I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head this week, and sometimes when I have more thoughts than I know what to do with, I turn to poetry and it helps me put my thoughts into coherent words. So, here's another poem.
Finding Myself
My mind is all jumbled and I can’t figure out, what’s your fault and what is mine
The ways that you twisted my thoughts and my words, I’m still having the hardest time
Someone will say something innocent to me, and I internalize it way too much
I interpret the words as harshly as you once conveyed, I remember how you would judge
So without even realizing, there are changes I make, ‘cause inside I’m still scared of your wrath
You’re not even here and the people are new, yet my mind is still stuck on that path
You conditioned me so much to conform to your ways, that I still constantly try to improve
It’s hard to remember you don’t control me anymore; your shadow is so hard to remove
If someone makes any suggestion at all, I take note and work fast to correct
My body is still trying to protect at all costs, and the differences it cannot detect
So I’m left to sort out why I do what I do, is it me or your lasting effects?
How would I have acted before meeting you? These dots are so hard to connect
Each day I feel like I’m retraining my brain, have to help it find safety and peace
I’m away from the pain and the hurt I endured, now I just need my brain to release
Still working on ways to compare and contrast, it’s a balance I haven’t quite figured out
Is it true that the good ones won’t act like you did? Every day I still battle the doubt
While I’ve found so much peace being free from your reign, there’s so much that I’m still working through
It requires some deep introspection and thought, trying to make sense of what’s really true
But I am determined to reclaim my life, to remember who I am at my core
I’m finding myself a little more every day, and I will emerge even stronger than before
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