Okay, I know you're probably thinking "Tomatoes? What does this have to do with abuse?" Well, let me tell you...
A few weeks after separation, my mother came to stay with me for several weeks to help me navigate everything. Naturally, we had many conversations while she was here. I don't even remember how it came up, but I was telling her how critical my ex was of everything. I used tomatoes as a real-life example where I would make him a sandwich, but then he'd criticize the thickness of the tomato slices instead of saying thank you (Ex: "Why would you cut them that thick? No one wants them that thick. It ruins the sandwich when all you can taste is tomato. Why can't you slice them thin? It's not that hard. Do I need to show you again?"). I unknowingly would always immediately apologize and take the blame for it, even though he should have just appreciated the fact that I made him something. He did this with all sorts of things, but seemed especially picky about the perfection of food - perfection to his standards, of course.
A few days went by, and I made some sandwiches for myself and my mom, which included tomatoes. (As I was slicing the tomatoes, I even remember thinking almost subconsciously, "are these too thick? I hope they're okay.") I gave her the sandwich, and after she took a bite, she jokingly said "I think you cut the tomato slices too thick." This was my immediate and almost involuntary response: "Oh I'm so sorry." I either made a disparaging remark about myself ("I always cut them too thick"), or might have even offered to slice some more; I can't remember. But either way, I immediately accepted blame for it and was trying to make it better, falling all over myself trying make amends. My mother had to quickly interrupt me and say "Sweetie, it was a joke. Just trying to make light of the situation." And that's when I completely fell apart and just sobbed. I was so angry that he had his claws in me so deep that I didn't even notice how I'd responded, that he had completely conditioned me to respond in a very specific way, and that I was immediately apologizing all over the place to my mother when she tried to joke about it. I didn't even notice the sarcasm in her voice, because I was so used to comments like that just being a normal part of my everyday life.
Then of course, it had me thinking, what else was he like that with? How many other instances in all facets of life did the same scenario play out on a daily basis? I do know that I overly apologized all the time. But this tomato scenario was one of the first times I had to face head on that I was in an extremely toxic relationship. I was still so fresh out of the relationship that I hadn't even recognized it for what it was. I was still making excuses for him. I was in denial. He wasn't really abusive, right? Sorry, yes, he was. Emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is very real, is often highly overlooked and disregarded, and is infinitely more difficult to prove because there aren't visible bruises that you wear as battle wounds. These wounds are invisible. Unrecognizable. It is a silent battle that is often fought entirely alone, as it slowly eats away at you a little more each day.
This tomato experience put me on a path to self-discovery. There are more things than I can count that I have learned and continue to learn about regarding how he treated me. I've also found an amazing support group of people formerly married to someone similar to my ex that have provided so much validation to my experience, to help me realize that I am not alone in this, and that it really was abuse. This is a battle I still fight every day. I'm constantly having to step back and think "Why am I reacting this way?" and do my own self-analysis of my inner thoughts. I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by people who are so patient with me as I unpack these traumas.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to once again emphasize that you are not alone. What you experienced was real. You went through real trauma. You do not deserve to be treated the way you were. You do not deserve to be talked to in a disparaging or insulting way and you do not deserve to be degraded or gaslit. If you are recovering from an abusive or toxic relationship, please find a trusted therapist if you haven't already - this has helped and continues to help me immensely. Consider journaling as well - I have typed hundreds of pages since my divorce. It has become very therapeutic and has really helped me to sort through my feelings and emotions and honestly, has helped me to understand me more. Read books or watch subject matter experts relevant to your type(s) of abuse. Do whatever works for you, but don't be stagnant. Don't get stuck in your misery. Don't blame other people; don't make excuses. Only YOU have the power to take back your life and become a better you.
Find healthy ways to face your traumas and ways to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, how you were affected, how you are going to handle/treat it in the present, and what you are going to do about it moving forward. Do not let the abuse define you. What you went through wasn't okay, but don't let it consume you. Learn from it, work through it, and become stronger because of it. ❤️
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