Chapter 24: Words and Actions

 

Something that I have been struggling to dissect in my head lately is how much being in an abusive relationship warps your mind. My ex never said 'you made me do it' or 'it's your fault' or anything so direct, so I didn't even know that what was happening to me was abuse. But I realized very recently that it was the unspoken things, the actions that messed with me more than anything. 

When words and actions don't align, that is a form of abuse.

Something would happen that he had blamed me for in the past, so I would automatically blame myself for it because I had already been conditioned that way. He would then tell me "it's not your fault, I'm not mad" and with his words he'd be sweet about it, yet he would treat me differently afterward, and days, weeks, or months later, he'd explode and blame it all on me again. Rinse and repeat, with all sorts of things, for our entire marriage. Do you know how confusing that is to constantly be going through this cycle? This will mess with your mind so much. With his words he'd tell me it's okay, he's not mad, but with his actions, he'd punish me. And it was so subtle I never noticed, I never caught it, and I never understood it. 

My divorce was over a year ago and I am just now coming to this realization and understanding of why it was so hard for me to see the abuse, and why it is still hard to dissect and unpack it all more than a year later. 

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On top of this, I want to address indirect words, and actions associated with those words. My ex never called me names, never hit me, and never directly used the aforementioned phrases, and this was another reason I had a very difficult time understanding that what was happening to me was abuse. (Especially because when not in arguments, he'd use words and phrases such as "gorgeous", "beautiful", "you're the best", "you're amazing", "what would I do without you?" etc. Abusers don't use those words, right? Wrong. It's just another part of how they mess with your head)

I would find out about something bad that he did, would be upset, and he would say that he didn't tell me because "I don't handle things well" and that he was "trying to protect me" because he "knows how upset I get". But I'm pretty sure that anyone who discovers nefarious actions of a spouse would be upset, and has a right to be upset. Yet he made me feel like it was just me who would get upset at what I had just discovered. I was "too fragile" for him to be straight with me and so somehow, it was my fault that he didn't tell me things. 

Over time, he conditioned me to become a stone wall. He would do awful things, I'd find out about said awful things, and I wasn't allowed to react at ALL. If I so much as shed one single tear, he would flip his lid, blame me, tell me I am "so emotional", that "this is why" he never talks to me about things because I am "so dramatic" and "blow things wildly out of proportion", etc. Sometimes he'd straight up walk out the door and not come back for hours, sometimes he'd throw things or rip things up, or punch things.

He may have never directly said the words "it is your fault" or "you made me do it", but by his indirect words and very direct actions, that is precisely what he was saying. "I had to [do the bad thing] because YOU..." "I didn't tell you because YOU..." "I did/said that because YOU..." He didn't tell me about things because YOU "don't handle things well", "are so dramatic", "overreact to everything", "always think the worst possible thing about me", "are so anxious about everything", "don't understand". I could go on, but these are all ways he indirectly said, "you made me do it." And all these things were typically said to me in a stage of rage.

If you love someone, you don't act this way, you don't talk to them this way. You don't treat them this way. You don't blame them for all of your bad deeds, all of your shortcomings, all of your mistakes... you don't lose your cool, hit things, throw things, walk out... And this is where the words and actions concept messed with my head so much, because he never directly called me names. He never directly blamed me (ex: "this is your fault"). But with the way he treated me, that was exactly what he was doing. He used indirect words. He used indirect actions (he didn't hit ME, he hit things). The way he exploded if I literally shed a single tear... that's manipulation. That's abuse. Those are actions that do not align with words. I was afraid to CRY because of his actions that would follow. 

But he had ME convinced that *I* had a problem and that *I* was overly emotional and needed to work on myself, not the other way around. He was hurting me every single day for years, and I had to learn how to become a shell to avoid his wrath... to prove to him that I am *not* "overly emotional". I turned into a robot out of self-preservation because his words and actions were so misaligned, I didn't know what was real anymore. He had me in a state of constant confusion and underlying fear our entire marriage. 

And the crazy thing is that I had no idea that this was abuse, because he had none of the telltale signs of it. Something I read recently said, "I didn’t even utter the word ABUSE until months of therapy later. I didn’t fully grasp the damage or the danger." In many ways, I was the same. While I was married, the word abuse never even crossed my mind because he didn't hit me, he didn't call me names, he didn't berate me directly, and in public he was the doting husband and the entire world loved him and told me all the time some version of how 'lucky' I was and what a wonderful man he was. 

But when we got home... well, that was a different story. Somehow everything was my fault, and he had me convinced that all the problems were ME... that xyz wouldn't have happened if I hadn't said or done abc. I was too emotional, too picky, expected too much, too sensitive, not sensitive at all (yes both, depending on how it suited him that day), not understanding, not patient, not supportive, not sympathetic, unwilling to help (him fuel his addictions), and so on.

I had NO idea that I was in such a state of constant fight or flight because of him. I was anxious and stressed all the time. The slightest hiccup in something and I'd panic. But with life after him, I am NOT like that at all anymore. That constant state of anxiety was the constant fear of how he was going to react to something, and how much an event was going to be blamed on me. I am so calm and stress-free now. My car wouldn't start the other morning and if I didn't get it started, I was going to be late for a work meeting and the new me just thought "well that's a bummer, but they'll understand." There was absolutely ZERO stress. But when I was married to him, if that had that happened, my stomach would have been in knots because somehow the car not starting would have been my fault and I would have paid for it emotionally. 

Don't Excuse Things Away

In a healthy relationship, words and actions will align. If he says something, he follows through. If he says "I love you", there are actions he does that show you he loves you. If he says "don't worry about that, I've got it", he takes care of it and doesn't come back to somehow blame you later for why he didn't do it. 

I have been able to use this in other settings and it is so empowering to be able to both recognize and say "your words and actions aren't aligning and that's not acceptable". If you are seeing words and actions not aligning in any relationship (romantic or platonic), you absolutely have the right to call it out and require more from that person if they want to remain in your life. If the person admits to it, you're already way ahead of someone who deflects and denies; but still, real change needs to be seen. If it is simply admittance but no actual change, that doesn't count. Their ACTIONS need to improve, not just their words. 

If you find yourself in a relationship where words and actions aren't aligning, be very careful. You are likely in some form of an abusive relationship and you do NOT deserve to be treated that way. A kind and honest person who truly cares about your well-being will say what he does, and does what he says, and will never EVER blame or shame you. 

Chapter 23: Desensitization

When you're in a toxic relationship, desensitization can become second nature. It's like a frog in a pot of water that gradually boils and eventually kills the frog. It happens so slowly over time that you don't even realize it has happened to you. One definition:

Desensitization is a process that diminishes emotional responsiveness to a stimulus after repeated exposure to it. Desensitization also occurs when an emotional response is repeatedly evoked in situations in which the action tendency that is associated with the emotion proves irrelevant or unnecessary.

Shortly after my divorce, I experienced a few unexpected triggers that brought up memories to the surface I didn't know I had. I also found some old journal entries that talked about things that seemed like they should have been events burned into my brain forever, yet I had completely forgotten all existence of them. I thought "were things so bad that I blocked it from my memory?" I discussed it with my therapist and s/he said that it's more likely that I had become desensitized to the way things were on a regular basis. S/he asked me "could you tell me what you ate for breakfast the last 5 days? Or what shirt you wore?" Most people will answer no that, not because it was traumatic, but because the brain deems it as irrelevant. While yes, things that I experienced were traumatic, it was so commonplace that my brain didn't categorize it as traumatic, and it was just filed away as unnecessary to remember because of how commonplace it was.

Unfortunately, in a toxic or abusive relationship, you will have many many instances of your brain categorizing traumatic things as irrelevant because they just become so normal. The problem for me was also that my ex had done such a good job of isolating me and scaring me into never talking with anyone about the things that were going on at home, that I was fully desensitized. I had no objective 3rd party to tell me "that's not normal", so I didn't know things were as bad as they were. 

Shortly before our split, my ex had left me a pretty awful voicemail. For some reason, I ended up playing the voicemail for a friend about a week later. As it began playing, her jaw dropped, she gasped, covered her mouth in shock, looked up at me and said "my husband has NEVER spoken to me like that... EVER." Really? It was that bad? That wasn't normal? I honestly had no idea. I had been desensitized. It was not uncommon for him to speak to me that way, so I didn't realize it wasn't normal. To this day, I still have that voicemail saved and any time I wonder "was it really that bad?", I play the voicemail and remember that yes, it really was that bad. I can listen to it more objectively now, now that I'm not a desensitized frog in a pot of water. And I keep it as a reminder to never be that frog again.

THIS is why it is VITAL to have a confidant of some kind. Friend, neighbor, family member, therapist, I don't care who it is. Your mental health absolutely NEEDS you to have an objective 3rd party to speak with. I don't care what your spouse/partner says, if they try to prevent that, they are isolating you and that's another form of abuse. If they don't want you to have any friends or confidants, it's because they don't want to be exposed. But just as that frog doesn't realize the water is getting hotter, neither will you. But if someone walks up to the pot and looks in and sees it starting to bubble, they can say "whoa that is getting HOT we need to get you out of there" before you boil. You likely won't be able to see it yourself because of how gradual it is. You need someone to talk with. 

Please, please do not feel like you have to bear the burden of everything on your own. You NEED other people, and other people will want to help you. If you feel like you have no one in your own world to trust, please go to thehotline.org. You can call, chat, or text and someone will be able to help you. Please don't become that frog that gets boiled. You are worth more. ❤️

Chapter 22: All Progress is Progress

This has been big for me recently. There have been times in the last few weeks where I've felt like I should have made more progress than I have in my journey thus far. But through some intensive journaling I've done over the last several weeks, the above text in the image came directly from my journal. If you moved 1 millimeter forward this week, that's still better than where you were last week! And that's 52 millimeters (~2 inches) at the end of the year! THAT is still progress, and that should still be celebrated. 

It's all about the baby steps. Processing trauma can be SO incredibly difficult. Some pieces may be easier to work through, but some hit you in the face like an oncoming train. And those pieces are the ones that will take a significant amount of time to heal from, and that is okay. The key is that you are constantly working on it. You are pushing forward to a better and healthier you. As long as you are moving forward and not remaining stagnant, not sitting in your trauma, not blaming others, and addressing things, you are making progress. 

ALL progress is progress. 

As I've been processing all of this, I turned to poetry, as I often do. There's just something therapeutic about it for me. So here's my latest:

Processing Trauma

Our brains have a funny way of keeping things locked
The trauma we experience gets hidden and blocked
Sometimes we don’t even have memories of events
Until something triggers it and then it gets intense

In those unexpected moments the whole world seems to freeze
Suddenly the horrors you can recall with great ease
It feels like you’re back in those moments of pain
As if it were happening, reliving it again

You’re trapped in a time capsule, no feasible way out
You want to escape, but your body’s stuck on this route
It’s like you are watching it all unfold from afar
Being reminded of each and every one of your scars

The amount of strength it takes to pull yourself out
To get back to reality, to silence those doubts
It takes everything in you to come back to earth
To not let it rule you, to remember your worth

And then in those moments, you may have chats in your head
Telling trauma brain to cool it, stop filling with dread
You’re out of the fire you’re safe and you’re free
It’s over and done with, there’s no need to flee

It’s hard, it’s not easy, to process these thoughts
And it can be tough to connect all the dots
Allow yourself space to work through all your pain
This process takes time, so be kind to your brain

It may be one of the hardest things that you’ve done
You might want to scream and you might want to run
But processing through all your traumas and fears
I promise will lead you to much better years

You have it inside you to push through the hurt
To forge a new path and dust off all that dirt
Sometimes you may stumble, sometimes you may fall
But progress is progress no matter how small

Chapter 21: What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an extremely important topic that I don't feel gets enough attention. I didn't even learn what gaslighting was until 8 years into my marriage, and even then, I disregarded it, convinced that that wasn't what was happening to me. So let's break it down a little.

What is Gaslighting?

The official definition is "to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." Another is "gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality." It is a type of emotional abuse (yes, gaslighting is abuse) and can happen to anyone, in any relationship. The scary part of gaslighting is that if you don't recognize it, you run the risk of believing over time that you must be losing your mind. You'll stop trusting yourself, your memory, your judgment, etc. It may start out small, but the more your partner gaslights you, the worse it can get.

Gaslighting Phrases

There are several phrases to be aware of that are typically key indicators you are being gaslit. Here are a few:

1. That never happened

2. You're remembering wrong/you have a terrible memory

3. You're too sensitive/stop being so sensitive

4. It's all in your head

5. Why can't you take a joke?

6. You need help

7. It wasn't that bad

8. You have no right to feel that way

Signs You Might Be A Victim of Gaslighting

Here are some things to be aware of. If you identify with some or many of these, your partner may be gaslighting you:

1. You have begun to question your own reality

2. You are constantly questioning if you're too sensitive and/or can't take a joke

3. You over apologize to your partner

4. You withhold information about your partner, cover for them, or make excuses for them

5. You find yourself angry or distant with people you've always had a great relationship with before

6. You know you are different than an earlier time in your life where you were confident and relaxed

7. You feel hopeless and as though you can't do anything right

8. You often feel that you're not good enough, especially for your partner

Let's Get Personal

I cannot tell you how many times most if not all of those gaslighting phrases were used on me and how many of the signs I experienced as well. "You're remembering wrong" or other variations connected to memory and events ("I never said that", "that never happened", etc) were said more times than I can count. Sometimes it felt like this one was a daily occurrence. And he spoke things with such conviction (and force) that over time, I began to believe him and his version over my own truth. He would call me arrogant (among other things) if I challenged him in any way, would say things like "your memory isn't as perfect as you think it is", and tell me that I was never able to admit fault, wrongdoing, or say sorry. These are pretty strong accusations and in my determination to prove to him that I AM able to admit fault, wrongdoing, and say sorry, I would concede over and over again. But this of course left me questioning my own reality and sanity time and time again. It was so confusing to me because before I was married, I had a great memory, so what changed? Why was my memory so terrible now? Well, it wasn't - I was being gaslit and just didn't know it. I remember very clearly the first time thinking to myself, "I feel like I don't even know what's real anymore", and that was a very scary feeling. 

A lot of gaslighting involves planting little seeds of doubt or trying to get you to change your mindset, not just with memory-based stuff. My ex drove a wedge between me and my family and even encouraged me to permanently cut ties with certain family members. He tried to convince me they were toxic and no good, and that I was better off without them. Fortunately, I have very strong bonds with my family and he did not succeed in that, but sadly it does work in a lot of abusive situations. 

How to Combat Gaslighting

After my divorce, I started reading the book The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern. It was a tough read for me, because the author reiterates multiple times "it takes two to tango", which didn't feel fair because I was the one being gaslit, and she was saying it was partially MY fault? I had to set it down and come back to it a few times before I really started to understand what she was saying and why she was saying it. 

To put it as simply as possible, a fire will eventually go out if you don't add more kindling or wood to it. If you ignore it or walk away, it has no fuel to continue burning and will eventually die out. With gaslighting, your partner essentially starts a fire, and every time you engage, you are adding fuel and inadvertently burning yourself in the process. If your partner claims xyz and you engage to refute his claim, you just put fuel on the fire. There is so much to tackle from this book and I highly recommend you read it if you want to learn more about gaslighting, but the biggest take away is to stop engaging. If your partner says "that didn't happen", instead of saying "yes it did" and starting an argument, just say something simple like "agree to disagree" and walk away. If he says "you're remembering wrong", instead of engaging, say something like "sometimes we just see things differently" and walk away. You do not need to 'prove him wrong' or even defend yourself. If you know your truth, that's all that matters. 

This is where grey rocking can come in extremely handy as well. In my grey rock post, my ex tried to accuse me of doing something *I* knew I didn't do and instead of trying to defend myself or prove anything, I just calmly said "thank you, I have heard you." It completely killed the proverbial fire, knocked the wind out of his sails, and he ended up walking away. By grey rocking, his gaslight attempt failed, it left him with no fuel to fan the flame, and no upper hand to get me to submit.

Ultimately, a lot of gaslighting deals with how you react and what you do with it, which was a really tough pill for me to swallow. But first, you need to recognize and come to terms with the fact that your partner is gaslighting you. To be clear, in no way am I saying it's your fault, because it is NOT -- no one should ever try to twist your own reality, plants seeds of doubt, or make you feel less than or crazy, and that is still considered emotional abuse. But you do actually have more power in these situations than you may realize and it's eye-opening once you come to that realization.  Don't engage, walk away, and let his abusive fire die.

Chapter 20: Marriage is Like a Business Contract

I'm part of a wonderful support group on Facebook where members help each other understand what's happening pre and post divorce, and how to best heal and move on. Something one of the members said recently was so profound that I wanted to include it here, because I think more people need to be able to see it this black and white when they're in the thick of the fog of an abusive marriage.

Marriage Is Like a Business Contract

There was another member of this group struggling hard with the fact that they made a vow when they got married, and how do you break that vow/walk away from it? They were getting really hard on themselves and asked for advice on how others in the group worked through it. Then another person commented (I'm paraphrasing):

"Let's take marriage in the most basic of senses. It is a contract. In the business world, people make contracts all the time. Both parties agree to the terms of the contract, but if one party violates or doesn't hold up their end of the contract, it is NOT the other party's responsibility to make things right/fix their problems. It's the responsibility of the party who broke it. If that party has no interest in making amends or is adamant that they didn't do anything that violated the contract, then you are under NO obligation to try and maintain that contract. It has already been broken. You are free and clear to walk away because that contract is null and void now. You did not break the contract. You held up your end, and that end is still in tact. You were honorable. The other party was not. "

Wow, that just hit me like a ton of bricks when I read this person's analogy. I had been told something similar by the friend I confided in right before I filed, which was extremely comforting in the moment; but this just brought it to a whole new level for me. 

I spent years upon years of blood, sweat, and tears trying to make this 'contract' work. Each time the other party (my ex) broke the contract, I was still trying desperately to make it work. I bent over backwards to be more accommodating. I accepted blame for so many things that I realize now were not my fault. I accepted apologies for the same indiscretions more times than I can count, even though the behavior wasn't changing. Over and over again, I was trying to fix the contract that HE had broken numerous times already. 

But in business, you would never do that. One time, maybe. More than once? No, that business deal would be 100% done and over with. So why are you allowing yourself to be stepped on right now? Each situation is different. Maybe he cheated, maybe he lied, maybe he has addictions, maybe he actually got physical with you. But if he is not establishing a pattern of change and improvement, and if his words and actions don't match, you're just allowing him to keep breaking that contract over and over again while you sit there and take it and are essentially communicating that you are okay with this behavior and treatment.

Don't let him reduce you to that. You are worth MORE than that. You do not deserve to be treated poorly. Whatever his demons are, those are NOT your fault, no matter what he tries to tell you. You did not MAKE him hit you. You did not MAKE him gamble, or lie or cheat or steal. He CHOSE that. And if he ever blames you for it, be very careful, because you may turn into his human punching bag, sometimes figuratively, and unfortunately sometimes literally. 

If he breaks the contract, the marriage vows, you are under NO obligation to stay, no matter what your family, friends, or religious leaders say. Break the trauma bond. Remind yourself that it is NOT your fault; his actions are NOT a result of your shortcomings. You deserve to be in a kind and loving relationship filled with mutual respect and care. Do not stay because "you're supposed to". That's what I did, for over a decade, even though it was almost immediately bad. Find your truth. If your spouse breaks that contract, know that YOU are not breaking the contract or vows by leaving. He already broke it. You are now choosing to walk away from an awful situation that was created by his actions, not yours. I have faith in you. You are strong and you can do it. ❤️ Go find your happiness and freedom. 

Chapter 19: Grey Rock

If you're not familiar with emotional abuse and the terms associated, this might sound like a weird one. I didn't even learn what this was until long after my ex and I separated, but oh how I wish I had known about this earlier on because of how effective it can be. 

What is the Grey Rock Method?

The grey rock method means you essentially became as flat and emotionless as a grey rock. You are as unresponsive as possible. If someone tries to pick a fight with you, instead of getting defensive, you say something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and do not engage further. If someone asks you a question, you answer as emotionless and shortly and succinctly as possible, nothing more. "Grey rocking" is a tactic used to deflate your abuser and protect yourself.

How Is This Applied?

In an abusive relationship, your abuser likely often knows exactly how to hurt you. They probably accuse you of untrue things all the time, and you probably give them some kind of reaction, which is exactly what they are looking for. If your abuser commonly calls you names, insults or humiliates you, gaslights you, etc., you likely react with tears, anger, frustration, etc. Whatever your reaction, you react. You engage. Your abuser typically feeds off of this energy. Toxic and manipulative people thrive on conflict and chaos. Many abusers purposefully push these buttons to get you to react and get angry and then they are suddenly 100% calm in an instant and turn it around on you, asking you why you are so upset, while they're sitting there cool as a cucumber, further messing with your mind and reality. 

However, if you don't give your abuser the reaction they're looking for, it deflates them, and they don't know what to do. They're used to getting a certain reaction out of you and feeding off of that, so if you don't react, they don't have any ammo or negative energy to feed off of. Grey rocking allows you to take some of your power back. 

The first time I did this, I had no idea what grey rocking was. It was the day before I was going to kick my ex out and I was desperately trying to keep it together because the plan had to stay in tact (I didn't feel safe telling him without someone else present). We were doing basic house cleaning, and he tried to pick a fight on who should be doing what. But instead of reacting or engaging, I just said "okay, I'll do it." It totally took him off guard. A few minutes later, in a further attempt to get me to engage/react, he accused me of escalating, which was so confusing because I had not reacted to anything. I did slightly engage here and say very flatly, "no, I'm not." His own tone escalated as he exclaimed "yes you are!" I replied with something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and continued cleaning. He stood there for a moment, and then stormed off in a huff. Once I was done cleaning, I sat down on the couch. He came and sat a few seats away and said, "can we finish our conversation?" I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, and said "I didn't know there was more to say, but if you feel there is, then go ahead." He tried again to tell me that I was escalating earlier, and kept trying to get a reaction out of me, but then I interrupted him and asked very calmly, "what is your purpose with this conversation?" This also took him extremely aback as this was very out of character for me. He was silent for a few seconds and then said "to let you know that you were escalating." With zero emotion, I replied, "I have heard you. Thank you." He got angry, escalated himself and nearly shouted, "No you haven't!" I just repeated flatly, "I have heard you. Thank you." He had no idea how to respond. He got zero reaction out of me. I did not engage at all, and he had no idea what to do with that. He didn't get the energy or conflict he was looking for and it was so foreign to him that he sat there almost dumbfounded for a minute. It honestly was the weirdest experience for me. I'd never seen him at a loss for words like that. He sat there for another few moments and then stormed off in a huff. 

Let me tell you... that experience was absolutely amazing. I didn't even know why at the time. I didn't know this was an actual tactic. I didn't fully understand what emotional abuse was yet and I'd never heard of grey rocking, but for the first time in over a decade, I felt like I had taken some of my power back. It was invigorating. He tried to stomp on me and failed. I wasn't left in tears. I wasn't left a wreck. I wasn't left confused, questioning my own reality or words. It was like I had accidentally found and used an emotional shield that deflected his attacks. For me, grey rocking gave me added courage that I needed for the next day. 

Take Back Your Power

If you are in an abusive (or toxic) relationship and are seeking further emotional protection, implement the grey rock method. It really works. Give it a try and see how you feel afterward. If you are divorced from your abuser but can't go no-contact due to custody arrangements, utilize grey rock whenever you have to speak with your ex. This works even with a toxic coworker or any toxic person you have to deal with. Stand in your power. Don't give others the power to control you and your emotions. You have the strength within you to find yourself again and to be stronger than ever before.

***Note: if your partner has a propensity for violence, be very careful with grey rock. Some abusers escalate when they do not get a reaction of out you and it could put you at greater risk. if your partner has ever been violent in ANY way (this includes punching/throwing/hitting inanimate objects), please call the national Domestic Violent hotline: 800-799-7233 and they can help you safely escape.

Chapter 18: Game Night Trigger

I love games. I love learning new ones and also love introducing those same ones to friends. My ex and I did game nights with friends quite a bit, and we often had new games to introduce to others. But each time I would try to explain a game, he'd swoop in and take over in record speed. You see, I was never allowed to explain how to play a game, because I'm "terrible at explaining games". He would tell me (and others) that all the time. I either explained too much too soon, not enough to start, confused people even more than they already were, stressed people out with the way I explained games, you name it. He gave me a huge complex around this. And by the end of our marriage, I honestly believed it... until one friend shortly after separation who had done a single game night with us in the past said "I noticed he didn't always treat you very well." I was curious what she meant by that, and I asked if she'd be okay elaborating. The example she gave? "When we were playing [game] and you started to explain it, he stepped all over you and took over. I thought, 'she was explaining the game just fine. Why did he do that?' I remember thinking 'wow I would so not be okay with being treated that way." It was the first validation I had that it wasn't just me, that I was doing just fine explaining the game, and that someone else had noticed right away how he takes over. 

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago. I attended a game night with some friends. Each of us brought some games to choose from. Once it was decided that the first game would be one that I brought and would therefore have to explain, I was filled with anxiety. But I wasn't going to let it stop me - I refuse to give it control over me. I took a deep breath, started explaining, and everyone understood right away. Huge relief. The game went great and everyone had a good time. Game #2 was then chosen, and it was also a game that I brought, so it was time for me to explain another game. I explained the basics, and everyone was a little confused on the game play. Oh no...

I cannot even describe to you all the thoughts and feelings that went through my head in milliseconds. So much anxiety, fear, trepidation, etc. But then the craziest most terrifying thing happened. Since the divorce, I had not yet experienced anything this real and in-my-face. It was as if my ex was suddenly standing right next to me, saying all the disparaging things directly into my ear. "How many times do I have to tell you that you are terrible at explaining games? Why do you never believe me? You should never be the one to explain a game. See? You just confused everyone even more and now they have no idea what's going on. They're not even going to want to play the game because of how poorly you explained it." I could go on, but you get the idea. 

The most difficult part though, was that with all of these things being "said" into my ear, I was also still actively trying to re-explain this game a second time, all while my body wanted to run away, hide in a corner, and cry. It was the most real and traumatizing thing I'd felt or experienced since the divorce. In those moments, it felt like he was right there saying these things to me in real time. And I'm simultaneously in process of re-explaining the game a second time, also in real time. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone who's yelling in your ear and continue a conversation as if nothing is wrong? Just imagine that. That's essentially what I was doing. I just prayed the group would understand it the second time through, and luckily, they did. We played the game, had a good time, and everything was totally fine after that. 

So why do I tell you about this? To give you hope that you too can work through a trigger in real time. Do not let it debilitate you. It took so much strength to push through that. I had to dig deeper than I knew was possible. My mind was working overtime, trying to process an active trigger, trying to have a conversation with 'Trauma Brain' telling it that we'll be okay, resisting the urge to run off in tears, continuing the explanation of the game, and more. It. was. exhausting. But I did it. I succeeded. I processed it, I came out on the other end, and I didn't let it destroy my night. I proved to MYSELF that I can in fact explain games just fine. I proved to myself that I can overcome triggers. I proved to myself that I am capable and strong and can rise above my traumas. 

Anyone who has been through trauma is likely going to have some triggers. As I've said before, it's not a matter of "if" but "when", and we need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for when these moments happen. While you can't prevent it from happening, you can prepare for it and decide how you'll manage it. And when you're experiencing it in the moment, don't just push it away or shove it down, because that won't help you overcome it. A wise person once told me that you must address the trigger and give it space in order to begin healing from it. Tell your 'Trauma Brain' something like "Yes, this is/was a scary thing, but you're safe now and it's going to be okay." 

So, decide now how you will handle when triggers arise. Learn some breathing techniques to keep you calm in the moment, prepare to give the trigger and those feelings space but not enough to consume you, and remind yourself that it's in the past and that you're going to be okay. It IS in the past, and you WILL be okay. You won't magically transform overnight, but you will be okay. You're a survivor. Keep moving forward, keep learning and growing, keep progressing. You will overcome your traumas. You are stronger than you know. 💪

Chapter 17: Let's Talk About Tomatoes

Okay, I know you're probably thinking "Tomatoes? What does this have to do with abuse?" Well, let me tell you... 

A few weeks after separation, my mother came to stay with me for several weeks to help me navigate everything. Naturally, we had many conversations while she was here. I don't even remember how it came up, but I was telling her how critical my ex was of everything. I used tomatoes as a real-life example where I would make him a sandwich, but then he'd criticize the thickness of the tomato slices instead of saying thank you (Ex: "Why would you cut them that thick? No one wants them that thick. It ruins the sandwich when all you can taste is tomato. Why can't you slice them thin? It's not that hard. Do I need to show you again?"). I unknowingly would always immediately apologize and take the blame for it, even though he should have just appreciated the fact that I made him something. He did this with all sorts of things, but seemed especially picky about the perfection of food - perfection to his standards, of course. 

A few days went by, and I made some sandwiches for myself and my mom, which included tomatoes. (As I was slicing the tomatoes, I even remember thinking almost subconsciously, "are these too thick? I hope they're okay.") I gave her the sandwich, and after she took a bite, she jokingly said "I think you cut the tomato slices too thick." This was my immediate and almost involuntary response: "Oh I'm so sorry." I either made a disparaging remark about myself ("I always cut them too thick"), or might have even offered to slice some more; I can't remember. But either way, I immediately accepted blame for it and was trying to make it better, falling all over myself trying make amends. My mother had to quickly interrupt me and say "Sweetie, it was a joke. Just trying to make light of the situation." And that's when I completely fell apart and just sobbed. I was so angry that he had his claws in me so deep that I didn't even notice how I'd responded, that he had completely conditioned me to respond in a very specific way, and that I was immediately apologizing all over the place to my mother when she tried to joke about it. I didn't even notice the sarcasm in her voice, because I was so used to comments like that just being a normal part of my everyday life. 

Then of course, it had me thinking, what else was he like that with? How many other instances in all facets of life did the same scenario play out on a daily basis? I do know that I overly apologized all the time. But this tomato scenario was one of the first times I had to face head on that I was in an extremely toxic relationship. I was still so fresh out of the relationship that I hadn't even recognized it for what it was. I was still making excuses for him. I was in denial. He wasn't really abusive, right? Sorry, yes, he was. Emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is very real, is often highly overlooked and disregarded, and is infinitely more difficult to prove because there aren't visible bruises that you wear as battle wounds. These wounds are invisible. Unrecognizable. It is a silent battle that is often fought entirely alone, as it slowly eats away at you a little more each day.

This tomato experience put me on a path to self-discovery. There are more things than I can count that I have learned and continue to learn about regarding how he treated me. I've also found an amazing support group of people formerly married to someone similar to my ex that have provided so much validation to my experience, to help me realize that I am not alone in this, and that it really was abuse. This is a battle I still fight every day. I'm constantly having to step back and think "Why am I reacting this way?" and do my own self-analysis of my inner thoughts. I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by people who are so patient with me as I unpack these traumas. 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to once again emphasize that you are not alone. What you experienced was real. You went through real trauma. You do not deserve to be treated the way you were. You do not deserve to be talked to in a disparaging or insulting way and you do not deserve to be degraded or gaslit. If you are recovering from an abusive or toxic relationship, please find a trusted therapist if you haven't already - this has helped and continues to help me immensely. Consider journaling as well - I have typed hundreds of pages since my divorce. It has become very therapeutic and has really helped me to sort through my feelings and emotions and honestly, has helped me to understand me more. Read books or watch subject matter experts relevant to your type(s) of abuse. Do whatever works for you, but don't be stagnant. Don't get stuck in your misery. Don't blame other people; don't make excuses. Only YOU have the power to take back your life and become a better you. 

Find healthy ways to face your traumas and ways to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, how you were affected, how you are going to handle/treat it in the present, and what you are going to do about it moving forward. Do not let the abuse define you. What you went through wasn't okay, but don't let it consume you. Learn from it, work through it, and become stronger because of it. ❤️

Chapter 16: Finding Myself

 

I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head this week, and sometimes when I have more thoughts than I know what to do with, I turn to poetry and it helps me put my thoughts into coherent words. So, here's another poem.  

Finding Myself

My mind is all jumbled and I can’t figure out, what’s your fault and what is mine
The ways that you twisted my thoughts and my words, I’m still having the hardest time
Someone will say something innocent to me, and I internalize it way too much
I interpret the words as harshly as you once conveyed, I remember how you would judge

So without even realizing, there are changes I make, ‘cause inside I’m still scared of your wrath
You’re not even here and the people are new, yet my mind is still stuck on that path
You conditioned me so much to conform to your ways, that I still constantly try to improve
It’s hard to remember you don’t control me anymore; your shadow is so hard to remove

If someone makes any suggestion at all, I take note and work fast to correct
My body is still trying to protect at all costs, and the differences it cannot detect 
So I’m left to sort out why I do what I do, is it me or your lasting effects?
How would I have acted before meeting you? These dots are so hard to connect

Each day I feel like I’m retraining my brain, have to help it find safety and peace
I’m away from the pain and the hurt I endured, now I just need my brain to release
Still working on ways to compare and contrast, it’s a balance I haven’t quite figured out
Is it true that the good ones won’t act like you did? Every day I still battle the doubt

While I’ve found so much peace being free from your reign, there’s so much that I’m still working through
It requires some deep introspection and thought, trying to make sense of what’s really true
But I am determined to reclaim my life, to remember who I am at my core
I’m finding myself a little more every day, and I will emerge even stronger than before