As you can probably imagine, after being in an abusive marriage, I have trust issues. With so many scenarios, I find myself thinking "what's the catch?", "what's in it for him?" or I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had to play detective for so long, I immediately distrust. My therapist encouraged me to build relationships that give me the opportunity to build trust. I have been trying to do that, but it's new and different and absolutely terrifying. So once again, I wrote my feelings out in poem-form.
Learning to Trust
When trauma has triumphed for decades or more
It makes things so hard to have your faith restored
With every small action, each kindness displayed
The default response is to try and dissuade
For kindness can’t come without something in return
There’s always a catch, it’s so hard to discern
It just feels so foreign to trust someone is kind
When for so many years, good and bad were entwined
The Jekyll and Hyde that emerged without warning
Forced a mental blockade to protect from the storming
But not all folks are like that, there is goodness out there
There are people who’ll love you, who’ll genuinely care
But how does one rewire a brain so distorted,
When everything inside tries so hard to thwart it?
Survival instincts can be deeply ingrained
And even with effort, many triggers remain
It takes so much work to allow someone in
To let someone near you and let trusting begin
There’s risk in so doing, and the fear can be strong
Each inch of your being may scream “This is wrong!”
But one thing to remember is to trust in yourself
You know what to look for, how to protect your own health
You know all the pitfalls, the red flags and signs
Look closely and don’t you ignore what you find
As long as you do this, you’ll be safe and sound
It’s time to start trusting, it’s okay, it’s allowed
Let others show you what kindness can be And then all of the hurt you can finally set free
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