The purpose of this blog is to help others recognize when they are in an abusive relationship. I was in one for over 10 years and honestly had no idea. I thought it was just part of marriage. I thought it was normal, and so often I thought I was the problem, because that's what I had been conditioned to believe. But the longer I am away from my ex, the more I am learning just how much I was actually abused, and the angrier I am that ALL forms of abuse are not openly talked about. (As a disclaimer, I recognize the perpetrator of abuse can be male or female, but this blog will address the perpetrator as male and victim as female.)
To start, there are so many forms of abuse. Unfortunately, the only one that anyone really ever talks about is violent physical abuse. And even then, it's only visible violent abuse on the spouse that is addressed. If a woman walks in with a black eye or a bruised arm, that's when people take notice. But the far more subtle and sinister abuse is verbal, emotional, psychological, etc., and it happens far more often than you think. And because it is not talked about, so many women are suffering in silence because they think it's normal. I certainly did.
But since it's the most commonly discussed one, the first one I will address is violent physical abuse. I feel like most women are under the impression that it's not domestic violence unless their spouse physically harms them. I learned far too late that that's not the case. Near the end of my marriage with my ex, something severe enough happened that resulted in me talking in person with a police officer, and as he was asking questions about the situation, I told him "he has never hit me. He has punched big holes in walls, shattered things, etc., but he hasn't been violent with me." The officer was then very concerned and asked if I had reported those cases. I was confused. Why would I have reported those cases? That wasn't domestic violence, right? He didn't lay a hand on me, therefore it was okay, right?
NO. That is not okay! He was being VIOLENT. I learned that night (far too late), that deliberate destruction of any property especially while in an argument with your spouse is domestic violence. Had I reported those, I would have had a better case as the marriage was ending. Unfortunately, I didn't even know I could have reported it... but honestly, I still probably wouldn't have, because I would have justified it in my head with "well, he was just angry. And he didn't hurt me so it's okay." But the problem ladies, is that it wasn't you that time. But if your husband/significant other has a propensity for violence, it's only a matter of time before he hits you instead of an inanimate object. I found this image recently that resonated with me regarding this:
Stop protecting him. The only person you are hurting by doing so is yourself (and your kids if you have them). Every time your spouse destroys property, call the police. Document it. Many abusers are also extremely charming and people on the outside find it hard to believe that your spouse has a dark side, so it may be the only thing you have on your side if/when you ever decide to finally escape.
What is Domestic Violence?
As stated above, I always thought domestic violence was just physical abuse on a spouse. But I've been doing a lot of homework, and as it turns out, it encompasses much more than that. According to the Office of Justice Programs, this is the official definition:
"Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone."
Is that surprising to you? Because it was extremely surprising to me. Even psychological, emotional, and economic actions are considered domestic VIOLENCE. Even behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, and hurt someone. Why is this not taught and discussed?? Domestic violence is ALL of this.
Types of Abuse
- Physical abuse can include hitting, biting, slapping, battering, shoving, punching, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, etc. (any type of violent behavior inflicted on the victim). Physical abuse also includes denying someone medical treatment and forcing drug/alcohol use on someone.
- Sexual abuse occurs when the abuser coerces or attempts to coerce the victim into having sexual contact or sexual behavior without the victim's consent. This often takes the form of marital rape, attacking sexual body parts, physical violence that is followed by forcing sex, sexually demeaning the victim, or even telling sexual jokes at the victim's expense.
- Emotional abuse involves invalidating or deflating the victim's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. Emotional abuse often takes the form of constant criticism, name-calling, injuring the victim's relationship with his/her children, or interfering with the victim's abilities.
- Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim from going to school or work.
- Psychological abuse involves the abuser invoking fear through intimidation; threatening to physically hurt himself/herself, the victim, children, the victim's family or friends, or the pets; destruction of property; injuring the pets; isolating the victim from loved ones; and prohibiting the victim from going to school or work.
- Threats to hit, injure, or use a weapon are a form of psychological abuse.
- Stalking can include following the victim, spying, watching, harassing, showing up at the victim's home or work, sending gifts, collecting information, making phone calls, leaving written messages, or appearing at a person's home or workplace. These acts individually are typically legal, but any of these behaviors done continuously results in a stalking crime.
- Cyberstalking refers to online action or repeated emailing that inflicts substantial emotional distress in the recipient.
If you identify with any of these definitions or anything that has been stated in this post, please please reach out to a trusted friend or family member and get help. Or email me and I would be more than happy to talk with you. I was isolated for years and I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in this. Or go to https://www.thehotline.org/ or call 800.799.SAFE. There are so many resources available to help you. You are not alone.
Even if I help enlighten just one person and inspire them to take action and escape an abusive relationship, this blog will be worth it. I am writing this because I so desperately wish someone had told me that what I was going through was not normal but was in fact, abuse. Abuse is never okay and you do NOT deserve to be treated that way. It is not your fault, and it is nothing you did. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This.
Have courage, escape, and take back your life.
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