In many disagreements or arguments, both parties are at fault to some degree. Perhaps Person A escalated and Person B matched the escalation. Or maybe the day prior, Person B said something hurtful to Person A and it went undiscussed and then festered, so then Person A later blew up at Person B. Regardless of the situation, it's almost always a two-way street; and in general, both parties have contributed to some degree, need to own that, accept responsibility for it, apologize, and move forward. This is how a healthy relationship works. But sometimes, it really is one-sided. And for someone who has been in an abusive relationship, that line becomes extremely blurred.
Let's say you broke something of someone else's. You are the only one at fault, accident or not. The other person is not to blame. And let's say you don't approach the person first but instead try to hide it, and then the person finds their beloved item broken and they ask you about it and you lie to cover it up... the other person is still not to blame. Then let's say that person discovers proof that you did in fact break it and also lied about it, and is understandably upset. So they confront you in a calm manner, but tears are shed because of how hurt they are by your actions. The other person is still not to blame. So now that you're caught in the act, you have no choice but to apologize, so you do. This is one of those instances where the other person does not owe you an apology for anything. They are not at fault for what you did.
Blame in An Abusive Relationship
The first time I experienced this, I was caught so off-guard. I discovered something pretty significant that my ex tried to hide from me and something he subsequently lied to me about, and I confronted him about it. I was hurt, confused, and just wanted the truth. I never raised my voice, I never called him names of any kind. Once there was no other way around it, he apologized. I said "thank you", and thought it was over. But he stood there, getting increasingly upset. I asked him what was wrong, and he asked, "don't you have anything to say?" Confused, I replied, "...no?"
Turns out, he was waiting for me to apologize. Now, I feel that I am pretty good at owning when I've done something wrong, apologizing, and making amends for it, but I legitimately had no idea what he was waiting for me to apologize for. But if there was something I did, I wanted to know so that I could make amends. So I followed up with, "I'm not sure what you're talking about - for what?" This turned into a lecture about how I can never accept responsibility for my part in things and refuse to apologize for anything, but he never actually told me what he was waiting for me to apologize for. He quite often used this tactic of not giving me a clear answer, all while causing me to feel horrible about myself for being so 'dense'. If I asked for clarification or what he specifically was referring to so I could know what to apologize for, improve, be more self-aware and accept responsibility for things, he would respond cryptically with something like "the fact that you don't even know makes it all the worse. It's not even worth it if I have to spell it out for you." He'd leave me feeling more confused and hurt than before, because I would legitimately have no idea what he felt I needed to apologize for... but he also wouldn't tell me, so there was no way for me to 'get better', if there really was something I needed to improve on.
One example of how this might happen in an abusive relationship: Say you suspect your partner of doing something wrong or dishonest. You confront him about it and he denies it and assures you that you have nothing to worry about. You want desperately to trust him, so you believe him and let it go. But then as you're doing laundry, you make sure all the pockets have been emptied before putting them into the washing machine and as you do, you find evidence in one of his pockets of the very thing you were worried about. You have physical proof. So you confront him about it, but it turns into you not respecting his privacy and going through his things without permission, and how horrible that was of you to do such a thing. I promise you, YOU are not to blame. You were doing his laundry for him and you weren't doing anything wrong. He is diverting attention away from the deceitful thing he did and trying to shift blame onto you to distract from what he did. Regardless of the scenario of how you discovered evidence, he will do everything he can to convince you that you were the one at fault and that you are the one who needs to apologize. He will completely deflect the initial subject of confrontation and turn it around to make you feel like you did something horrible that you need to apologize for. And the scary part is that you probably will end up believing it and apologizing... over and over again. I certainly did.
Another example is around emotions. It is really common for the abuser to blame the victim's emotions for how he reacted or treated her. She shouldn't have been upset, it wasn't that big of a deal, she shouldn't have confronted him as soon as he got home, she overreacted, she read too much into it, she didn't handle it right, she approached it poorly, her timing was bad, she got too emotional, she shouldn't have ___, and the list goes on. I can't even count the number of times blame was shifted onto me for feeling, for crying, for being hurt or confused or upset. But my emotions did not cause him to do the things he did, and my emotions also were not an excuse for him to divert attention away from his poor behavior. Your emotions are not to blame.
You are allowed to feel. Your partner should never blame you for feeling. You should be allowed to cry if you are hurt. You should be allowed to confront your partner if you've discovered something unsettling. Now, you are still responsible for how you react. This doesn't give you permission to call him names, yell, throw things, etc. But he should never blame you for his actions. If he cheated, it's not your fault. If he hit you, it's not your fault. Ever. You are not to blame. You should never be made to feel that you need to apologize for actions that led to his cheating, dishonesty, abuse, etc.
I accepted responsibility for so much. I apologized for so many things that looking back, were not my fault at all. But, he conditioned me to accept fault as a default response. And as the relationship was ending, I was still trying to accept responsibility for a lot. I remember telling a friend how I recognize that it's a two-way street and that I want to accept my part in this and that I want to know how I contributed so I can improve moving forward, and she interrupted and said "but you were under duress. And no one is their best self under duress." That stuck with me so much. I've thought about it often. I also didn't know and hadn't yet accepted that I was in an abusive relationship, because I was still under a heavy fog. But I want to stress that if you are under duress every day in your toxic relationship, you are not going to be your best self in any scenario with your partner, because you are simply trying to survive.
I'm honestly still struggling to separate the two. I'm not a perfect person. I make mistakes just like everyone else. And if I'm aware of something I've said or done that hurt someone, I immediately do what I can to make amends and make sure it doesn't happen again. If someone approaches me about something I've said or done, I am more than willing to admit fault and make it right. But being in an abusive relationship blurs those lines so much. I don't want to ever again accept responsibility for something that isn't actually my fault. But I also don't want to swing that pendulum too far the other way, either. And this is how it can become so confusing for an abuse survivor. Are there things I did wrong in the marriage? Absolutely. I'm human. But trying to sift through what things I actually did wrong vs what things were a result of gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, and tactics that were used to make me believe I was at fault when I wasn't... that's going to take a while to sort through.
Ultimately, the most critical thing I want to convey here is that not all arguments have parties equally at fault. Not all arguments require an apology from both parties. Is it more common for both parties to need to apologize? Absolutely. Is it the gold standard? No. Sometimes one person hurts another person, simple as that.
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