Chapter 13: It's Healthy to Cry

Every single one of us has cried. We cried when we were kids, when we got hurt, when someone said something mean, when we didn't get on the team or into the play, when someone broke our heart, etc. There are so many reasons each of us cries. 

(And of course, there is a big difference between crying about something specific, and crying 24/7. If you resonate more with constant crying, please seek out a medical professional to help you. There is hope. ❤️)

There are actually 3 different types of tears: basal, reflex, and emotional. Basal is always there, as these tears are what keep our eyes lubricated. Reflex tears are to get irritants out such as dust, smoke, or that pesky onion. Emotional tears are the tears most of us think about when we hear the word "cry". These are in response to sadness, joy, fear, stress, etc., and these tears are the tears I'm going to focus on. 

Health Benefits of Crying

For those of you (myself included) who so often suppress your tears, did you know there are legitimate health benefits to crying? Some professionals have even suggested that we may be doing ourselves a disservice by not tearing up regularly because of the good things that can come from crying. Remind yourself of these benefits next time you try to suppress your tears.

Relieves stress and restores balance - When you cry, you relieve some of your stress. Stephen Sideroff, a clinical psychologist, said, "Stress tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that... [Crying] activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance." Crying is sometimes how your body recovers from experiencing a very strong emotion and can help restore emotional equilibrium.

Releases oxytocin and endorphins - these chemicals can help ease emotional (sometimes even physical) pain. Oxytocin can also give you a sense of calmness. 

Detoxifies - emotional tears contain stress hormones and other toxins. Crying is said to flush these out of your system.

Improves mood - Sometimes crying will actually lift your spirits. Getting it all out can often be therapeutic. This is why sometimes after we cry, we feel a little bit (or a lot) better. 

Helps you recover from grief - If you are crying while processing through grief, it can be a sign of healing. Crying can also often help you process and accept whatever it is you are grieving (loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, etc). 

Crying and Abusive Relationships

"Crying activates the body in a healthy way... Letting down one's guard and one's defenses and [crying] is a very positive, healthy thing. The same thing happens when you watch a movie and it touches you and you cry... That process of opening into yourself... it's like a lock and key."  -Stephen Sideroff

This part resonated so much with me: "Letting down one's guard and one's defenses". Especially if you are with someone else, you absolutely have to let down your guard and defenses. You have to be vulnerable. You have to trust the other person (or people) you are with. You have to feel safe. For anyone coming from an abusive relationship, this is so hard. 

Let me give context for why...

My ex knew just the right things to say for me to cry, and he turned crying into a weapon. If he said or did something hurtful that caused me to cry, he'd tell me I was too emotional and that I "can't handle hard things", and say things like "this is why I never talk to you about anything". Basically, if I were to start crying, he would use it against me and find a way to blame me for the situation, and use it as a way to get out of talking about something he knew he did wrong. If I shed a single tear, sniffled, etc., he'd go into this pattern. And he made me cry... a lot. So, over time, I learned how to shut it off and become an empty shell. I would have to sit there and listen to him 'lecture' me for quite some time (sometimes hours, typically late into the night) without showing any emotion. I had to be a stone wall, or else he would rail into me harder, and/or storm out, blaming it on me. Once he was finished, if I wanted to speak, I had to continue that stone wall and not let any tears (or frankly, any emotion) escape, or I'd have to face the consequences. I had to prove to him that I can "keep it together" at all times and sit there and take the verbal/emotional beating like a robot. Because of this, crying became a very terrifying thing in my world, knowing the consequences that would ensue if I didn't hold it all in. 

The problem now, though, is that I still struggle to cry, especially with a significant other. I've been so conditioned to feel that if I show emotion, whoever I'm with is going to take it poorly, accuse me of being too dramatic, belittle or discredit my feelings, walk out, etc. A few nights ago I was telling someone some pretty painful things about my divorce process, felt myself get choked up for half a second, and immediately sucked it back in, turned it off, and shoved it down. I didn't even realize I had done it until afterward - it was completely involuntary. It was a safety and defense mechanism, because for so long, I had to suppress emotion in order to survive. But I want to be able to cry in front of others again. And I'm working toward that. It's a process, but I've made progress in recent months, and am inching closer to being able to get my tears back.

I chose to share this little snapshot to help you know that you are not alone. If you've had to become a shell just to survive, I see you. I hear you. I understand you. And I'm here for you. 

Once you are out of your toxic and potentially unsafe situation, remind yourself as often as you need to that crying is healthy. Crying can help you process through your grief. It can release toxins. It can restore balance. Crying is actually very important. It is OKAY to cry. I encourage you to cry. Here's to more healthy tears for all of us in our future. 🥂 

Here's a parting poem for you.

Feel It To Heal It

For so many years, emotions were banned; couldn’t even shed one single tear

If a tear dared to surface, his anger would come; I was living in constant fear

So I quickly learned how to keep it all in, never crying when I had been hurt

I’d sit there and listen to horrible things; days like that were simply the worst

Now that it’s over and I’m free to be me, it’s still hard to allow tears to flow

My instinctive response is still solidly there, and I worry when emotions show

I’ll find myself starting to get teary-eyed, and immediately suck it back in

My body still feels that more pain will ensue, for so long that’s just how it had been

But crying is healthy, it gets feelings out, it can ease the pain of the past

It can help you find clarity, balance your mind, the benefits really are vast

“Feel it to heal it” is what I’ve been told, this includes letting tears freely flow

Open your heart again, let it all out, let these tears help the new you to grow

Sometimes this process can take quite a while, so be kind to yourself as you heal

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, just start letting your whole being feel

The tears, they will come as you dig deep within, the difference it makes will be strong

And the pain of the past will start melting away, and you’ll find where you really belong

Chapter 12: Do You Feel Seen?

While we all physically "see" each other, how many of us truly see each other, at our core? I've learned recently how incredibly important this is, and also how much I had been starved of this my entire marriage. So, what does it mean to be seen?

Being Seen

In short, if you feel seen by your partner, you feel that he gets you. He understands you. He sees through your exterior and into your core, your soul, your true and authentic self. You don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself or prove yourself. When your partner sees you, he sees your true character. He sees those inner qualities more than the external qualities. Here are 2 comparisons for context:

Not feeling seen: Your partner only compliments things like your physical appearance, your accomplishments, your talents, etc. While these things may be a part of you, they do not define you. This says nothing about your character or the kind of person you are or the type of heart you have. There's no depth here.

Feeling seen: Your partner has made deep observations about you and admires you for what they've discovered. They see your positive outlook on life, your love for [xyz], your passion for [abc], your positive character traits, your innermost dreams and fears. They see what makes you tick. If you have traumas, they work with you, not against you - nothing is held over your head. They understand why you are the way you are and love you for it. They don't try to change who you are. You just feel that they "get" you, sometimes even more than you understand yourself. You feel a deep connection to them that draws you closer to them. 

Why Is This Important?

if you are constantly with someone who invalidates your feelings, your hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, etc., you are not going to feel very connected to your partner. In fact, you will probably constantly feel the need to prove yourself. You'll feel that you have to do and say things to prove to your partner that you care about certain things, or that you do or don't want something to happen. If you are not seen, you are not understood. If you are not understood, you may go to great lengths to get your partner to understand, sometimes to your detriment. 

A great example I heard once compares and contrasts the difference in really plain terms. Let's say you are cold; you go to your partner's house, knock on the door, he opens, and you say "I'm cold, can I come in?" A good partner who sees you, will say "yes of course" and bring you in immediately, no questions asked. He will see that whether or not he feels cold, you clearly are and he wants to help. Conversely, a partner who does not see you, will open the door and say "Why? It's not even cold outside. You shouldn't be cold. Come back when it's truly cold."

Aside from the obvious, what's wrong with that last scenario? You will then do everything you can to prove to him you're cold and need shelter. You may show him you have goosebumps, or try to make him feel how cold your hands or face are, or show him where you just came from to see how cold it was there, etc. Yet even after all that, he may still require further proof or evidence. This is exhausting. If every statement you make is questioned or invalidated, soon your entire existence is constantly finding ways to prove and/or validate your feelings or actions to both you and your partner. This is not healthy. This also leads back to not feeling safe, among other things. You should not have to be constantly proving yourself to your partner, or bringing evidence to him to validate your feelings and/or experiences. If he truly saw you, he wouldn't need that. 

A good quote I read recently stated, "When we don’t feel seen we either raise the stakes to be seen or we begin to hide as a means of self-protection." You either waste an exorbitant amount of time and energy 'raising the stakes', OR you start sinking within yourself. Neither route is healthy and you should never have to feel that way in a relationship. 

What Do You Need to See and Be Seen?

So how does one work to see their partner? This is a loaded question, as there are many things that need to be present. Here are a few:

• Does he allow you to feel?
• Does he validate those feelings whether or not he understands them?
• Does he listen intently when you talk?
• Does he show interest in your interests?
• Does he take note of the things you love and find ways to surprise you later? (ex: he knows your favorite drink and gets you one just because; he knows when someone does [xyz] it means a lot to you, so he does it just to make you smile)
• Is he observant? Does he notice things about you just by you being you and how you interact with other people?
• Does he remember things you tell him?
• Does he believe you when you say [xyz]?

How Do You Let Yourself Be Seen?

Another important part of this is allowing yourself to be seen. This can be especially hard if you're coming from an abusive relationship where you had to build walls, defenses, and hide inside yourself out of self-preservation. Allowing yourself to be seen requires vulnerability, trust, respect, etc., and it can be terrifying. However, you cannot both hide and be seen. You have to step into the unknown and allow your partner to have opportunities to see you. This will almost certainly include deep and vulnerable conversations over time. This will require you to be your authentic self in front of him. It's okay if this takes time - it takes time for most people. 

Lastly, keep in mind as you think on all of this: this is a two-way street. Ask yourself all of the same questions. Do YOU validate your partner, take interest, observe, listen, etc.? He needs you to see him just as much as you need him to see you. When you both feel seen by each other, that is a true sign of a healthy and loving relationship. 

Chapter 11: What A True Apology Is... And What It Isn't

 

All of us should have apologized for many things in our lives, because we all make mistakes, which often require making amends. Whether you're apologizing to your mom as a kid for talking back or sneaking out, your friend for something you said or did, your boss for messing up a project, or the many other scenarios you can come up with. Apologies are a necessary part of the human experience. But, an insincere apology can usually be felt, and it can often make things worse, not better, because an insincere apology will likely communicate "this person doesn't care enough about me to give me a real apology."

What a True Apology Is

Most of us were taught at a young age how to apologize, and why apologies are important. This list of 7 steps is likely largely ingrained into you already. Yet for some, it doesn't come as naturally, and if you're in an abusive relationship, it's even more important that you know how he *should* apologize so you can better recognize when it's not an actual apology. So, let's break it down.

(1) Say what you're sorry for: It's important to state exactly what you're apologizing for, because this communicates that you know what you did was wrong. 

(2) Say why it was wrong: Just knowing it was wrong isn't enough - you need to be able to verbalize why what you did wasn't okay. Let's go really basic. Say one kid stole a toy from another kid. They should say "sorry I stole your toy (Step 1). It's your toy and that was wrong for me to take something that wasn't mine (Step 2)."

(3) Accept full responsibility: Do. 👏 Not. 👏 Make.  👏 Excuses! This will completely negate your apology. Whether you meant to or not, something you did or said hurt someone. You need to OWN that and make sure the other person knows that you are taking full responsibility.

(4) Ask how to make amends: Sometimes there is a clear answer to this, sometimes not. If a kid accidentally breaks a window, they should ask how they can make amends. The person whose window they broke may suggest they come every week for a month to do xyz chore, or maybe help them install the new window. If it's not as cut and dried as that, give the person some space to think on it if they need. Note: You also need to be willing to accept what the other person suggests as amends (assuming it is within reason).

(5) Commit to not doing it again: Show an action plan of how you will make sure what happened doesn't happen again. 

(6) Ask for forgiveness: This is critical. If you don't ask some form of "will you please forgive me?", it is lacking in a true and sincere apology. 

(7) Thank them: This is especially important if you did not realize you did or said something that hurt someone. It probably took courage for the other person to even bring it up, so please make sure to say thank you for that.

These Are Not Apologies

If you're in an abusive relationship, what likely happens is when you do something wrong, you apologize for it. It's heartfelt, you go through the steps without even realizing it, and you make amends. BUT... your abuser does not offer you the same respect. When I read the bottom part of the image, I was blown away at how amazingly fitting virtually all of them were in my own marriage. I had no idea that was so standard. I'd also like to add one more to that list: "I'm sorry IF". We'll get more to that later.

You misunderstood/misinterpreted what I meant

After several years being married to a person like that, I truly had begun to think something was wrong with me. I never had a problem understanding things before I was married, so what's wrong with me now? Am I really going crazy? Do I really get confused that easily? Unfortunately, an abuser will always find a way to twist both his words and yours, and come off without blame because everything that was said you just "misunderstood" or "misinterpreted". This will leave you questioning your own reality over and over again. 

I'm sorry you feel that way

Please refrain from using this. This negates the other person's feelings, experiences, everything. This one often turns into "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I know I'm right" or "but that's not what happened", "but you misinterpreted." An article I read said "the impact [of saying this] is much more likely to invalidate their feelings or gloss over them altogether." If you use this phrase, you are communicating that you don't actually care about your partner, that you have no interest in trying to understand their perspective, and that you are unwilling to admit fault.

I'm sorry, but... 

Using the word "but" immediately following "I'm sorry" cancels out an apology. A quote I read on this said that it "nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse." You cannot say "I'm sorry but, this never would have happened if you hadn't done [xyz]." Or "I'm sorry but you made me so angry", etc. If you use the word "but", you might as well not even try to apologize because it won't mean a darn thing. 

I'm sorry if...

This is one I added because I experienced this personally more times than I can count. If I ever said "you said/did this and it hurt me", he first would try to deny it and then eventually would get to "I'm sorry if I said/did that." But the "if" invalidates the other person. It is saying that you still don't believe them, and "IF" you said that, you're sorry, buuut you don't think you actually said it. An apology followed by "if" has zero meaning or sincerity. 

What about that time that you...

Now is NOT the time to bring up things from the past. Even if it's an unresolved issue, now is not the time. You need to address and resolve the issue at hand before anything else is brought up. Using this tactic is massive deflection and abusers unfortunately use this often, to get the focus off of them and onto their victim. It's a way of escaping responsibility for their actions because the conversation will often end leaving you confused, and then you'll realize you never got to fully address the grievance you approached him with in the first place, and that he left you feeling like you were somehow at fault. Pay very close attention to this, and if you notice your partner is bringing up past faults of yours and completely ignoring the original issue, be very wary. 

It was your fault that I...

Let's say you said something hurtful to your partner, and then your partner also said something hurtful in response. The fact that you said something first does not negate the fact that he also said something hurtful. Should you both apologize? Absolutely. But he can't say he doesn't need to apologize because "you started it." Whether "it" really was your fault or not, that doesn't excuse his behavior and he still needs to own what he said/did that hurt you. Never allow your partner to use this phrase. This is a major red flag. 

These are not apologies. They are manipulation tactics. If your partner regularly uses any of these on you, please be very careful. Consider talking to a trusted friend to help you sort through your thoughts and emotions and get you to safety if necessary.

Now that you know what to look for in a true apology as well as the red flag phrases to be on the lookout for, hopefully you are a little more equipped than you were before. Remember, this is also a two-way street. You need to be implementing these 7 steps in your own apologies if you expect the same from your partner. Your relationship will grow exponentially if both of you are actively working to give sincere apologies.