with me. I never had a problem understanding things before I was married, so what's wrong with me now? Am I really going crazy? Do I really get confused that easily? Unfortunately, an abuser will always find a way to twist both his words and yours, and come off without blame because everything that was said you just "misunderstood" or "misinterpreted". This will leave you questioning your own reality over and over again. 

I'm sorry you feel that way

Please refrain from using this. This negates the other person's feelings, experiences, everything. This one often turns into "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I know I'm right" or "but that's not what happened", "but you misinterpreted." An article I read said "the impact [of saying this] is much more likely to invalidate their feelings or gloss over them altogether." If you use this phrase, you are communicating that you don't actually care about your partner, that you have no interest in trying to understand their perspective, and that you are unwilling to admit fault.

I'm sorry, but... 

Using the word "but" immediately following "I'm sorry" cancels out an apology. A quote I read on this said that it "nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse." You cannot say "I'm sorry but, this never would have happened if you hadn't done [xyz]." Or "I'm sorry but you made me so angry", etc. If you use the word "but", you might as well not even try to apologize because it won't mean a darn thing. 

I'm sorry if...

This is one I added because I experienced this personally more times than I can count. If I ever said "you said/did this and it hurt me", he first would try to deny it and then eventually would get to "I'm sorry if I said/did that." But the "if" invalidates the other person. It is saying that you still don't believe them, and "IF" you said that, you're sorry, buuut you don't think you actually said it. An apology followed by "if" has zero meaning or sincerity. 

What about that time that you...

Now is NOT the time to bring up things from the past. Even if it's an unresolved issue, now is not the time. You need to address and resolve the issue at hand before anything else is brought up. Using this tactic is massive deflection and abusers unfortunately use this often, to get the focus off of them and onto their victim. It's a way of escaping responsibility for their actions because the conversation will often end leaving you confused, and then you'll realize you never got to fully address the grievance you approached him with in the first place, and that he left you feeling like you were somehow at fault. Pay very close attention to this, and if you notice your partner is bringing up past faults of yours and completely ignoring the original issue, be very wary. 

It was your fault that I...

Let's say you said something hurtful to your partner, and then your partner also said something hurtful in response. The fact that you said something first does not negate the fact that he also said something hurtful. Should you both apologize? Absolutely. But he can't say he doesn't need to apologize because "you started it." Whether "it" really was your fault or not, that doesn't excuse his behavior and he still needs to own what he said/did that hurt you. Never allow your partner to use this phrase. This is a major red flag. 

These are not apologies. They are manipulation tactics. If your partner regularly uses any of these on you, please be very careful. Consider talking to a trusted friend to help you sort through your thoughts and emotions and get you to safety if necessary.

Now that you know what to look for in a true apology as well as the red flag phrases to be on the lookout for, hopefully you are a little more equipped than you were before. Remember, this is also a two-way street. You need to be implementing these 7 steps in your own apologies if you expect the same from your partner. Your relationship will grow exponentially if both of you are actively working to give sincere apologies.