Chapter 5: What to Do If You See Signs of Abuse

This is something I have become very passionate about in the past year. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me after they heard I filed for divorce, some variation of "oh I'm so glad. I never liked him", "I noticed he didn't treat you very well","I always had an icky feeling whenever I was around him", "His behavior concerned me", etc. Yet not a single person ever pulled me aside to say anything. On the one hand, it absolutely infuriated me when everyone else breathed a sigh of relief for me, but never said anything to me. On the other hand, I get it. You tell yourself you're reading too much into it. You feel that it's not your place. You don't want to be the cause for someone's divorce. 

But let's take that a step further. What if you sense or suspect that something is off, but choose to ignore it... and then one day what if the abuser just snaps and kills his wife? How much will you wish then, that you had said something? I was fortunate to not be in a fear-for-my-life situation, but odds are, you are probably only 1 or 2 degrees away from someone who has been or is in a fear-for-their-life situation. What if you are their only lifeline? 

I came across this video the other day that really stuck out to me. 

It is SO easy to look the other way. It's so easy to explain it away in your head, or to say it's none of your business and walk away. But also at the same time, isn't it worth 5 minutes of your time to make sure someone else is okay? Better to at least ask and be sure (and read the body language of the potential abused partner to make sure she's not just saying she's fine because she's scared of him). I'd rather bring it up/confront someone and be wrong than wonder for the rest of forever if I could have prevented something even worse from happening later. 

Call Out Signs of Abuse

As difficult and uncomfortable as it is, please say something. If it's someone you know, take your friend to lunch where it's just the two of you. Be their friend. Bring it up subtly though, because if you come on too strong, they may cut you out entirely. 

Even more so, if a friend actually confides in you about troubles in her marriage and you see red flags, you owe it to her to point those out. Now, you shouldn't immediately say "red flag, get out now", but rather, "This concerns me. This is a red flag to me because ____. That's not normal behavior. I'm worried about you." Odds are, if your friend is in an abusive relationship, she likely has no idea and may even be in denial about it. And if you try to force it all at once, you'll likely scare her and she might push you away and then you won't be able to help at all. 

Admitting you're in an abusive relationship can take time. You don't want to accept that this is where life has taken you. You don't want to believe that the man you thought you loved is actually harming you every day. Whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, it doesn't matter. It's extremely hard to accept, especially when you've been making excuses for your spouse for years and don't see it as abuse. As stated, I had multiple friends tell me "I noticed/saw/witnessed ___ but didn't want to rock the boat so I never said anything." Please say something. Even if it's as simple as "Hey, are you okay? What he just said to you is not okay. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk." 

I had no one in my corner. Not a single person in my life pointed out any red flags to me. Everyone concluded it "wasn't their place" and just ignored what they saw. Yet after the fact, now that it's "safe" to talk about, I have had multiple people tell me things they witnessed but never spoke up about. I get that you don't want to run in and ruin a marriage, and you don't have to go in guns-a-blazing... but I'm telling you, even just a simple "I'm here for you" can go a long way, especially if that friend already feels like she's on an island, or even worse, if she feels that no one would believe her because her spouse is so charming in public. Pointing out that you noticed something not okay can help validate her and help her realize that she's not going crazy and that he really is treating her poorly. Also, keep in mind... if you noticed something off in your friend's spouse in a public setting, multiply that by 10 for what goes on behind closed doors. What you witnessed might seem like something small, but that's that person's best behavior. And if it was enough to give you pause, just remember that it is likely far worse at home. 

Have you ever heard of the Bystander Effect? It's essentially where everyone assumes someone else will provide the help someone needs, therefore they all collectively ignore what they witness, and everyone moves on with their life while they ignore someone else's abuse/attack/etc. Don't be a bystander in someone else's life. If something feels off, if you witness something unacceptable, please do not just brush it off. Say something. 5 minutes of you feeling uncomfortable may save someone from 50 years of hell. 

Please bring it up, even if it's quietly and/or in passing. You may be the only lifeline your friend or acquaintance gets.