Chapter 13: It's Healthy to Cry

Every single one of us has cried. We cried when we were kids, when we got hurt, when someone said something mean, when we didn't get on the team or into the play, when someone broke our heart, etc. There are so many reasons each of us cries. 

(And of course, there is a big difference between crying about something specific, and crying 24/7. If you resonate more with constant crying, please seek out a medical professional to help you. There is hope. ❤️)

There are actually 3 different types of tears: basal, reflex, and emotional. Basal is always there, as these tears are what keep our eyes lubricated. Reflex tears are to get irritants out such as dust, smoke, or that pesky onion. Emotional tears are the tears most of us think about when we hear the word "cry". These are in response to sadness, joy, fear, stress, etc., and these tears are the tears I'm going to focus on. 

Health Benefits of Crying

For those of you (myself included) who so often suppress your tears, did you know there are legitimate health benefits to crying? Some professionals have even suggested that we may be doing ourselves a disservice by not tearing up regularly because of the good things that can come from crying. Remind yourself of these benefits next time you try to suppress your tears.

Relieves stress and restores balance - When you cry, you relieve some of your stress. Stephen Sideroff, a clinical psychologist, said, "Stress tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that... [Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance." Crying is sometimes how your body recovers from experiencing a very strong emotion and can help restore emotional equilibrium.

Releases oxytocin and endorphins - these chemicals can help ease emotional (sometimes even physical) pain. Oxytocin can also give you a sense of calmness. 

Detoxifies - emotional tears contain stress hormones and other toxins. Crying is said to flush these out of your system.

Improves mood - Sometimes crying will actually lift your spirits. Getting it all out can often be therapeutic. This is why sometimes after we cry, we feel a little bit (or a lot) better. 

Helps you recover from grief - If you are crying while processing through grief, it can be a sign of healing. Crying can also often help you process and accept whatever it is you are grieving (loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, etc). 

Crying and Abusive Relationships

"Crying activates the body in a healthy way... Letting down one's guard and one's defenses and [crying] is a very positive, healthy thing. The same thing happens when you watch a movie and it touches you and you cry... That process of opening into yourself... it's like a lock and key."  -Stephen Sideroff

This part resonated so much with me: "Letting down one's guard and one's defenses". Especially if you are with someone else, you absolutely have to let down your guard and defenses. You have to be vulnerable. You have to trust the other person (or people) you are with. You have to feel safe. For anyone coming from an abusive relationship, this is so hard. 

Let me give context for why...

My ex knew just the right things to say for me to cry, and he turned crying into a weapon. If he said or did something hurtful that caused me to cry, he'd tell me I was too emotional and that I "can't handle hard things", and say things like "this is why I never talk to you about anything". Basically, if I were to start crying, he would use it against me and find a way to blame me for the situation, and use it as a way to get out of talking about something he knew he did wrong. If I shed a single tear, sniffled, etc., he'd go into this pattern. And he made me cry... a lot. So, over time, I learned how to shut it off and become an empty shell. I would have to sit there and listen to him 'lecture' me for quite some time (sometimes hours, typically late into the night) without showing any emotion. I had to be a stone wall, or else he would rail into me harder, and/or storm out, blaming it on me. Once he was finished, if I wanted to speak, I had to continue that stone wall and not let any tears (or frankly, any emotion) escape, or I'd have to face the consequences. I had to prove to him that I can "keep it together" at all times and sit there and take the verbal/emotional beating like a robot. Because of this, crying became a very terrifying thing in my world, knowing the consequences that would ensue if I didn't hold it all in. 

The problem now, though, is that I still struggle to cry, especially with a significant other. I've been so conditioned to feel that if I show emotion, whoever I'm with is going to take it poorly, accuse me of being too dramatic, belittle or discredit my feelings, walk out, etc. A few nights ago I was telling someone some pretty painful things about my divorce process, felt myself get choked up for half a second, and immediately sucked it back in, turned it off, and shoved it down. I didn't even realize I had done it until afterward - it was completely involuntary. It was a safety and defense mechanism, because for so long, I had to suppress emotion in order to survive. But I want to be able to cry in front of others again. And I'm working toward that. It's a process, but I've made progress in recent months, and am inching closer to being able to get my tears back.

I chose to share this little snapshot to help you know that you are not alone. If you've had to become a shell just to survive, I see you. I hear you. I understand you. And I'm here for you. 

Once you are out of your toxic and potentially unsafe situation, remind yourself as often as you need to that crying is healthy. Crying can help you process through your grief. It can release toxins. It can restore balance. Crying is actually very important. It is OKAY to cry. I encourage you to cry. Here's to more healthy tears for all of us in our future. 🥂 

Here's a parting poem for you.

Feel It To Heal It

For so many years, emotions were banned; couldn’t even shed one single tear

If a tear dared to surface, his anger would come; I was living in constant fear

So I quickly learned how to keep it all in, never crying when I had been hurt

I’d sit there and listen to horrible things; days like that were simply the worst

Now that it’s over and I’m free to be me, it’s still hard to allow tears to flow

My instinctive response is still solidly there, and I worry when emotions show

I’ll find myself starting to get teary-eyed, and immediately suck it back in

My body still feels that more pain will ensue, for so long that’s just how it had been

But crying is healthy, it gets feelings out, it can ease the pain of the past

It can help you find clarity, balance your mind, the benefits really are vast

“Feel it to heal it” is what I’ve been told, this includes letting tears freely flow

Open your heart again, let it all out, let these tears help the new you to grow

Sometimes this process can take quite a while, so be kind to yourself as you heal

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, just start letting your whole being feel

The tears, they will come as you dig deep within, the difference it makes will be strong

And the pain of the past will start melting away, and you’ll find where you really belong