All of us should have apologized for many things in our lives, because we all make mistakes, which often require making amends. Whether you're apologizing to your mom as a kid for talking back or sneaking out, your friend for something you said or did, your boss for messing up a project, or the many other scenarios you can come up with. Apologies are a necessary part of the human experience. But, an insincere apology can usually be felt, and it can often make things worse, not better, because an insincere apology will likely communicate "this person doesn't care enough about me to give me a real apology."
What a True Apology Is
Most of us were taught at a young age how to apologize, and why apologies are important. This list of 7 steps is likely largely ingrained into you already. Yet for some, it doesn't come as naturally, and if you're in an abusive relationship, it's even more important that you know how he *should* apologize so you can better recognize when it's not an actual apology. So, let's break it down.
(1) Say what you're sorry for: It's important to state exactly what you're apologizing for, because this communicates that you know what you did was wrong.
(2) Say why it was wrong: Just knowing it was wrong isn't enough - you need to be able to verbalize why what you did wasn't okay. Let's go really basic. Say one kid stole a toy from another kid. They should say "sorry I stole your toy (Step 1). It's your toy and that was wrong for me to take something that wasn't mine (Step 2)."
(3) Accept full responsibility: Do. 👏 Not. 👏 Make. 👏 Excuses! This will completely negate your apology. Whether you meant to or not, something you did or said hurt someone. You need to OWN that and make sure the other person knows that you are taking full responsibility.
(4) Ask how to make amends: Sometimes there is a clear answer to this, sometimes not. If a kid accidentally breaks a window, they should ask how they can make amends. The person whose window they broke may suggest they come every week for a month to do xyz chore, or maybe help them install the new window. If it's not as cut and dried as that, give the person some space to think on it if they need. Note: You also need to be willing to accept what the other person suggests as amends (assuming it is within reason).
(5) Commit to not doing it again: Show an action plan of how you will make sure what happened doesn't happen again.
(6) Ask for forgiveness: This is critical. If you don't ask some form of "will you please forgive me?", it is lacking in a true and sincere apology.
(7) Thank them: This is especially important if you did not realize you did or said something that hurt someone. It probably took courage for the other person to even bring it up, so please make sure to say thank you for that.
These Are Not Apologies
If you're in an abusive relationship, what likely happens is when you do something wrong, you apologize for it. It's heartfelt, you go through the steps without even realizing it, and you make amends. BUT... your abuser does not offer you the same respect. When I read the bottom part of the image, I was blown away at how amazingly fitting virtually all of them were in my own marriage. I had no idea that was so standard. I'd also like to add one more to that list: "I'm sorry IF". We'll get more to that later.
You misunderstood/misinterpreted what I meant
After several years being married to a person like that, I truly had begun to think something was wrong with me. I never had a problem understanding things before I was married, so what's wrong with me now? Am I really going crazy? Do I really get confused that easily? Unfortunately, an abuser will always find a way to twist both his words and yours, and come off without blame because everything that was said you just "misunderstood" or "misinterpreted". This will leave you questioning your own reality over and over again.
I'm sorry you feel that way
Please refrain from using this. This negates the other person's feelings, experiences, everything. This one often turns into "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I know I'm right" or "but that's not what happened", "but you misinterpreted." An article I read said "the impact [of saying this] is much more likely to invalidate their feelings or gloss over them altogether." If you use this phrase, you are communicating that you don't actually care about your partner, that you have no interest in trying to understand their perspective, and that you are unwilling to admit fault.
I'm sorry, but...
Using the word "but" immediately following "I'm sorry" cancels out an apology. A quote I read on this said that it "nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse." You cannot say "I'm sorry but, this never would have happened if you hadn't done [xyz]." Or "I'm sorry but you made me so angry", etc. If you use the word "but", you might as well not even try to apologize because it won't mean a darn thing.
I'm sorry if...
This is one I added because I experienced this personally more times than I can count. If I ever said "you said/did this and it hurt me", he first would try to deny it and then eventually would get to "I'm sorry if I said/did that." But the "if" invalidates the other person. It is saying that you still don't believe them, and "IF" you said that, you're sorry, buuut you don't think you actually said it. An apology followed by "if" has zero meaning or sincerity.
What about that time that you...
Now is NOT the time to bring up things from the past. Even if it's an unresolved issue, now is not the time. You need to address and resolve the issue at hand before anything else is brought up. Using this tactic is massive deflection and abusers unfortunately use this often, to get the focus off of them and onto their victim. It's a way of escaping responsibility for their actions because the conversation will often end leaving you confused, and then you'll realize you never got to fully address the grievance you approached him with in the first place, and that he left you feeling like you were somehow at fault. Pay very close attention to this, and if you notice your partner is bringing up past faults of yours and completely ignoring the original issue, be very wary.
It was your fault that I...
Let's say you said something hurtful to your partner, and then your partner also said something hurtful in response. The fact that you said something first does not negate the fact that he also said something hurtful. Should you both apologize? Absolutely. But he can't say he doesn't need to apologize because "you started it." Whether "it" really was your fault or not, that doesn't excuse his behavior and he still needs to own what he said/did that hurt you. Never allow your partner to use this phrase. This is a major red flag.
These are not apologies. They are manipulation tactics. If your partner regularly uses any of these on you, please be very careful. Consider talking to a trusted friend to help you sort through your thoughts and emotions and get you to safety if necessary.
Now that you know what to look for in a true apology as well as the red flag phrases to be on the lookout for, hopefully you are a little more equipped than you were before. Remember, this is also a two-way street. You need to be implementing these 7 steps in your own apologies if you expect the same from your partner. Your relationship will grow exponentially if both of you are actively working to give sincere apologies.
No comments:
Post a Comment