Gaslighting is an extremely important topic that I don't feel gets enough attention. I didn't even learn what gaslighting was until 8 years into my marriage, and even then, I disregarded it, convinced that that wasn't what was happening to me. So let's break it down a little.
What is Gaslighting?
The official definition is "to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." Another is "gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality." It is a type of emotional abuse (yes, gaslighting is abuse) and can happen to anyone, in any relationship. The scary part of gaslighting is that if you don't recognize it, you run the risk of believing over time that you must be losing your mind. You'll stop trusting yourself, your memory, your judgment, etc. It may start out small, but the more your partner gaslights you, the worse it can get.
Gaslighting Phrases
There are several phrases to be aware of that are typically key indicators you are being gaslit. Here are a few:
1. That never happened
2. You're remembering wrong/you have a terrible memory
3. You're too sensitive/stop being so sensitive
4. It's all in your head
5. Why can't you take a joke?
6. You need help
7. It wasn't that bad
8. You have no right to feel that way
Signs You Might Be A Victim of Gaslighting
Here are some things to be aware of. If you identify with some or many of these, your partner may be gaslighting you:
1. You have begun to question your own reality
2. You are constantly questioning if you're too sensitive and/or can't take a joke
3. You over apologize to your partner
4. You withhold information about your partner, cover for them, or make excuses for them
5. You find yourself angry or distant with people you've always had a great relationship with before
6. You know you are different than an earlier time in your life where you were confident and relaxed
7. You feel hopeless and as though you can't do anything right
8. You often feel that you're not good enough, especially for your partner
Let's Get Personal
I cannot tell you how many times most if not all of those gaslighting phrases were used on me and how many of the signs I experienced as well. "You're remembering wrong" or other variations connected to memory and events ("I never said that", "that never happened", etc) were said more times than I can count. Sometimes it felt like this one was a daily occurrence. And he spoke things with such conviction (and force) that over time, I began to believe him and his version over my own truth. He would call me arrogant (among other things) if I challenged him in any way, would say things like "your memory isn't as perfect as you think it is", and tell me that I was never able to admit fault, wrongdoing, or say sorry. These are pretty strong accusations and in my determination to prove to him that I AM able to admit fault, wrongdoing, and say sorry, I would concede over and over again. But this of course left me questioning my own reality and sanity time and time again. It was so confusing to me because before I was married, I had a great memory, so what changed? Why was my memory so terrible now? Well, it wasn't - I was being gaslit and just didn't know it. I remember very clearly the first time thinking to myself, "I feel like I don't even know what's real anymore", and that was a very scary feeling.
A lot of gaslighting involves planting little seeds of doubt or trying to get you to change your mindset, not just with memory-based stuff. My ex drove a wedge between me and my family and even encouraged me to permanently cut ties with certain family members. He tried to convince me they were toxic and no good, and that I was better off without them. Fortunately, I have very strong bonds with my family and he did not succeed in that, but sadly it does work in a lot of abusive situations.
How to Combat Gaslighting
After my divorce, I started reading the book The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern. It was a tough read for me, because the author reiterates multiple times "it takes two to tango", which didn't feel fair because I was the one being gaslit, and she was saying it was partially MY fault? I had to set it down and come back to it a few times before I really started to understand what she was saying and why she was saying it.
To put it as simply as possible, a fire will eventually go out if you don't add more kindling or wood to it. If you ignore it or walk away, it has no fuel to continue burning and will eventually die out. With gaslighting, your partner essentially starts a fire, and every time you engage, you are adding fuel and inadvertently burning yourself in the process. If your partner claims xyz and you engage to refute his claim, you just put fuel on the fire. There is so much to tackle from this book and I highly recommend you read it if you want to learn more about gaslighting, but the biggest take away is to stop engaging. If your partner says "that didn't happen", instead of saying "yes it did" and starting an argument, just say something simple like "agree to disagree" and walk away. If he says "you're remembering wrong", instead of engaging, say something like "sometimes we just see things differently" and walk away. You do not need to 'prove him wrong' or even defend yourself. If you know your truth, that's all that matters.
This is where grey rocking can come in extremely handy as well. In my grey rock post, my ex tried to accuse me of doing something *I* knew I didn't do and instead of trying to defend myself or prove anything, I just calmly said "thank you, I have heard you." It completely killed the proverbial fire, knocked the wind out of his sails, and he ended up walking away. By grey rocking, his gaslight attempt failed, it left him with no fuel to fan the flame, and no upper hand to get me to submit.
Ultimately, a lot of gaslighting deals with how you react and what you do with it, which was a really tough pill for me to swallow. But first, you need to recognize and come to terms with the fact that your partner is gaslighting you. To be clear, in no way am I saying it's your fault, because it is NOT -- no one should ever try to twist your own reality, plants seeds of doubt, or make you feel less than or crazy, and that is still considered emotional abuse. But you do actually have more power in these situations than you may realize and it's eye-opening once you come to that realization. Don't engage, walk away, and let his abusive fire die.
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