Chapter 19: Grey Rock

If you're not familiar with emotional abuse and the terms associated, this might sound like a weird one. I didn't even learn what this was until long after my ex and I separated, but oh how I wish I had known about this earlier on because of how effective it can be. 

What is the Grey Rock Method?

The grey rock method means you essentially became as flat and emotionless as a grey rock. You are as unresponsive as possible. If someone tries to pick a fight with you, instead of getting defensive, you say something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and do not engage further. If someone asks you a question, you answer as emotionless and shortly and succinctly as possible, nothing more. "Grey rocking" is a tactic used to deflate your abuser and protect yourself.

How Is This Applied?

In an abusive relationship, your abuser likely often knows exactly how to hurt you. They probably accuse you of untrue things all the time, and you probably give them some kind of reaction, which is exactly what they are looking for. If your abuser commonly calls you names, insults or humiliates you, gaslights you, etc., you likely react with tears, anger, frustration, etc. Whatever your reaction, you react. You engage. Your abuser typically feeds off of this energy. Toxic and manipulative people thrive on conflict and chaos. Many abusers purposefully push these buttons to get you to react and get angry and then they are suddenly 100% calm in an instant and turn it around on you, asking you why you are so upset, while they're sitting there cool as a cucumber, further messing with your mind and reality. 

However, if you don't give your abuser the reaction they're looking for, it deflates them, and they don't know what to do. They're used to getting a certain reaction out of you and feeding off of that, so if you don't react, they don't have any ammo or negative energy to feed off of. Grey rocking allows you to take some of your power back. 

The first time I did this, I had no idea what grey rocking was. It was the day before I was going to kick my ex out and I was desperately trying to keep it together because the plan had to stay in tact (I didn't feel safe telling him without someone else present). We were doing basic house cleaning, and he tried to pick a fight on who should be doing what. But instead of reacting or engaging, I just said "okay, I'll do it." It totally took him off guard. A few minutes later, in a further attempt to get me to engage/react, he accused me of escalating, which was so confusing because I had not reacted to anything. I did slightly engage here and say very flatly, "no, I'm not." His own tone escalated as he exclaimed "yes you are!" I replied with something like "I'm sorry you see it that way" and continued cleaning. He stood there for a moment, and then stormed off in a huff. Once I was done cleaning, I sat down on the couch. He came and sat a few seats away and said, "can we finish our conversation?" I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, and said "I didn't know there was more to say, but if you feel there is, then go ahead." He tried again to tell me that I was escalating earlier, and kept trying to get a reaction out of me, but then I interrupted him and asked very calmly, "what is your purpose with this conversation?" This also took him extremely aback as this was very out of character for me. He was silent for a few seconds and then said "to let you know that you were escalating." With zero emotion, I replied, "I have heard you. Thank you." He got angry, escalated himself and nearly shouted, "No you haven't!" I just repeated flatly, "I have heard you. Thank you." He had no idea how to respond. He got zero reaction out of me. I did not engage at all, and he had no idea what to do with that. He didn't get the energy or conflict he was looking for and it was so foreign to him that he sat there almost dumbfounded for a minute. It honestly was the weirdest experience for me. I'd never seen him at a loss for words like that. He sat there for another few moments and then stormed off in a huff. 

Let me tell you... that experience was absolutely amazing. I didn't even know why at the time. I didn't know this was an actual tactic. I didn't fully understand what emotional abuse was yet and I'd never heard of grey rocking, but for the first time in over a decade, I felt like I had taken some of my power back. It was invigorating. He tried to stomp on me and failed. I wasn't left in tears. I wasn't left a wreck. I wasn't left confused, questioning my own reality or words. It was like I had accidentally found and used an emotional shield that deflected his attacks. For me, grey rocking gave me added courage that I needed for the next day. 

Take Back Your Power

If you are in an abusive (or toxic) relationship and are seeking further emotional protection, implement the grey rock method. It really works. Give it a try and see how you feel afterward. If you are divorced from your abuser but can't go no-contact due to custody arrangements, utilize grey rock whenever you have to speak with your ex. This works even with a toxic coworker or any toxic person you have to deal with. Stand in your power. Don't give others the power to control you and your emotions. You have the strength within you to find yourself again and to be stronger than ever before.

***Note: if your partner has a propensity for violence, be very careful with grey rock. Some abusers escalate when they do not get a reaction of out you and it could put you at greater risk. if your partner has ever been violent in ANY way (this includes punching/throwing/hitting inanimate objects), please call the national Domestic Violent hotline: 800-799-7233 and they can help you safely escape.

Chapter 18: Game Night Trigger

I love games. I love learning new ones and also love introducing those same ones to friends. My ex and I did game nights with friends quite a bit, and we often had new games to introduce to others. But each time I would try to explain a game, he'd swoop in and take over in record speed. You see, I was never allowed to explain how to play a game, because I'm "terrible at explaining games". He would tell me (and others) that all the time. I either explained too much too soon, not enough to start, confused people even more than they already were, stressed people out with the way I explained games, you name it. He gave me a huge complex around this. And by the end of our marriage, I honestly believed it... until one friend shortly after separation who had done a single game night with us in the past said "I noticed he didn't always treat you very well." I was curious what she meant by that, and I asked if she'd be okay elaborating. The example she gave? "When we were playing [game] and you started to explain it, he stepped all over you and took over. I thought, 'she was explaining the game just fine. Why did he do that?' I remember thinking 'wow I would so not be okay with being treated that way." It was the first validation I had that it wasn't just me, that I was doing just fine explaining the game, and that someone else had noticed right away how he takes over. 

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago. I attended a game night with some friends. Each of us brought some games to choose from. Once it was decided that the first game would be one that I brought and would therefore have to explain, I was filled with anxiety. But I wasn't going to let it stop me - I refuse to give it control over me. I took a deep breath, started explaining, and everyone understood right away. Huge relief. The game went great and everyone had a good time. Game #2 was then chosen, and it was also a game that I brought, so it was time for me to explain another game. I explained the basics, and everyone was a little confused on the game play. Oh no...

I cannot even describe to you all the thoughts and feelings that went through my head in milliseconds. So much anxiety, fear, trepidation, etc. But then the craziest most terrifying thing happened. Since the divorce, I had not yet experienced anything this real and in-my-face. It was as if my ex was suddenly standing right next to me, saying all the disparaging things directly into my ear. "How many times do I have to tell you that you are terrible at explaining games? Why do you never believe me? You should never be the one to explain a game. See? You just confused everyone even more and now they have no idea what's going on. They're not even going to want to play the game because of how poorly you explained it." I could go on, but you get the idea. 

The most difficult part though, was that with all of these things being "said" into my ear, I was also still actively trying to re-explain this game a second time, all while my body wanted to run away, hide in a corner, and cry. It was the most real and traumatizing thing I'd felt or experienced since the divorce. In those moments, it felt like he was right there saying these things to me in real time. And I'm simultaneously in process of re-explaining the game a second time, also in real time. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone who's yelling in your ear and continue a conversation as if nothing is wrong? Just imagine that. That's essentially what I was doing. I just prayed the group would understand it the second time through, and luckily, they did. We played the game, had a good time, and everything was totally fine after that. 

So why do I tell you about this? To give you hope that you too can work through a trigger in real time. Do not let it debilitate you. It took so much strength to push through that. I had to dig deeper than I knew was possible. My mind was working overtime, trying to process an active trigger, trying to have a conversation with 'Trauma Brain' telling it that we'll be okay, resisting the urge to run off in tears, continuing the explanation of the game, and more. It. was. exhausting. But I did it. I succeeded. I processed it, I came out on the other end, and I didn't let it destroy my night. I proved to MYSELF that I can in fact explain games just fine. I proved to myself that I can overcome triggers. I proved to myself that I am capable and strong and can rise above my traumas. 

Anyone who has been through trauma is likely going to have some triggers. As I've said before, it's not a matter of "if" but "when", and we need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for when these moments happen. While you can't prevent it from happening, you can prepare for it and decide how you'll manage it. And when you're experiencing it in the moment, don't just push it away or shove it down, because that won't help you overcome it. A wise person once told me that you must address the trigger and give it space in order to begin healing from it. Tell your 'Trauma Brain' something like "Yes, this is/was a scary thing, but you're safe now and it's going to be okay." 

So, decide now how you will handle when triggers arise. Learn some breathing techniques to keep you calm in the moment, prepare to give the trigger and those feelings space but not enough to consume you, and remind yourself that it's in the past and that you're going to be okay. It IS in the past, and you WILL be okay. You won't magically transform overnight, but you will be okay. You're a survivor. Keep moving forward, keep learning and growing, keep progressing. You will overcome your traumas. You are stronger than you know. 💪

Chapter 17: Let's Talk About Tomatoes

Okay, I know you're probably thinking "Tomatoes? What does this have to do with abuse?" Well, let me tell you... 

A few weeks after separation, my mother came to stay with me for several weeks to help me navigate everything. Naturally, we had many conversations while she was here. I don't even remember how it came up, but I was telling her how critical my ex was of everything. I used tomatoes as a real-life example where I would make him a sandwich, but then he'd criticize the thickness of the tomato slices instead of saying thank you (Ex: "Why would you cut them that thick? No one wants them that thick. It ruins the sandwich when all you can taste is tomato. Why can't you slice them thin? It's not that hard. Do I need to show you again?"). I unknowingly would always immediately apologize and take the blame for it, even though he should have just appreciated the fact that I made him something. He did this with all sorts of things, but seemed especially picky about the perfection of food - perfection to his standards, of course. 

A few days went by, and I made some sandwiches for myself and my mom, which included tomatoes. (As I was slicing the tomatoes, I even remember thinking almost subconsciously, "are these too thick? I hope they're okay.") I gave her the sandwich, and after she took a bite, she jokingly said "I think you cut the tomato slices too thick." This was my immediate and almost involuntary response: "Oh I'm so sorry." I either made a disparaging remark about myself ("I always cut them too thick"), or might have even offered to slice some more; I can't remember. But either way, I immediately accepted blame for it and was trying to make it better, falling all over myself trying make amends. My mother had to quickly interrupt me and say "Sweetie, it was a joke. Just trying to make light of the situation." And that's when I completely fell apart and just sobbed. I was so angry that he had his claws in me so deep that I didn't even notice how I'd responded, that he had completely conditioned me to respond in a very specific way, and that I was immediately apologizing all over the place to my mother when she tried to joke about it. I didn't even notice the sarcasm in her voice, because I was so used to comments like that just being a normal part of my everyday life. 

Then of course, it had me thinking, what else was he like that with? How many other instances in all facets of life did the same scenario play out on a daily basis? I do know that I overly apologized all the time. But this tomato scenario was one of the first times I had to face head on that I was in an extremely toxic relationship. I was still so fresh out of the relationship that I hadn't even recognized it for what it was. I was still making excuses for him. I was in denial. He wasn't really abusive, right? Sorry, yes, he was. Emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is very real, is often highly overlooked and disregarded, and is infinitely more difficult to prove because there aren't visible bruises that you wear as battle wounds. These wounds are invisible. Unrecognizable. It is a silent battle that is often fought entirely alone, as it slowly eats away at you a little more each day.

This tomato experience put me on a path to self-discovery. There are more things than I can count that I have learned and continue to learn about regarding how he treated me. I've also found an amazing support group of people formerly married to someone similar to my ex that have provided so much validation to my experience, to help me realize that I am not alone in this, and that it really was abuse. This is a battle I still fight every day. I'm constantly having to step back and think "Why am I reacting this way?" and do my own self-analysis of my inner thoughts. I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by people who are so patient with me as I unpack these traumas. 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to once again emphasize that you are not alone. What you experienced was real. You went through real trauma. You do not deserve to be treated the way you were. You do not deserve to be talked to in a disparaging or insulting way and you do not deserve to be degraded or gaslit. If you are recovering from an abusive or toxic relationship, please find a trusted therapist if you haven't already - this has helped and continues to help me immensely. Consider journaling as well - I have typed hundreds of pages since my divorce. It has become very therapeutic and has really helped me to sort through my feelings and emotions and honestly, has helped me to understand me more. Read books or watch subject matter experts relevant to your type(s) of abuse. Do whatever works for you, but don't be stagnant. Don't get stuck in your misery. Don't blame other people; don't make excuses. Only YOU have the power to take back your life and become a better you. 

Find healthy ways to face your traumas and ways to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, how you were affected, how you are going to handle/treat it in the present, and what you are going to do about it moving forward. Do not let the abuse define you. What you went through wasn't okay, but don't let it consume you. Learn from it, work through it, and become stronger because of it. ❤️