I love games. I love learning new ones and also love introducing those same ones to friends. My ex and I did game nights with friends quite a bit, and we often had new games to introduce to others. But each time I would try to explain a game, he'd swoop in and take over in record speed. You see, I was never allowed to explain how to play a game, because I'm "terrible at explaining games". He would tell me (and others) that all the time. I either explained too much too soon, not enough to start, confused people even more than they already were, stressed people out with the way I explained games, you name it. He gave me a huge complex around this. And by the end of our marriage, I honestly believed it... until one friend shortly after separation who had done a single game night with us in the past said "I noticed he didn't always treat you very well." I was curious what she meant by that, and I asked if she'd be okay elaborating. The example she gave? "When we were playing [game] and you started to explain it, he stepped all over you and took over. I thought, 'she was explaining the game just fine. Why did he do that?' I remember thinking 'wow I would so not be okay with being treated that way." It was the first validation I had that it wasn't just me, that I was doing just fine explaining the game, and that someone else had noticed right away how he takes over.
Fast forward to just a few weeks ago. I attended a game night with some friends. Each of us brought some games to choose from. Once it was decided that the first game would be one that I brought and would therefore have to explain, I was filled with anxiety. But I wasn't going to let it stop me - I refuse to give it control over me. I took a deep breath, started explaining, and everyone understood right away. Huge relief. The game went great and everyone had a good time. Game #2 was then chosen, and it was also a game that I brought, so it was time for me to explain another game. I explained the basics, and everyone was a little confused on the game play. Oh no...
I cannot even describe to you all the thoughts and feelings that went through my head in milliseconds. So much anxiety, fear, trepidation, etc. But then the craziest most terrifying thing happened. Since the divorce, I had not yet experienced anything this real and in-my-face. It was as if my ex was suddenly standing right next to me, saying all the disparaging things directly into my ear. "How many times do I have to tell you that you are terrible at explaining games? Why do you never believe me? You should never be the one to explain a game. See? You just confused everyone even more and now they have no idea what's going on. They're not even going to want to play the game because of how poorly you explained it." I could go on, but you get the idea.
The most difficult part though, was that with all of these things being "said" into my ear, I was also still actively trying to re-explain this game a second time, all while my body wanted to run away, hide in a corner, and cry. It was the most real and traumatizing thing I'd felt or experienced since the divorce. In those moments, it felt like he was right there saying these things to me in real time. And I'm simultaneously in process of re-explaining the game a second time, also in real time. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone who's yelling in your ear and continue a conversation as if nothing is wrong? Just imagine that. That's essentially what I was doing. I just prayed the group would understand it the second time through, and luckily, they did. We played the game, had a good time, and everything was totally fine after that.
So why do I tell you about this? To give you hope that you too can work through a trigger in real time. Do not let it debilitate you. It took so much strength to push through that. I had to dig deeper than I knew was possible. My mind was working overtime, trying to process an active trigger, trying to have a conversation with 'Trauma Brain' telling it that we'll be okay, resisting the urge to run off in tears, continuing the explanation of the game, and more. It. was. exhausting. But I did it. I succeeded. I processed it, I came out on the other end, and I didn't let it destroy my night. I proved to MYSELF that I can in fact explain games just fine. I proved to myself that I can overcome triggers. I proved to myself that I am capable and strong and can rise above my traumas.
Anyone who has been through trauma is likely going to have some triggers. As I've said before, it's not a matter of "if" but "when", and we need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for when these moments happen. While you can't prevent it from happening, you can prepare for it and decide how you'll manage it. And when you're experiencing it in the moment, don't just push it away or shove it down, because that won't help you overcome it. A wise person once told me that you must address the trigger and give it space in order to begin healing from it. Tell your 'Trauma Brain' something like "Yes, this is/was a scary thing, but you're safe now and it's going to be okay."
So, decide now how you will handle when triggers arise. Learn some breathing techniques to keep you calm in the moment, prepare to give the trigger and those feelings space but not enough to consume you, and remind yourself that it's in the past and that you're going to be okay. It IS in the past, and you WILL be okay. You won't magically transform overnight, but you will be okay. You're a survivor. Keep moving forward, keep learning and growing, keep progressing. You will overcome your traumas. You are stronger than you know. 💪
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