Chapter 7: Triggers

I know this is such an overused word, but I want to address the real meaning of the word "trigger". A good definition I found is this:

A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma. This reminder can cause a person to feel overwhelming sadness, anxiety, or panic. It may also cause someone to have flashbacks. A flashback is a vivid, often negative memory that may appear without warning.

I had a very real and unexpected trigger recently, while watching a movie with some friends. It was a movie I had seen a dozen times, but not since certain events happened. As I was watching it, there is one scene where the male lead yells something at the female lead and is very strong in his body language as well. It instantly took me to a very specific event in my marriage where my ex was almost identical to this actor in this scene in volume, tone, and body language. Even the first 4 words said were identical to what my ex had shouted to me. It made me catch my breath, my heart started pounding, I tensed up, almost teared up, and I completely checked out of the movie for about 30 seconds... because in an instant, I had gone back to that exact moment and relived when my ex yelled something at me, with strong and forceful hand movements in my direction as well. It was also one of the times I was actually worried he might lay a hand on me or grab me if tried to walk away. It was almost an out of body experience for those 30 seconds. Once I 'came back', I had to bring myself back to reality and mentally assure myself that that wasn't happening again, that I was safe, that it was in the past, and that he can't hurt me anymore. It was really scary, honestly. That was the strongest trigger I had had since the separation and subsequent divorce.

It made me angry that something so trivial could have triggered me that way. But it was also a good reminder that you don't get to choose when, where, or how these things surface. It hits you in an instant, with sometimes the most random of things that set you off. But you have to learn how to manage it, because triggers will always be there, to some degree. I actually purposefully watched this movie again soon after with someone else, and was mentally preparing myself for this scene that triggered me before. I braced myself, and... it didn't affect me that time. So, that's progress. 

What I wanted to emphasize with this is to expect triggers, and be prepared for them. What will you do when it happens? How will you handle it? Because it's not a matter of if, but when. It doesn't make you weak to have triggers. It makes you human. What matters is what you do with it and how you handle it. Just remember that for the next time. 

Chapter 6: Learning to Trust

As you can probably imagine, after being in an abusive marriage, I have trust issues. With so many scenarios, I find myself thinking "what's the catch?", "what's in it for him?" or I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had to play detective for so long, I immediately distrust. My therapist encouraged me to build relationships that give me the opportunity to build trust. I have been trying to do that, but it's new and different and absolutely terrifying. So once again, I wrote my feelings out in poem-form. 

Learning to Trust

When trauma has triumphed for decades or more

It makes things so hard to have your faith restored

With every small action, each kindness displayed

The default response is to try and dissuade

For kindness can’t come without something in return

There’s always a catch, it’s so hard to discern

It just feels so foreign to trust someone is kind

When for so many years, good and bad were entwined

The Jekyll and Hyde that emerged without warning

Forced a mental blockade to protect from the storming

But not all folks are like that, there is goodness out there

There are people who’ll love you, who’ll genuinely care

But how does one rewire a brain so distorted,

When everything inside tries so hard to thwart it?

Survival instincts can be deeply ingrained

And even with effort, many triggers remain

It takes so much work to allow someone in

To let someone near you and let trusting begin

There’s risk in so doing, and the fear can be strong

Each inch of your being may scream “This is wrong!”

But one thing to remember is to trust in yourself

You know what to look for, how to protect your own health

You know all the pitfalls, the red flags and signs

Look closely and don’t you ignore what you find

As long as you do this, you’ll be safe and sound

It’s time to start trusting, it’s okay, it’s allowed

Let others show you what kindness can be And then all of the hurt you can finally set free

Chapter 5: What to Do If You See Signs of Abuse

This is something I have become very passionate about in the past year. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me after they heard I filed for divorce, some variation of "oh I'm so glad. I never liked him", "I noticed he didn't treat you very well","I always had an icky feeling whenever I was around him", "His behavior concerned me", etc. Yet not a single person ever pulled me aside to say anything. On the one hand, it absolutely infuriated me when everyone else breathed a sigh of relief for me, but never said anything to me. On the other hand, I get it. You tell yourself you're reading too much into it. You feel that it's not your place. You don't want to be the cause for someone's divorce. 

But let's take that a step further. What if you sense or suspect that something is off, but choose to ignore it... and then one day what if the abuser just snaps and kills his wife? How much will you wish then, that you had said something? I was fortunate to not be in a fear-for-my-life situation, but odds are, you are probably only 1 or 2 degrees away from someone who has been or is in a fear-for-their-life situation. What if you are their only lifeline? 

I came across this video the other day that really stuck out to me. 

It is SO easy to look the other way. It's so easy to explain it away in your head, or to say it's none of your business and walk away. But also at the same time, isn't it worth 5 minutes of your time to make sure someone else is okay? Better to at least ask and be sure (and read the body language of the potential abused partner to make sure she's not just saying she's fine because she's scared of him). I'd rather bring it up/confront someone and be wrong than wonder for the rest of forever if I could have prevented something even worse from happening later. 

Call Out Signs of Abuse

As difficult and uncomfortable as it is, please say something. If it's someone you know, take your friend to lunch where it's just the two of you. Be their friend. Bring it up subtly though, because if you come on too strong, they may cut you out entirely. 

Even more so, if a friend actually confides in you about troubles in her marriage and you see red flags, you owe it to her to point those out. Now, you shouldn't immediately say "red flag, get out now", but rather, "This concerns me. This is a red flag to me because ____. That's not normal behavior. I'm worried about you." Odds are, if your friend is in an abusive relationship, she likely has no idea and may even be in denial about it. And if you try to force it all at once, you'll likely scare her and she might push you away and then you won't be able to help at all. 

Admitting you're in an abusive relationship can take time. You don't want to accept that this is where life has taken you. You don't want to believe that the man you thought you loved is actually harming you every day. Whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, it doesn't matter. It's extremely hard to accept, especially when you've been making excuses for your spouse for years and don't see it as abuse. As stated, I had multiple friends tell me "I noticed/saw/witnessed ___ but didn't want to rock the boat so I never said anything." Please say something. Even if it's as simple as "Hey, are you okay? What he just said to you is not okay. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk." 

I had no one in my corner. Not a single person in my life pointed out any red flags to me. Everyone concluded it "wasn't their place" and just ignored what they saw. Yet after the fact, now that it's "safe" to talk about, I have had multiple people tell me things they witnessed but never spoke up about. I get that you don't want to run in and ruin a marriage, and you don't have to go in guns-a-blazing... but I'm telling you, even just a simple "I'm here for you" can go a long way, especially if that friend already feels like she's on an island, or even worse, if she feels that no one would believe her because her spouse is so charming in public. Pointing out that you noticed something not okay can help validate her and help her realize that she's not going crazy and that he really is treating her poorly. Also, keep in mind... if you noticed something off in your friend's spouse in a public setting, multiply that by 10 for what goes on behind closed doors. What you witnessed might seem like something small, but that's that person's best behavior. And if it was enough to give you pause, just remember that it is likely far worse at home. 

Have you ever heard of the Bystander Effect? It's essentially where everyone assumes someone else will provide the help someone needs, therefore they all collectively ignore what they witness, and everyone moves on with their life while they ignore someone else's abuse/attack/etc. Don't be a bystander in someone else's life. If something feels off, if you witness something unacceptable, please do not just brush it off. Say something. 5 minutes of you feeling uncomfortable may save someone from 50 years of hell. 

Please bring it up, even if it's quietly and/or in passing. You may be the only lifeline your friend or acquaintance gets. 

Chapter 4: Divorce Can Be Good

For thousands of years, divorce has been a taboo subject that is looked down upon and often brings great shame to a family or individual. This needs to stop. Society as a whole tends to look down on divorce, and it's even worse inside religious communities and cultures. I was raised with the mindset of "you get married, you make it work. Divorce isn't an option." This of course was a combination of society, religion, family, etc. But by the time I got married, that was 100% my mindset. And when I commit to something, I COMMIT. So when things were almost immediately bad, I just told myself that I have to make this work. I made a commitment to myself, to my husband, and to God that I was in this for the long haul. 

Divorce never even once crossed my mind as a potential option for the first several years. Yet within the first 6 months, I fell into a deep depression so bad that I essentially lost my will to live. I got put on medication and started seeing a therapist and learned to at least manage life, but I was immediately a different person after I got married because of the way I was being treated. It wasn't until I made the decision to end the marriage over a decade later that I realized that that deep depression was quite certainly caused by an unhealthy marriage that I felt trapped in almost immediately. I even found a journal entry from 6 months in that was heartbreaking to read because I had no idea I was that level of miserable from the start. But yet I stayed. Why? Because "divorce isn't an option". 

Divorce is Sometimes the Best Option

We need to remove this stigma of "you get married, you make it work." Yes of course marriage is hard and it takes work and if you have 2 healthy, willing, and invested parties you absolutely can and should make it work. But if one or both of the parties is abusive or even just plain not willing, this mindset of "make it work" should not be pushed because in scenarios such as those, it will never work. 

My advice to anyone reading this is that if you have a friend or family member who confides in you that they are considering divorce, please do not just automatically push to save the marriage. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors. You could be dooming your friend to a lifetime of misery or even potential suicide by encouraging him/her to stay simply because "you're supposed to". Staying together because "you're supposed to" is not good enough. I firmly believe God does not want you to live out your life in misery just because the partner you chose turned out to be a completely different person than who you thought he/she was. That is not on you. That's on your spouse for lying and getting you to believe they are someone they are not. And because they turned out to be a completely different person than the one you committed to, that changes the playing field, and it changes those commitments. 

The hardest part that I couldn't get past for years is that commitment factor. I made a commitment, or a covenant, and I took that very seriously. For years I felt that if I were the one to file for divorce, I would be breaking that covenant. It wasn't until a dear friend of mine sat me down and told me that filing for divorce is not breaking that covenant. My spouse had already not upheld his own covenants due to his poor choices, and had gone down a different path than the one we were on when we first were married. I owed him nothing. In fact, I owed it to myself and my mental health and sanity to leave. I didn't deserve to be treated this way, and neither do you. 

Divorce Can Be Best for Kids

Recently, my therapist and I were talking about scenarios where divorce is the better option, and s/he rated each one on a scale that studies have shown to be best to worst, especially with regard to children.

1. A good marriage
2. A good divorce
3. A bad marriage
4. A bad divorce

Look at that order very closely. A good divorce ranks higher than a bad marriage. If all your kids hear and witness every day is their parents bickering, yelling, fighting, crying, calling each other names, degrading each other, etc., this is not healthy. Yet so many people stay together "for the kids". Over the years, I have even heard friends and family say "I wish my parents had just gotten divorced." Let's think about that for a minute. If your own children are wishing for a divorce, there is nothing healthy about staying together "for the kids". Regardless of what society or culture or religion or anyone else tells you, this is not a good enough reason to stay together. 

In many ways, you are actually putting your children more at risk of entering an unhealthy marriage of their own, because they grow up only knowing a bad marriage, and it makes them far more susceptible to marrying an incompatible person and repeating the cycle. This is especially dangerous if you are in any form of an abusive relationship. Your daughter is extremely likely to follow in your footsteps and marry a man just like her abusive father, and your son is far more likely to become an abuser if he grows up witnessing what has become "acceptable" and normal treatment of you. 

Don't allow that treatment to become normalized. Show your children you are worth more. Show your children you are strong and can do hard things, that no one should ever put up with being treated that way, and that it's okay to leave a bad situation. Get divorced for your kids. Demonstrate the courage and strength it sometimes takes to advocate for yourself. 

It's Your Choice

I want to be clear: I am not saying everyone should get a divorce. In fact, I do want you to work hard on your marriage and do everything you can to make it work, but ONLY IF your spouse is just as all-in as you and ONLY IF your spouse is not an abuser. Honestly, even if your spouse has done harmful things to you in the past, if he's open and honest about it, actively seeking therapy and treatment, and you (and others) are noticing a genuine heartfelt and lasting change, then by all means, give it a shot. 

However... also be aware that in situations where you are giving an abuser a 2nd (or 3rd, 4th, 5th) chance, you are walking an extremely fine line between wishing for change and witnessing change. You need to be very real with yourself on where things really are. If you keep trying over and over or keep forgiving over and over simply because you wish he would change or you hope that it will be different this time, you're only setting yourself up for further disappointment and abuse. Unfortunately, it's very rare for an abuser to ever change. Don't get caught up in those wishes and find yourself 20 years later still stuck in a miserable abusive relationship because you didn't want to admit the truth.

Ultimately, it is your choice. It is not his choice, it's not your mother or father's choice, it's not your friend's choice, or your ecclesiastical leader's choice. 

Choosing to stay or go is your choice and your choice alone. If you choose to stay, you need to set very clear boundaries, stick to them, and have consequences clearly defined that you are willing to carry out should those boundaries be crossed. If you choose divorce, you need to be prepared. Gather your support system, and lean on them heavily, because it will not be an easy road. But if you do choose the divorce path, I promise you it gets better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and life does get better. 

And as always, if you feel alone and have no one to talk to, please email me and I would be more than happy to talk. I was on an island for years and I don't ever want anyone to feel that way. ❤️

Chapter 3: Hidden Abuse - A Poem

Sometimes I find it very therapeutic to write about things in poem form. Yesterday I wrote one that details several aspects of what I went through and I wanted to share it here.

Hidden Abuse

I was stuck in a room with no exit in sight, surrounded only by walls

Placed on an island of full isolation, with no one to hear my calls

Trapped and alone, I was all by myself, merely a shell of who I once was

No one around to witness the horror, to see all the things that he does

“I never said that”, “You’re remembering wrong”, things he constantly drilled into my head

Each argument we had, every time this occurred, I’d sink deeper into my bed

In a world of confusion that I couldn’t grasp, my reality quietly slipped away

Consistently told that the problem is me, and there was nothing that I could say

He silenced my voice, I put on a fake smile, and pretended that nothing was wrong

I bottled it up, emotions were gone, and outwardly I appeared strong

But behind the closed doors, when no one else was around, I crumbled to pieces each night

I was falling apart and had no one to trust, how much longer could I handle this fight?

The gaslighting was rampant, it changed who I was, no opinions or feelings allowed

His way or the highway, that’s all I could choose, ‘cause his ego was overly proud

He accused me of horrible terrible things that I knew for a fact were not true

But he was insistent that his words were right, when it was his own reality skewed

We danced in these circles again and again, each ‘discussion’ far worse than the last

It turned into lectures he’d never let end, and I’d end up just feeling harassed

I wanted to scream, run away, disappear, but his pow’r was unspeakably strong

These perpetual nights and unending fights only ended when I said I was ‘wrong’

I could only escape if I let him be right, and conformed to each one of his views

I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or thoughts, yet it was me that he’d always accuse

He’d call me demanding, impossible, critical, if I ever expressed any concern

Then he’d tell me again why my feelings were wrong, and to the circle dance we would return

Aside from the dominance, gaslighting too, his spending was out of control

When confronted he lied, had excuses galore, it was eating away at my soul

His addiction was real, so much money was lost, and the pain of it started to spread

Every morning I checked, did the math on what’s gone, my head spinning and filling with dread

And the lies, oh the lies, that he told every day, no matter the person or place

Even when I had a mountain of proof, he still constantly lied to my face

He’d blame things on anything other than him, to get out of the mess that he made

Sometimes he even told lies about me, and it just left me feeling betrayed

Then there’s the times when he punched holes in walls, and he shattered some things with his fist

Since he didn’t punch ME, I thought nothing was wrong, and these actions I simply dismissed

I wish I had known that these outbursts weren’t normal, I’d have filed a report right away

And then when things ended, when I finally got out, there’d be records of each of those days

But since I did nothing, and turned a blind eye, I had nothing to prove these events

He continued his story of lies and deceit, blaming me for each horrid offense

He told all of our friends, all his family and more, about “crazy” supposedly me

Yet each of the lies he was claiming as truth, I had proof that would set the truth free

I was sick of this feeling in the pit of my stomach, always worrying “what will be next?”

Losing a piece of my soul every day, and beginning to feel the effects

So I found the courage to end it for good, I decided that I was worth more 

I found my supports and protected myself, then I told him to walk out the door

So much more of this story I’ve not even included, there are other dark sinister things

Abuse is so hard for the victim to prove, and there’s trauma and fear that it brings

So next time you think you know who someone is, just remember this one simple theme

The person you’re seeing may not be the truth, because sometimes it’s not what it seems

Chapter 2: Abusers Isolate You

This was drilled into me hard almost from Day 1 after we got married. Shortly after we got married, we got into an argument about something that wasn't even that big of a deal, and I happened to talk to my mother about it a day or two later. It wasn't even in a "can you believe he did this" type of way; I was just telling her events of the day, what we fought about and why, and moved on. I didn't think much of it, and I made the mistake of mentioning this conversation to my ex. He was so upset. Unexplainably so. It took me so off guard, I didn't even know how to react. He then proceeded to very forcefully tell me that it was highly inappropriate to ever speak ill of one's spouse to anyone... ever. Under any circumstances. He emphasized that he has never nor will ever speak ill of me to anyone (this turned out to be a lie) and that he expects the same respect from me. I honestly don't remember more than that. I just remember the horrible sinking feeling he left me with that day, and the fact that he scared me in that moment. It was one of the first times he showed his true colors, and I was just left speechless, and frankly, so confused. But I was a young, newly married wife who wanted to please her husband and who didn't realize how not normal that outburst or demand was, so I complied. I never spoke about him in a negative light to my mom again until the week before I filed for divorce. 

This was the first step in my isolation, and it only got worse. For over a decade, I was on an island. I was being destroyed from the inside out, but felt there was literally no one on the planet I could go to for help, because "you don't do that". You don't speak negatively about your spouse, no matter what. That stuff stays private and you work it out behind closed doors. You don't air your dirty laundry, no one needs to know, right? WRONG. You deserve to have someone to confide in. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to have help. 

By year 7 or 8, after seeing some therapists on and off over the years, I had enough happen in my life (not even related to my ex) that I started seeing a therapist every week. Therapy started around the other things I originally began therapy for. My ex had ingrained so much the "you don't talk about this to anyone" mentality, that I was initially hesitant to even discuss things about him in therapy, for fear of his 'wrath'. But I was about to explode. I had been holding so much in for so long, I needed to talk to someone about it. So my sessions soon became almost entirely about him. After a few weeks of this, I don't remember how but my ex found out he had been the topic of conversation in therapy and got really upset. He left me feeling like I had done something horribly wrong or betrayed him by talking about him... in therapy... where these things should be talked about. And he was so uneasy about me talking with my therapist and made such a big deal about it that I had to start sneaking therapy. It was safer emotionally to just pretend like I wasn't going than him asking me every time if we'd talked about him or what we'd talked about, or why we'd talked about it. I didn't want the barrage of questions on days he knew I had therapy, so I went during work hours so he wouldn't know. 

My therapist validated me that I absolutely 100% needed someone to talk to, outside of therapy. S/he recommended and almost ordered that I find a confidant I can talk with on rough days, or when a fight goes south and I don't know what to do, etc. A few months later, I remember exactly where I was when this conversation came up with my ex, when I finally advocated for myself. I told him what my therapist had said and that s/he told me that my mental health needed someone to talk to and confide in. I had to beg him, and give him every reason and example my therapist said it was necessary. He finally - and very begrudgingly - "gave his permission" for me to have a confidant. But he also didn't want to hear about it, and didn't want it to be anyone he knew. 

The crazy thing though, is that even after that, I only utilized this a mere 2 times over the next several years. Why? Because he still had me feeling so guilty about ever bringing anything up with anyone. I still felt like it was wrong to reach out to anyone, that I was somehow betraying him or doing something nefarious. I still felt like I had to do this on my own. I had to suffer on my own. I had to survive on my own. 

Let me make one thing clear: You do not have to suffer alone. In fact, you SHOULDN'T suffer alone. You need a support system. You need someone you can talk to when things are really bad and you don't know what to do and you're at your wits end and you feel like your world is caving in on you. If I had even one confidant that I had spoken to regularly, it is extremely likely I would have escaped much sooner than I did. But I allowed my ex to isolate me and put me on an island to fend for myself. He put me exactly where he wanted me, where he could control me, where he could dictate exactly what was and was not acceptable in his book and force my compliance. And he could do that because he had already silenced me within the first few months of our marriage. 

Abusers want to silence you and isolate you because they are terrified of being found out. Their public persona is usually very charming, friendly, magnanimous, etc. It is actually extremely common for an abuser to be so much of a different person in public that if anyone hears about something he did to you, others tend to disbelieve it because it sounds so out of character from the person they think they know. That makes it even more difficult to find a confidant, because anyone who knows your abuser will likely have a difficult time believing anything you say about him, which only furthers the isolation. 

Your Abuser Will Become a "Victim"

The second part of that quote says "and if you do, I will become a victim and accuse you of harassment." I knew my ex well enough that before I filed for divorce, I had to mentally and emotionally prepare for this exact thing. I had already seen him do it with others, I had heard him tell others "I don't know what happened" and I'd watched him put on a masterful performance that painted himself as the victim in other scenarios. I had to be prepared to lose virtually all of my friends (yet another form of isolation - we only ever hung out with his friends that he found or that we found together. Almost never ones that I found). That was one of the hardest parts, knowing I might lose almost everyone in my life because of how convincing his lies and performances are. But I had become passively suicidal and anything was better than the life I was living. 

Do you want to know one of the first things he asked the day I told him I filed? It wasn't about the marriage, or me, or him. He simply asked through gritted teeth, "Who else knows about it?" All he cared about was protecting his image, and he wanted to get to everyone before I did so he could control the narrative and paint himself as the victim. I had told virtually no one other than 2 trusted friends, and continued to keep it to that circle. But sadly, just like I predicted, the above is exactly what happened. The day after I broke the news to him, he had already told several mutual friends. I know this, because one reached out to me that first day, another the next day, etc. This continued over the next several weeks. As others reached out, I discovered that he was discussing intimate details of our divorce both 1-on-1 and sometimes even in group settings. And he was painting himself as the victim by weaving a web of lies that made me look like I was unhinged. Additionally, he was so worried about protecting his image, he made sure to include as part of the divorce a clause that prevents either of us from speaking ill of the other, still trying to maintain control of me and continue to silence me forever so I couldn't expose him. This is why this blog must remain anonymous. 

You Don't Deserve This

I will tell you right now, it was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT worth it. Even though horrible things are actively being said about me (and even more unfortunate, some are believing it), I don't care. I cannot describe the weight that has been lifted and the freedom I feel in finally escaping his rule. It's still a tough road and one I wish I didn't have to be on at all, but I promise you that it is better on the other side and worth every effort to get there. 

I know it's so hard, but don't let fear stop you from escaping. If you're in that boat of feeling completely isolated and feeling like you have no one you can turn to or trust, please visit https://www.thehotline.org/ or call (800) 799-SAFE (7233). 

Remember, domestic violence encompasses ALL forms of abuse. 

He does not have to hit you for it to count. 

You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be happy and free. 

Chapter 1: Abuse is Abuse

The purpose of this blog is to help others recognize when they are in an abusive relationship. I was in one for over 10 years and honestly had no idea. I thought it was just part of marriage. I thought it was normal, and so often I thought I was the problem, because that's what I had been conditioned to believe. But the longer I am away from my ex, the more I am learning just how much I was actually abused, and the angrier I am that ALL forms of abuse are not openly talked about. (As a disclaimer, I recognize the perpetrator of abuse can be male or female, but this blog will address the perpetrator as male and victim as female.)

To start, there are so many forms of abuse. Unfortunately, the only one that anyone really ever talks about is violent physical abuse. And even then, it's only visible violent abuse on the spouse that is addressed. If a woman walks in with a black eye or a bruised arm, that's when people take notice. But the far more subtle and sinister abuse is verbal, emotional, psychological, etc., and it happens far more often than you think. And because it is not talked about, so many women are suffering in silence because they think it's normal. I certainly did. 

But since it's the most commonly discussed one, the first one I will address is violent physical abuse. I feel like most women are under the impression that it's not domestic violence unless their spouse physically harms them. I learned far too late that that's not the case. Near the end of my marriage with my ex, something severe enough happened that resulted in me talking in person with a police officer, and as he was asking questions about the situation, I told him "he has never hit me. He has punched big holes in walls, shattered things, etc., but he hasn't been violent with me." The officer was then very concerned and asked if I had reported those cases. I was confused. Why would I have reported those cases?  That wasn't domestic violence, right? He didn't lay a hand on me, therefore it was okay, right? 

NO. That is not okay! He was being VIOLENT. I learned that night (far too late), that deliberate destruction of any property especially while in an argument with your spouse is domestic violence. Had I reported those, I would have had a better case as the marriage was ending. Unfortunately, I didn't even know I could have reported it... but honestly, I still probably wouldn't have, because I would have justified it in my head with "well, he was just angry. And he didn't hurt me so it's okay." But the problem ladies, is that it wasn't you that time. But if your husband/significant other has a propensity for violence, it's only a matter of time before he hits you instead of an inanimate object. I found this image recently that resonated with me regarding this:

Stop protecting him. The only person you are hurting by doing so is yourself (and your kids if you have them). Every time your spouse destroys property, call the police. Document it. Many abusers are also extremely charming and people on the outside find it hard to believe that your spouse has a dark side, so it may be the only thing you have on your side if/when you ever decide to finally escape. 

What is Domestic Violence?

As stated above, I always thought domestic violence was just physical abuse on a spouse. But I've been doing a lot of homework, and as it turns out, it encompasses much more than that. According to the Office of Justice Programs, this is the official definition: 

"Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone."

Is that surprising to you? Because it was extremely surprising to me. Even psychological, emotional, and economic actions are considered domestic VIOLENCE. Even behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, and hurt someone. Why is this not taught and discussed?? Domestic violence is ALL of this. 

Types of Abuse

I found a great succinct description of the most common forms of abuse (domestic violence) on FindLaw that I want to share:

• Physical abuse can include hitting, biting, slapping, battering, shoving, punching, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, etc. (any type of violent behavior inflicted on the victim). Physical abuse also includes denying someone medical treatment and forcing drug/alcohol use on someone.
• Sexual abuse occurs when the abuser coerces or attempts to coerce the victim into having sexual contact or sexual behavior without the victim's consent. This often takes the form of marital rape, attacking sexual body parts, physical violence that is followed by forcing sex, sexually demeaning the victim, or even telling sexual jokes at the victim's expense.
• Emotional abuse involves invalidating or deflating the victim's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. Emotional abuse often takes the form of constant criticism, name-calling, injuring the victim's relationship with his/her children, or interfering with the victim's abilities.
• Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim from going to school or work.
• Psychological abuse involves the abuser invoking fear through intimidation; threatening to physically hurt himself/herself, the victim, children, the victim's family or friends, or the pets; destruction of property; injuring the pets; isolating the victim from loved ones; and prohibiting the victim from going to school or work.
• Threats to hit, injure, or use a weapon are a form of psychological abuse.
• Stalking can include following the victim, spying, watching, harassing, showing up at the victim's home or work, sending gifts, collecting information, making phone calls, leaving written messages, or appearing at a person's home or workplace. These acts individually are typically legal, but any of these behaviors done continuously results in a stalking crime.
• Cyberstalking refers to online action or repeated emailing that inflicts substantial emotional distress in the recipient.

If you identify with any of these definitions or anything that has been stated in this post, please please reach out to a trusted friend or family member and get help. Or email me and I would be more than happy to talk with you. I was isolated for years and I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in this. Or go to https://www.thehotline.org/ or call 800.799.SAFE. There are so many resources available to help you. You are not alone.

Even if I help enlighten just one person and inspire them to take action and escape an abusive relationship, this blog will be worth it. I am writing this because I so desperately wish someone had told me that what I was going through was not normal but was in fact, abuse. Abuse is never okay and you do NOT deserve to be treated that way. It is not your fault, and it is nothing you did. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This. 

Have courage, escape, and take back your life.