This was drilled into me hard almost from Day 1 after we got married. Shortly after we got married, we got into an argument about something that wasn't even that big of a deal, and I happened to talk to my mother about it a day or two later. It wasn't even in a "can you believe he did this" type of way; I was just telling her events of the day, what we fought about and why, and moved on. I didn't think much of it, and I made the mistake of mentioning this conversation to my ex. He was so upset. Unexplainably so. It took me so off guard, I didn't even know how to react. He then proceeded to very forcefully tell me that it was highly inappropriate to ever speak ill of one's spouse to anyone... ever. Under any circumstances. He emphasized that he has never nor will ever speak ill of me to anyone (this turned out to be a lie) and that he expects the same respect from me. I honestly don't remember more than that. I just remember the horrible sinking feeling he left me with that day, and the fact that he scared me in that moment. It was one of the first times he showed his true colors, and I was just left speechless, and frankly, so confused. But I was a young, newly married wife who wanted to please her husband and who didn't realize how not normal that outburst or demand was, so I complied. I never spoke about him in a negative light to my mom again until the week before I filed for divorce.
This was the first step in my isolation, and it only got worse. For over a decade, I was on an island. I was being destroyed from the inside out, but felt there was literally no one on the planet I could go to for help, because "you don't do that". You don't speak negatively about your spouse, no matter what. That stuff stays private and you work it out behind closed doors. You don't air your dirty laundry, no one needs to know, right? WRONG. You deserve to have someone to confide in. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to have help.
By year 7 or 8, after seeing some therapists on and off over the years, I had enough happen in my life (not even related to my ex) that I started seeing a therapist every week. Therapy started around the other things I originally began therapy for. My ex had ingrained so much the "you don't talk about this to anyone" mentality, that I was initially hesitant to even discuss things about him in therapy, for fear of his 'wrath'. But I was about to explode. I had been holding so much in for so long, I needed to talk to someone about it. So my sessions soon became almost entirely about him. After a few weeks of this, I don't remember how but my ex found out he had been the topic of conversation in therapy and got really upset. He left me feeling like I had done something horribly wrong or betrayed him by talking about him... in therapy... where these things should be talked about. And he was so uneasy about me talking with my therapist and made such a big deal about it that I had to start sneaking therapy. It was safer emotionally to just pretend like I wasn't going than him asking me every time if we'd talked about him or what we'd talked about, or why we'd talked about it. I didn't want the barrage of questions on days he knew I had therapy, so I went during work hours so he wouldn't know.
My therapist validated me that I absolutely 100% needed someone to talk to, outside of therapy. S/he recommended and almost ordered that I find a confidant I can talk with on rough days, or when a fight goes south and I don't know what to do, etc. A few months later, I remember exactly where I was when this conversation came up with my ex, when I finally advocated for myself. I told him what my therapist had said and that s/he told me that my mental health needed someone to talk to and confide in. I had to beg him, and give him every reason and example my therapist said it was necessary. He finally - and very begrudgingly - "gave his permission" for me to have a confidant. But he also didn't want to hear about it, and didn't want it to be anyone he knew.
The crazy thing though, is that even after that, I only utilized this a mere 2 times over the next several years. Why? Because he still had me feeling so guilty about ever bringing anything up with anyone. I still felt like it was wrong to reach out to anyone, that I was somehow betraying him or doing something nefarious. I still felt like I had to do this on my own. I had to suffer on my own. I had to survive on my own.
Let me make one thing clear: You do not have to suffer alone. In fact, you SHOULDN'T suffer alone. You need a support system. You need someone you can talk to when things are really bad and you don't know what to do and you're at your wits end and you feel like your world is caving in on you. If I had even one confidant that I had spoken to regularly, it is extremely likely I would have escaped much sooner than I did. But I allowed my ex to isolate me and put me on an island to fend for myself. He put me exactly where he wanted me, where he could control me, where he could dictate exactly what was and was not acceptable in his book and force my compliance. And he could do that because he had already silenced me within the first few months of our marriage.
Abusers want to silence you and isolate you because they are terrified of being found out. Their public persona is usually very charming, friendly, magnanimous, etc. It is actually extremely common for an abuser to be so much of a different person in public that if anyone hears about something he did to you, others tend to disbelieve it because it sounds so out of character from the person they think they know. That makes it even more difficult to find a confidant, because anyone who knows your abuser will likely have a difficult time believing anything you say about him, which only furthers the isolation.
Your Abuser Will Become a "Victim"
The second part of that quote says "and if you do, I will become a victim and accuse you of harassment." I knew my ex well enough that before I filed for divorce, I had to mentally and emotionally prepare for this exact thing. I had already seen him do it with others, I had heard him tell others "I don't know what happened" and I'd watched him put on a masterful performance that painted himself as the victim in other scenarios. I had to be prepared to lose virtually all of my friends (yet another form of isolation - we only ever hung out with his friends that he found or that we found together. Almost never ones that I found). That was one of the hardest parts, knowing I might lose almost everyone in my life because of how convincing his lies and performances are. But I had become passively suicidal and anything was better than the life I was living.
Do you want to know one of the first things he asked the day I told him I filed? It wasn't about the marriage, or me, or him. He simply asked through gritted teeth, "Who else knows about it?" All he cared about was protecting his image, and he wanted to get to everyone before I did so he could control the narrative and paint himself as the victim. I had told virtually no one other than 2 trusted friends, and continued to keep it to that circle. But sadly, just like I predicted, the above is exactly what happened. The day after I broke the news to him, he had already told several mutual friends. I know this, because one reached out to me that first day, another the next day, etc. This continued over the next several weeks. As others reached out, I discovered that he was discussing intimate details of our divorce both 1-on-1 and sometimes even in group settings. And he was painting himself as the victim by weaving a web of lies that made me look like I was unhinged. Additionally, he was so worried about protecting his image, he made sure to include as part of the divorce a clause that prevents either of us from speaking ill of the other, still trying to maintain control of me and continue to silence me forever so I couldn't expose him. This is why this blog must remain anonymous.
You Don't Deserve This
I will tell you right now, it was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT worth it. Even though horrible things are actively being said about me (and even more unfortunate, some are believing it), I don't care. I cannot describe the weight that has been lifted and the freedom I feel in finally escaping his rule. It's still a tough road and one I wish I didn't have to be on at all, but I promise you that it is better on the other side and worth every effort to get there.
I know it's so hard, but don't let fear stop you from escaping. If you're in that boat of feeling completely isolated and feeling like you have no one you can turn to or trust, please visit https://www.thehotline.org/ or call (800) 799-SAFE (7233).
Remember, domestic violence encompasses ALL forms of abuse.
He does not have to hit you for it to count.
You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be happy and free.
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