Something that I have been struggling to dissect in my head lately is how much being in an abusive relationship warps your mind. My ex never said 'you made me do it' or 'it's your fault' or anything so direct, so I didn't even know that what was happening to me was abuse. But I realized very recently that it was the unspoken things, the actions that messed with me more than anything.
When words and actions don't align, that is a form of abuse.
Something would happen that he had blamed me for in the past, so I would automatically blame myself for it because I had already been conditioned that way. He would then tell me "it's not your fault, I'm not mad" and with his words he'd be sweet about it, yet he would treat me differently afterward, and days, weeks, or months later, he'd explode and blame it all on me again. Rinse and repeat, with all sorts of things, for our entire marriage. Do you know how confusing that is to constantly be going through this cycle? This will mess with your mind so much. With his words he'd tell me it's okay, he's not mad, but with his actions, he'd punish me. And it was so subtle I never noticed, I never caught it, and I never understood it.
My divorce was over a year ago and I am just now coming to this realization and understanding of why it was so hard for me to see the abuse, and why it is still hard to dissect and unpack it all more than a year later.
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On top of this, I want to address indirect words, and actions associated with those words. My ex never called me names, never hit me, and never directly used the aforementioned phrases, and this was another reason I had a very difficult time understanding that what was happening to me was abuse. (Especially because when not in arguments, he'd use words and phrases such as "gorgeous", "beautiful", "you're the best", "you're amazing", "what would I do without you?" etc. Abusers don't use those words, right? Wrong. It's just another part of how they mess with your head)
I would find out about something bad that he did, would be upset, and he would say that he didn't tell me because "I don't handle things well" and that he was "trying to protect me" because he "knows how upset I get". But I'm pretty sure that anyone who discovers nefarious actions of a spouse would be upset, and has a right to be upset. Yet he made me feel like it was just me who would get upset at what I had just discovered. I was "too fragile" for him to be straight with me and so somehow, it was my fault that he didn't tell me things.
Over time, he conditioned me to become a stone wall. He would do awful things, I'd find out about said awful things, and I wasn't allowed to react at ALL. If I so much as shed one single tear, he would flip his lid, blame me, tell me I am "so emotional", that "this is why" he never talks to me about things because I am "so dramatic" and "blow things wildly out of proportion", etc. Sometimes he'd straight up walk out the door and not come back for hours, sometimes he'd throw things or rip things up, or punch things.
He may have never directly said the words "it is your fault" or "you made me do it", but by his indirect words and very direct actions, that is precisely what he was saying. "I had to [do the bad thing] because YOU..." "I didn't tell you because YOU..." "I did/said that because YOU..." He didn't tell me about things because YOU "don't handle things well", "are so dramatic", "overreact to everything", "always think the worst possible thing about me", "are so anxious about everything", "don't understand". I could go on, but these are all ways he indirectly said, "you made me do it." And all these things were typically said to me in a stage of rage.
If you love someone, you don't act this way, you don't talk to them this way. You don't treat them this way. You don't blame them for all of your bad deeds, all of your shortcomings, all of your mistakes... you don't lose your cool, hit things, throw things, walk out... And this is where the words and actions concept messed with my head so much, because he never directly called me names. He never directly blamed me (ex: "this is your fault"). But with the way he treated me, that was exactly what he was doing. He used indirect words. He used indirect actions (he didn't hit ME, he hit things). The way he exploded if I literally shed a single tear... that's manipulation. That's abuse. Those are actions that do not align with words. I was afraid to CRY because of his actions that would follow.
But he had ME convinced that *I* had a problem and that *I* was overly emotional and needed to work on myself, not the other way around. He was hurting me every single day for years, and I had to learn how to become a shell to avoid his wrath... to prove to him that I am *not* "overly emotional". I turned into a robot out of self-preservation because his words and actions were so misaligned, I didn't know what was real anymore. He had me in a state of constant confusion and underlying fear our entire marriage.
And the crazy thing is that I had no idea that this was abuse, because he had none of the telltale signs of it. Something I read recently said, "I didn’t even utter the word ABUSE until months of therapy later. I didn’t fully grasp the damage or the danger." In many ways, I was the same. While I was married, the word abuse never even crossed my mind because he didn't hit me, he didn't call me names, he didn't berate me directly, and in public he was the doting husband and the entire world loved him and told me all the time some version of how 'lucky' I was and what a wonderful man he was.
But when we got home... well, that was a different story. Somehow everything was my fault, and he had me convinced that all the problems were ME... that xyz wouldn't have happened if I hadn't said or done abc. I was too emotional, too picky, expected too much, too sensitive, not sensitive at all (yes both, depending on how it suited him that day), not understanding, not patient, not supportive, not sympathetic, unwilling to help (him fuel his addictions), and so on.
I had NO idea that I was in such a state of constant fight or flight because of him. I was anxious and stressed all the time. The slightest hiccup in something and I'd panic. But with life after him, I am NOT like that at all anymore. That constant state of anxiety was the constant fear of how he was going to react to something, and how much an event was going to be blamed on me. I am so calm and stress-free now. My car wouldn't start the other morning and if I didn't get it started, I was going to be late for a work meeting and the new me just thought "well that's a bummer, but they'll understand." There was absolutely ZERO stress. But when I was married to him, if that had that happened, my stomach would have been in knots because somehow the car not starting would have been my fault and I would have paid for it emotionally.
Don't Excuse Things Away
In a healthy relationship, words and actions will align. If he says something, he follows through. If he says "I love you", there are actions he does that show you he loves you. If he says "don't worry about that, I've got it", he takes care of it and doesn't come back to somehow blame you later for why he didn't do it.
I have been able to use this in other settings and it is so empowering to be able to both recognize and say "your words and actions aren't aligning and that's not acceptable". If you are seeing words and actions not aligning in any relationship (romantic or platonic), you absolutely have the right to call it out and require more from that person if they want to remain in your life. If the person admits to it, you're already way ahead of someone who deflects and denies; but still, real change needs to be seen. If it is simply admittance but no actual change, that doesn't count. Their ACTIONS need to improve, not just their words.
If you find yourself in a relationship where words and actions aren't aligning, be very careful. You are likely in some form of an abusive relationship and you do NOT deserve to be treated that way. A kind and honest person who truly cares about your well-being will say what he does, and does what he says, and will never EVER blame or shame you.
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