Sometimes I find it very therapeutic to write about things in poem form. Yesterday I wrote one that details several aspects of what I went through and I wanted to share it here.
Hidden Abuse
I was stuck in a room with no exit in sight, surrounded only by walls
Placed on an island of full isolation, with no one to hear my calls
Trapped and alone, I was all by myself, merely a shell of who I once was
No one around to witness the horror, to see all the things that he does
“I never said that”, “You’re remembering wrong”, things he constantly drilled into my head
Each argument we had, every time this occurred, I’d sink deeper into my bed
In a world of confusion that I couldn’t grasp, my reality quietly slipped away
Consistently told that the problem is me, and there was nothing that I could say
He silenced my voice, I put on a fake smile, and pretended that nothing was wrong
I bottled it up, emotions were gone, and outwardly I appeared strong
But behind the closed doors, when no one else was around, I crumbled to pieces each night
I was falling apart and had no one to trust, how much longer could I handle this fight?
The gaslighting was rampant, it changed who I was, no opinions or feelings allowed
His way or the highway, that’s all I could choose, ‘cause his ego was overly proud
He accused me of horrible terrible things that I knew for a fact were not true
But he was insistent that his words were right, when it was his own reality skewed
We danced in these circles again and again, each ‘discussion’ far worse than the last
It turned into lectures he’d never let end, and I’d end up just feeling harassed
I wanted to scream, run away, disappear, but his pow’r was unspeakably strong
These perpetual nights and unending fights only ended when I said I was ‘wrong’
I could only escape if I let him be right, and conformed to each one of his views
I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or thoughts, yet it was me that he’d always accuse
He’d call me demanding, impossible, critical, if I ever expressed any concern
Then he’d tell me again why my feelings were wrong, and to the circle dance we would return
Aside from the dominance, gaslighting too, his spending was out of control
When confronted he lied, had excuses galore, it was eating away at my soul
His addiction was real, so much money was lost, and the pain of it started to spread
Every morning I checked, did the math on what’s gone, my head spinning and filling with dread
And the lies, oh the lies, that he told every day, no matter the person or place
Even when I had a mountain of proof, he still constantly lied to my face
He’d blame things on anything other than him, to get out of the mess that he made
Sometimes he even told lies about me, and it just left me feeling betrayed
Then there’s the times when he punched holes in walls, and he shattered some things with his fist
Since he didn’t punch ME, I thought nothing was wrong, and these actions I simply dismissed
I wish I had known that these outbursts weren’t normal, I’d have filed a report right away
And then when things ended, when I finally got out, there’d be records of each of those days
But since I did nothing, and turned a blind eye, I had nothing to prove these events
He continued his story of lies and deceit, blaming me for each horrid offense
He told all of our friends, all his family and more, about “crazy” supposedly me
Yet each of the lies he was claiming as truth, I had proof that would set the truth free
I was sick of this feeling in the pit of my stomach, always worrying “what will be next?”
Losing a piece of my soul every day, and beginning to feel the effects
So I found the courage to end it for good, I decided that I was worth more
I found my supports and protected myself, then I told him to walk out the door
So much more of this story I’ve not even included, there are other dark sinister things
Abuse is so hard for the victim to prove, and there’s trauma and fear that it brings
So next time you think you know who someone is, just remember this one simple theme
The person you’re seeing may not be the truth, because sometimes it’s not what it seems
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