No matter how much you love someone, you need "you time". You need time with friends. You need good outlets/hobbies and relationships outside of your partner. Yes, your partner should be important, and there should be a healthy amount of focus on continuously nurturing that relationship as well, but s/he cannot be your entire universe. If your partner makes you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, or spending time with friends, or pursuing hobbies, this is not healthy. It is critical to have all things in moderation. There are actually several health benefits to living a balanced life, too, and you do need all of these in order to be your best self.
Benefits of Time To Yourself
The key here is choosing to spend time alone with yourself rather than having no choice, but when you choose this, it can improve your mental health. When you're comfortable being alone, it can actually increase happiness and help you to manage stress better. Also, when left to your own thoughts, it can help spark creativity by letting your mind wander. Maybe you'll finish that project you've been meaning to get to for ages, write a poem that comes to mind while in your own thoughts, or reorganize an entire room. By letting your imagination run wild or using that time to accomplish something, this can also boost your self-esteem. You can step back and proudly say "I did that."
Intentional time alone also helps you to clear your mind. It helps you to sort through your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Journaling, meditating, taking time to center yourself, etc., can all help you to become more self-aware and to open up your mind and gain new perspectives. Don't be afraid of spending time with yourself. See it as an opportunity for grounding and growth.
Benefits of Time With Friends
There have been numerous studies that show that having a strong social support is "strongly associated with better mental and physical health." Your stress levels are typically reduced, it improves your mood, and it can even help facilitate improvement in your physical health as well. There was a study done several years ago that found that people who lack social ties are 3x more likely to die sooner than those who had strong social ties. So, spending time with friends can literally save your life.
Having a good support system is also extremely important to preventing feelings of isolation. When you feel you have no one to turn to, no one you can trust, no one who understands you or can help you, no one who will be there for you, you leave the door wide open to depression, fear, anxiety, and a slew of other issues. There is something extremely calming and reassuring when you know you have that handful of people in your life you can turn to for anything. And on the flip side, when you are given the opportunity to be that friend to someone else, it is empowering and gives you purpose in life and increases your capacity to love and be compassionate. Either end that you are on is a beneficial one for your own health. And when you and a friend have gone through or supported each other through difficult situations, there is a very strong bond that forms between you... a constant reminder that you are not alone and will always have someone you can turn to.
Benefits of Outlets
Everyone needs their outlets. Of course, these need to be healthy outlets, and these outlets need to be done in moderation, not obsessively. Going to the gym can be a great thing, but practically living at the gym is not healthy. Don't let your outlets of choice consume your life. But you do need to find what your outlets are that bring you joy in life. Whether it's sports, music, writing, painting, sewing, woodworking, you name it. Almost anything can become a hobby and healthy outlet.
If you couldn't tell, writing has become one of my own outlets. I also now participate in a particular sport several times a week, and both have brought me great joy and have helped immensely not only in my own healing, but just in my general day-to-day mood. I have things that I look forward to, things I can be proud of. Often, these hobbies and outlets can give you a reason to get up in the morning. Whether it's the 5K you've been prepping for for weeks, the gift you're working on for a friend, the new sport you can't wait to get better at, etc. Healthy outlets help bring you joy in life that can in turn improve your mental and physical health.
What Does This Have To Do With Abuse?
I spent years bending over backwards trying to please my ex and be what he wanted. I desperately wanted his approval and to make things work, so I gave up almost all social and familial ties, all my hobbies, and ultimately, who I am at my core. I completely lost myself in my attempts to make things better with and for him. If he felt I wasn't spending enough time with him, I'd cancel my plans. I'd go out of my way to show him how much I cared, even at my own emotional expense. If he called while I was out with friends and said he needed me, I'd drop everything and come to his aid/rescue. If he told me he wasn't comfortable with me spending time with so&so, I'd stop spending time with that person. (this even included my [female] therapist) If he told me to keep my mouth shut about something, I obeyed. If he didn't have an interest in something I was interested in, I gave it up. He wanted me to share in his hobbies, so I tried so hard to like what he liked and to be passionate about what he was passionate about, but it just wasn't me.
I went against everything that I was to be what he wanted me to be in desperate attempts to make things work. And this, ladies and gentleman, is how I became an empty shell. The time to myself wasn't by choice, it was through unwanted isolation. The isolation paved the way for a lack of friends and supports, and the resulting depression obliterated any interest I once had in hobbies.
I now understand the great importance of having a balance in all things, and for advocating for yourself and what you need in order to be healthy. You need to be able to choose time to yourself without interruption, you absolutely NEED social supports in your life, and it is imperative that you find outlets that bring you joy and satisfaction. Please do not ever give these up for the sake of pleasing a partner - I promise you it will not help your situation. You need time on your own to reflect and find yourself. Find your healthy relationships and don't give them up for anything. Find your outlets and love them, be proud of them, and hang on to them. You will be a stronger, healthier, more fulfilled YOU if you do these things.
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