Chapter 12: Do You Feel Seen?

While we all physically "see" each other, how many of us truly see each other, at our core? I've learned recently how incredibly important this is, and also how much I had been starved of this my entire marriage. So, what does it mean to be seen?

Being Seen

In short, if you feel seen by your partner, you feel that he gets you. He understands you. He sees through your exterior and into your core, your soul, your true and authentic self. You don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself or prove yourself. When your partner sees you, he sees your true character. He sees those inner qualities more than the external qualities. Here are 2 comparisons for context:

Not feeling seen: Your partner only compliments things like your physical appearance, your accomplishments, your talents, etc. While these things may be a part of you, they do not define you. This says nothing about your character or the kind of person you are or the type of heart you have. There's no depth here.

Feeling seen: Your partner has made deep observations about you and admires you for what they've discovered. They see your positive outlook on life, your love for [xyz], your passion for [abc], your positive character traits, your innermost dreams and fears. They see what makes you tick. If you have traumas, they work with you, not against you - nothing is held over your head. They understand why you are the way you are and love you for it. They don't try to change who you are. You just feel that they "get" you, sometimes even more than you understand yourself. You feel a deep connection to them that draws you closer to them. 

Why Is This Important?

if you are constantly with someone who invalidates your feelings, your hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, etc., you are not going to feel very connected to your partner. In fact, you will probably constantly feel the need to prove yourself. You'll feel that you have to do and say things to prove to your partner that you care about certain things, or that you do or don't want something to happen. If you are not seen, you are not understood. If you are not understood, you may go to great lengths to get your partner to understand, sometimes to your detriment. 

A great example I heard once compares and contrasts the difference in really plain terms. Let's say you are cold; you go to your partner's house, knock on the door, he opens, and you say "I'm cold, can I come in?" A good partner who sees you, will say "yes of course" and bring you in immediately, no questions asked. He will see that whether or not he feels cold, you clearly are and he wants to help. Conversely, a partner who does not see you, will open the door and say "Why? It's not even cold outside. You shouldn't be cold. Come back when it's truly cold."

Aside from the obvious, what's wrong with that last scenario? You will then do everything you can to prove to him you're cold and need shelter. You may show him you have goosebumps, or try to make him feel how cold your hands or face are, or show him where you just came from to see how cold it was there, etc. Yet even after all that, he may still require further proof or evidence. This is exhausting. If every statement you make is questioned or invalidated, soon your entire existence is constantly finding ways to prove and/or validate your feelings or actions to both you and your partner. This is not healthy. This also leads back to not feeling safe, among other things. You should not have to be constantly proving yourself to your partner, or bringing evidence to him to validate your feelings and/or experiences. If he truly saw you, he wouldn't need that. 

A good quote I read recently stated, "When we don’t feel seen we either raise the stakes to be seen or we begin to hide as a means of self-protection." You either waste an exorbitant amount of time and energy 'raising the stakes', OR you start sinking within yourself. Neither route is healthy and you should never have to feel that way in a relationship. 

What Do You Need to See and Be Seen?

So how does one work to see their partner? This is a loaded question, as there are many things that need to be present. Here are a few:

• Does he allow you to feel?
• Does he validate those feelings whether or not he understands them?
• Does he listen intently when you talk?
• Does he show interest in your interests?
• Does he take note of the things you love and find ways to surprise you later? (ex: he knows your favorite drink and gets you one just because; he knows when someone does [xyz] it means a lot to you, so he does it just to make you smile)
• Is he observant? Does he notice things about you just by you being you and how you interact with other people?
• Does he remember things you tell him?
• Does he believe you when you say [xyz]?

How Do You Let Yourself Be Seen?

Another important part of this is allowing yourself to be seen. This can be especially hard if you're coming from an abusive relationship where you had to build walls, defenses, and hide inside yourself out of self-preservation. Allowing yourself to be seen requires vulnerability, trust, respect, etc., and it can be terrifying. However, you cannot both hide and be seen. You have to step into the unknown and allow your partner to have opportunities to see you. This will almost certainly include deep and vulnerable conversations over time. This will require you to be your authentic self in front of him. It's okay if this takes time - it takes time for most people. 

Lastly, keep in mind as you think on all of this: this is a two-way street. Ask yourself all of the same questions. Do YOU validate your partner, take interest, observe, listen, etc.? He needs you to see him just as much as you need him to see you. When you both feel seen by each other, that is a true sign of a healthy and loving relationship.