Chapter 3: Hidden Abuse - A Poem

Sometimes I find it very therapeutic to write about things in poem form. Yesterday I wrote one that details several aspects of what I went through and I wanted to share it here.

Hidden Abuse

I was stuck in a room with no exit in sight, surrounded only by walls

Placed on an island of full isolation, with no one to hear my calls

Trapped and alone, I was all by myself, merely a shell of who I once was

No one around to witness the horror, to see all the things that he does

“I never said that”, “You’re remembering wrong”, things he constantly drilled into my head

Each argument we had, every time this occurred, I’d sink deeper into my bed

In a world of confusion that I couldn’t grasp, my reality quietly slipped away

Consistently told that the problem is me, and there was nothing that I could say

He silenced my voice, I put on a fake smile, and pretended that nothing was wrong

I bottled it up, emotions were gone, and outwardly I appeared strong

But behind the closed doors, when no one else was around, I crumbled to pieces each night

I was falling apart and had no one to trust, how much longer could I handle this fight?

The gaslighting was rampant, it changed who I was, no opinions or feelings allowed

His way or the highway, that’s all I could choose, ‘cause his ego was overly proud

He accused me of horrible terrible things that I knew for a fact were not true

But he was insistent that his words were right, when it was his own reality skewed

We danced in these circles again and again, each ‘discussion’ far worse than the last

It turned into lectures he’d never let end, and I’d end up just feeling harassed

I wanted to scream, run away, disappear, but his pow’r was unspeakably strong

These perpetual nights and unending fights only ended when I said I was ‘wrong’

I could only escape if I let him be right, and conformed to each one of his views

I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or thoughts, yet it was me that he’d always accuse

He’d call me demanding, impossible, critical, if I ever expressed any concern

Then he’d tell me again why my feelings were wrong, and to the circle dance we would return

Aside from the dominance, gaslighting too, his spending was out of control

When confronted he lied, had excuses galore, it was eating away at my soul

His addiction was real, so much money was lost, and the pain of it started to spread

Every morning I checked, did the math on what’s gone, my head spinning and filling with dread

And the lies, oh the lies, that he told every day, no matter the person or place

Even when I had a mountain of proof, he still constantly lied to my face

He’d blame things on anything other than him, to get out of the mess that he made

Sometimes he even told lies about me, and it just left me feeling betrayed

Then there’s the times when he punched holes in walls, and he shattered some things with his fist

Since he didn’t punch ME, I thought nothing was wrong, and these actions I simply dismissed

I wish I had known that these outbursts weren’t normal, I’d have filed a report right away

And then when things ended, when I finally got out, there’d be records of each of those days

But since I did nothing, and turned a blind eye, I had nothing to prove these events

He continued his story of lies and deceit, blaming me for each horrid offense

He told all of our friends, all his family and more, about “crazy” supposedly me

Yet each of the lies he was claiming as truth, I had proof that would set the truth free

I was sick of this feeling in the pit of my stomach, always worrying “what will be next?”

Losing a piece of my soul every day, and beginning to feel the effects

So I found the courage to end it for good, I decided that I was worth more 

I found my supports and protected myself, then I told him to walk out the door

So much more of this story I’ve not even included, there are other dark sinister things

Abuse is so hard for the victim to prove, and there’s trauma and fear that it brings

So next time you think you know who someone is, just remember this one simple theme

The person you’re seeing may not be the truth, because sometimes it’s not what it seems

Chapter 2: Abusers Isolate You

This was drilled into me hard almost from Day 1 after we got married. Shortly after we got married, we got into an argument about something that wasn't even that big of a deal, and I happened to talk to my mother about it a day or two later. It wasn't even in a "can you believe he did this" type of way; I was just telling her events of the day, what we fought about and why, and moved on. I didn't think much of it, and I made the mistake of mentioning this conversation to my ex. He was so upset. Unexplainably so. It took me so off guard, I didn't even know how to react. He then proceeded to very forcefully tell me that it was highly inappropriate to ever speak ill of one's spouse to anyone... ever. Under any circumstances. He emphasized that he has never nor will ever speak ill of me to anyone (this turned out to be a lie) and that he expects the same respect from me. I honestly don't remember more than that. I just remember the horrible sinking feeling he left me with that day, and the fact that he scared me in that moment. It was one of the first times he showed his true colors, and I was just left speechless, and frankly, so confused. But I was a young, newly married wife who wanted to please her husband and who didn't realize how not normal that outburst or demand was, so I complied. I never spoke about him in a negative light to my mom again until the week before I filed for divorce. 

This was the first step in my isolation, and it only got worse. For over a decade, I was on an island. I was being destroyed from the inside out, but felt there was literally no one on the planet I could go to for help, because "you don't do that". You don't speak negatively about your spouse, no matter what. That stuff stays private and you work it out behind closed doors. You don't air your dirty laundry, no one needs to know, right? WRONG. You deserve to have someone to confide in. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to have help. 

By year 7 or 8, after seeing some therapists on and off over the years, I had enough happen in my life (not even related to my ex) that I started seeing a therapist every week. Therapy started around the other things I originally began therapy for. My ex had ingrained so much the "you don't talk about this to anyone" mentality, that I was initially hesitant to even discuss things about him in therapy, for fear of his 'wrath'. But I was about to explode. I had been holding so much in for so long, I needed to talk to someone about it. So my sessions soon became almost entirely about him. After a few weeks of this, I don't remember how but my ex found out he had been the topic of conversation in therapy and got really upset. He left me feeling like I had done something horribly wrong or betrayed him by talking about him... in therapy... where these things should be talked about. And he was so uneasy about me talking with my therapist and made such a big deal about it that I had to start sneaking therapy. It was safer emotionally to just pretend like I wasn't going than him asking me every time if we'd talked about him or what we'd talked about, or why we'd talked about it. I didn't want the barrage of questions on days he knew I had therapy, so I went during work hours so he wouldn't know. 

My therapist validated me that I absolutely 100% needed someone to talk to, outside of therapy. S/he recommended and almost ordered that I find a confidant I can talk with on rough days, or when a fight goes south and I don't know what to do, etc. A few months later, I remember exactly where I was when this conversation came up with my ex, when I finally advocated for myself. I told him what my therapist had said and that s/he told me that my mental health needed someone to talk to and confide in. I had to beg him, and give him every reason and example my therapist said it was necessary. He finally - and very begrudgingly - "gave his permission" for me to have a confidant. But he also didn't want to hear about it, and didn't want it to be anyone he knew. 

The crazy thing though, is that even after that, I only utilized this a mere 2 times over the next several years. Why? Because he still had me feeling so guilty about ever bringing anything up with anyone. I still felt like it was wrong to reach out to anyone, that I was somehow betraying him or doing something nefarious. I still felt like I had to do this on my own. I had to suffer on my own. I had to survive on my own. 

Let me make one thing clear: You do not have to suffer alone. In fact, you SHOULDN'T suffer alone. You need a support system. You need someone you can talk to when things are really bad and you don't know what to do and you're at your wits end and you feel like your world is caving in on you. If I had even one confidant that I had spoken to regularly, it is extremely likely I would have escaped much sooner than I did. But I allowed my ex to isolate me and put me on an island to fend for myself. He put me exactly where he wanted me, where he could control me, where he could dictate exactly what was and was not acceptable in his book and force my compliance. And he could do that because he had already silenced me within the first few months of our marriage. 

Abusers want to silence you and isolate you because they are terrified of being found out. Their public persona is usually very charming, friendly, magnanimous, etc. It is actually extremely common for an abuser to be so much of a different person in public that if anyone hears about something he did to you, others tend to disbelieve it because it sounds so out of character from the person they think they know. That makes it even more difficult to find a confidant, because anyone who knows your abuser will likely have a difficult time believing anything you say about him, which only furthers the isolation. 

Your Abuser Will Become a "Victim"

The second part of that quote says "and if you do, I will become a victim and accuse you of harassment." I knew my ex well enough that before I filed for divorce, I had to mentally and emotionally prepare for this exact thing. I had already seen him do it with others, I had heard him tell others "I don't know what happened" and I'd watched him put on a masterful performance that painted himself as the victim in other scenarios. I had to be prepared to lose virtually all of my friends (yet another form of isolation - we only ever hung out with his friends that he found or that we found together. Almost never ones that I found). That was one of the hardest parts, knowing I might lose almost everyone in my life because of how convincing his lies and performances are. But I had become passively suicidal and anything was better than the life I was living. 

Do you want to know one of the first things he asked the day I told him I filed? It wasn't about the marriage, or me, or him. He simply asked through gritted teeth, "Who else knows about it?" All he cared about was protecting his image, and he wanted to get to everyone before I did so he could control the narrative and paint himself as the victim. I had told virtually no one other than 2 trusted friends, and continued to keep it to that circle. But sadly, just like I predicted, the above is exactly what happened. The day after I broke the news to him, he had already told several mutual friends. I know this, because one reached out to me that first day, another the next day, etc. This continued over the next several weeks. As others reached out, I discovered that he was discussing intimate details of our divorce both 1-on-1 and sometimes even in group settings. And he was painting himself as the victim by weaving a web of lies that made me look like I was unhinged. Additionally, he was so worried about protecting his image, he made sure to include as part of the divorce a clause that prevents either of us from speaking ill of the other, still trying to maintain control of me and continue to silence me forever so I couldn't expose him. This is why this blog must remain anonymous. 

You Don't Deserve This

I will tell you right now, it was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT worth it. Even though horrible things are actively being said about me (and even more unfortunate, some are believing it), I don't care. I cannot describe the weight that has been lifted and the freedom I feel in finally escaping his rule. It's still a tough road and one I wish I didn't have to be on at all, but I promise you that it is better on the other side and worth every effort to get there. 

I know it's so hard, but don't let fear stop you from escaping. If you're in that boat of feeling completely isolated and feeling like you have no one you can turn to or trust, please visit https://www.thehotline.org/ or call (800) 799-SAFE (7233). 

Remember, domestic violence encompasses ALL forms of abuse. 

He does not have to hit you for it to count. 

You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be happy and free. 

Chapter 1: Abuse is Abuse

The purpose of this blog is to help others recognize when they are in an abusive relationship. I was in one for over 10 years and honestly had no idea. I thought it was just part of marriage. I thought it was normal, and so often I thought I was the problem, because that's what I had been conditioned to believe. But the longer I am away from my ex, the more I am learning just how much I was actually abused, and the angrier I am that ALL forms of abuse are not openly talked about. (As a disclaimer, I recognize the perpetrator of abuse can be male or female, but this blog will address the perpetrator as male and victim as female.)

To start, there are so many forms of abuse. Unfortunately, the only one that anyone really ever talks about is violent physical abuse. And even then, it's only visible violent abuse on the spouse that is addressed. If a woman walks in with a black eye or a bruised arm, that's when people take notice. But the far more subtle and sinister abuse is verbal, emotional, psychological, etc., and it happens far more often than you think. And because it is not talked about, so many women are suffering in silence because they think it's normal. I certainly did. 

But since it's the most commonly discussed one, the first one I will address is violent physical abuse. I feel like most women are under the impression that it's not domestic violence unless their spouse physically harms them. I learned far too late that that's not the case. Near the end of my marriage with my ex, something severe enough happened that resulted in me talking in person with a police officer, and as he was asking questions about the situation, I told him "he has never hit me. He has punched big holes in walls, shattered things, etc., but he hasn't been violent with me." The officer was then very concerned and asked if I had reported those cases. I was confused. Why would I have reported those cases?  That wasn't domestic violence, right? He didn't lay a hand on me, therefore it was okay, right? 

NO. That is not okay! He was being VIOLENT. I learned that night (far too late), that deliberate destruction of any property especially while in an argument with your spouse is domestic violence. Had I reported those, I would have had a better case as the marriage was ending. Unfortunately, I didn't even know I could have reported it... but honestly, I still probably wouldn't have, because I would have justified it in my head with "well, he was just angry. And he didn't hurt me so it's okay." But the problem ladies, is that it wasn't you that time. But if your husband/significant other has a propensity for violence, it's only a matter of time before he hits you instead of an inanimate object. I found this image recently that resonated with me regarding this:

Stop protecting him. The only person you are hurting by doing so is yourself (and your kids if you have them). Every time your spouse destroys property, call the police. Document it. Many abusers are also extremely charming and people on the outside find it hard to believe that your spouse has a dark side, so it may be the only thing you have on your side if/when you ever decide to finally escape. 

What is Domestic Violence?

As stated above, I always thought domestic violence was just physical abuse on a spouse. But I've been doing a lot of homework, and as it turns out, it encompasses much more than that. According to the Office of Justice Programs, this is the official definition: 

"Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone."

Is that surprising to you? Because it was extremely surprising to me. Even psychological, emotional, and economic actions are considered domestic VIOLENCE. Even behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, and hurt someone. Why is this not taught and discussed?? Domestic violence is ALL of this. 

Types of Abuse

I found a great succinct description of the most common forms of abuse (domestic violence) on FindLaw that I want to share:

• Physical abuse can include hitting, biting, slapping, battering, shoving, punching, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, etc. (any type of violent behavior inflicted on the victim). Physical abuse also includes denying someone medical treatment and forcing drug/alcohol use on someone.
• Sexual abuse occurs when the abuser coerces or attempts to coerce the victim into having sexual contact or sexual behavior without the victim's consent. This often takes the form of marital rape, attacking sexual body parts, physical violence that is followed by forcing sex, sexually demeaning the victim, or even telling sexual jokes at the victim's expense.
• Emotional abuse involves invalidating or deflating the victim's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. Emotional abuse often takes the form of constant criticism, name-calling, injuring the victim's relationship with his/her children, or interfering with the victim's abilities.
• Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim from going to school or work.
• Psychological abuse involves the abuser invoking fear through intimidation; threatening to physically hurt himself/herself, the victim, children, the victim's family or friends, or the pets; destruction of property; injuring the pets; isolating the victim from loved ones; and prohibiting the victim from going to school or work.
• Threats to hit, injure, or use a weapon are a form of psychological abuse.
• Stalking can include following the victim, spying, watching, harassing, showing up at the victim's home or work, sending gifts, collecting information, making phone calls, leaving written messages, or appearing at a person's home or workplace. These acts individually are typically legal, but any of these behaviors done continuously results in a stalking crime.
• Cyberstalking refers to online action or repeated emailing that inflicts substantial emotional distress in the recipient.

If you identify with any of these definitions or anything that has been stated in this post, please please reach out to a trusted friend or family member and get help. Or email me and I would be more than happy to talk with you. I was isolated for years and I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in this. Or go to https://www.thehotline.org/ or call 800.799.SAFE. There are so many resources available to help you. You are not alone.

Even if I help enlighten just one person and inspire them to take action and escape an abusive relationship, this blog will be worth it. I am writing this because I so desperately wish someone had told me that what I was going through was not normal but was in fact, abuse. Abuse is never okay and you do NOT deserve to be treated that way. It is not your fault, and it is nothing you did. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This. 

Have courage, escape, and take back your life.