Chapter 9: It's Not Your Fault

I had something happen yesterday that had me blaming myself for the whole thing, even though it was almost entirely out of my control. I found myself apologizing incessantly, I was filled with anxiety, and was shockingly fearful of potential repercussions. I just kept beating myself up about it over and over again. A million "coulda woulda shoulda" thoughts consumed me last night. 

After some processing, I realized there were even more things my ex messed me up with. In the marriage, whatever the disagreement was wouldn't end until I agreed with his perspective, and apologized for essentially having a different opinion. Somehow it was my fault.

If something didn't go as planned, even if it was out of my control, if the event or outing was my idea, it was instantly 100% my fault and I was in trouble for it. 
If the event took longer than I promised it would take, it was my fault.
If it wasn't exactly as outlined, if was my fault.
If something didn't work out, it was my fault.
If there was a hiccup in any way, it was my fault.

And I wouldn't hear the end of it, sometimes for days. No amount of apologizing was satisfactory enough, so I found myself just apologizing over and over again, trying desperately to make the dissatisfaction go away. I didn't realize until last night how much that still affects me, until I found myself overly apologizing to someone for something that wasn't even my fault but that I felt responsible for. 

So as I often do, I wrote a poem to get my thoughts and feelings out.

It's Not Your Fault

You were conditioned for so many years, to take on the blame for it all
No matter the instance, the setting, the day, you were your abuser’s rag doll
You believed when he told you that it was your fault, if only you’d done x, y, z
Each day like a minefield you prayed didn’t explode, but a safe path impossible to see

So every small action, reaction, and thought, had you bracing for more of the pain
Emotional, verbal, psychological too; how’d you get here? Your life wrapped in chains
Don’t ever you dare disagree with his thoughts, you’ll be worse off than when you began
He’ll lash out, get violent, and walk out the door, you alone with your head in your hands

And then while he’s gone for some hours or days, you believe the root problem is you
So once he returns you then beg, plead, and cry, and abide by his every last rule
But what you can’t see while you’re stuck in that cloud, is that it’s not on you, it’s on him
He has some real issues he will not address, this is a battle you cannot win

No matter how hard you think “I can fix him”, it won’t help if he’s unwilling to change
You’ve tried all you can, but it’ll never be enough, those attempts now are long out of range
It’s time to escape and to set yourself free, yes it’s easier said than done
Get your things, leave the house, and do not blame yourself, if you do this you’ve already won

Now go build a new life, find your strength once again, rediscover what it’s like to be you
There’s a force deep inside you that you can release, and this power will help you get through
He’s in the past now, he can’t hurt you again, please forget all the things you were taught
And if anything please don’t forget this one thing, that none of these scars are your fault.