Chapter 19: Grey Rock

If you're not familiar with emotional abuse and the terms associated, this might sound like a weird one. I didn't even learn what this was until long after my ex and I separated, but oh how I wish I had known about this earlier on because of how effective it can be. 

What is the Grey Rock Method?

The grey rock method means you essentially became as flat and emotionless as a grey rock. You are as unresponsive as possible. If someone tries to pick a fight with you, instead of getting defensive, you say something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and do not engage further. If someone asks you a question, you answer as emotionless and shortly and succinctly as possible, nothing more. "Grey rocking" is a tactic used to deflate your abuser and protect yourself.

How Is This Applied?

In an abusive relationship, your abuser likely often knows exactly how to hurt you. They probably accuse you of untrue things all the time, and you probably give them some kind of reaction, which is exactly what they are looking for. If your abuser commonly calls you names, insults or humiliates you, gaslights you, etc., you likely react with tears, anger, frustration, etc. Whatever your reaction, you react. You engage. Your abuser typically feeds off of this energy. Toxic and manipulative people thrive on conflict and chaos. Many abusers purposefully push these buttons to get you to react and get angry and then they are suddenly 100% calm in an instant and turn it around on you, asking you why you are so upset, while they're sitting there cool as a cucumber, further messing with your mind and reality. 

However, if you don't give your abuser the reaction they're looking for, it deflates them, and they don't know what to do. They're used to getting a certain reaction out of you and feeding off of that, so if you don't react, they don't have any ammo or negative energy to feed off of. Grey rocking allows you to take some of your power back. 

The first time I did this, I had no idea what grey rocking was. It was the day before I was going to kick my ex out and I was desperately trying to keep it together because the plan had to stay in tact (I didn't feel safe telling him without someone else present). We were doing basic house cleaning, and he tried to pick a fight on who should be doing what. But instead of reacting or engaging, I just said "okay, I'll do it." It totally took him off guard. A few minutes later, in a further attempt to get me to engage/react, he accused me of escalating, which was so confusing because I had not reacted to anything. I did slightly engage here and say very flatly, "no, I'm not." His own tone escalated as he exclaimed "yes you are!" I replied with something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and continued cleaning. He stood there for a moment, and then stormed off in a huff. Once I was done cleaning, I sat down on the couch. He came and sat a few seats away and said, "can we finish our conversation?" I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, and said "I didn't know there was more to say, but if you feel there is, then go ahead." He tried again to tell me that I was escalating earlier, and kept trying to get a reaction out of me, but then I interrupted him and asked very calmly, "what is your purpose with this conversation?" This also took him extremely aback as this was very out of character for me. He was silent for a few seconds and then said "to let you know that you were escalating." With zero emotion, I replied, "I have heard you. Thank you." He got angry, escalated himself and nearly shouted, "No you haven't!" I just repeated flatly, "I have heard you. Thank you." He had no idea how to respond. He got zero reaction out of me. I did not engage at all, and he had no idea what to do with that. He didn't get the energy or conflict he was looking for and it was so foreign to him that he sat there almost dumbfounded for a minute. It honestly was the weirdest experience for me. I'd never seen him at a loss for words like that. He sat there for another few moments and then stormed off in a huff. 

Let me tell you... that experience was absolutely amazing. I didn't even know why at the time. I didn't know this was an actual tactic. I didn't fully understand what emotional abuse was yet and I'd never heard of grey rocking, but for the first time in over a decade, I felt like I had taken some of my power back. It was invigorating. He tried to stomp on me and failed. I wasn't left in tears. I wasn't left a wreck. I wasn't left confused, questioning my own reality or words. It was like I had accidentally found and used an emotional shield that deflected his attacks. For me, grey rocking gave me added courage that I needed for the next day. 

Take Back Your Power

If you are in an abusive (or toxic) relationship and are seeking further emotional protection, implement the grey rock method. It really works. Give it a try and see how you feel afterward. If you are divorced from your abuser but can't go no-contact due to custody arrangements, utilize grey rock whenever you have to speak with your ex. This works even with a toxic coworker or any toxic person you have to deal with. Stand in your power. Don't give others the power to control you and your emotions. You have the strength within you to find yourself again and to be stronger than ever before.

***Note: if your partner has a propensity for violence, be very careful with grey rock. Some abusers escalate when they do not get a reaction of out you and it could put you at greater risk. if your partner has ever been violent in ANY way (this includes punching/throwing/hitting inanimate objects), please call the national Domestic Violent hotline: 800-799-7233 and they can help you safely escape.