Chapter 7: Triggers

I know this is such an overused word, but I want to address the real meaning of the word "trigger". A good definition I found is this:

A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma. This reminder can cause a person to feel overwhelming sadness, anxiety, or panic. It may also cause someone to have flashbacks. A flashback is a vivid, often negative memory that may appear without warning.

I had a very real and unexpected trigger recently, while watching a movie with some friends. It was a movie I had seen a dozen times, but not since certain events happened. As I was watching it, there is one scene where the male lead yells something at the female lead and is very strong in his body language as well. It instantly took me to a very specific event in my marriage where my ex was almost identical to this actor in this scene in volume, tone, and body language. Even the first 4 words said were identical to what my ex had shouted to me. It made me catch my breath, my heart started pounding, I tensed up, almost teared up, and I completely checked out of the movie for about 30 seconds... because in an instant, I had gone back to that exact moment and relived when my ex yelled something at me, with strong and forceful hand movements in my direction as well. It was also one of the times I was actually worried he might lay a hand on me or grab me if tried to walk away. It was almost an out of body experience for those 30 seconds. Once I 'came back', I had to bring myself back to reality and mentally assure myself that that wasn't happening again, that I was safe, that it was in the past, and that he can't hurt me anymore. It was really scary, honestly. That was the strongest trigger I had had since the separation and subsequent divorce.

It made me angry that something so trivial could have triggered me that way. But it was also a good reminder that you don't get to choose when, where, or how these things surface. It hits you in an instant, with sometimes the most random of things that set you off. But you have to learn how to manage it, because triggers will always be there, to some degree. I actually purposefully watched this movie again soon after with someone else, and was mentally preparing myself for this scene that triggered me before. I braced myself, and... it didn't affect me that time. So, that's progress. 

What I wanted to emphasize with this is to expect triggers, and be prepared for them. What will you do when it happens? How will you handle it? Because it's not a matter of if, but when. It doesn't make you weak to have triggers. It makes you human. What matters is what you do with it and how you handle it. Just remember that for the next time. 

Chapter 6: Learning to Trust

As you can probably imagine, after being in an abusive marriage, I have trust issues. With so many scenarios, I find myself thinking "what's the catch?", "what's in it for him?" or I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had to play detective for so long, I immediately distrust. My therapist encouraged me to build relationships that give me the opportunity to build trust. I have been trying to do that, but it's new and different and absolutely terrifying. So once again, I wrote my feelings out in poem-form. 

Learning to Trust

When trauma has triumphed for decades or more

It makes things so hard to have your faith restored

With every small action, each kindness displayed

The default response is to try and dissuade

For kindness can’t come without something in return

There’s always a catch, it’s so hard to discern

It just feels so foreign to trust someone is kind

When for so many years, good and bad were entwined

The Jekyll and Hyde that emerged without warning

Forced a mental blockade to protect from the storming

But not all folks are like that, there is goodness out there

There are people who’ll love you, who’ll genuinely care

But how does one rewire a brain so distorted,

When everything inside tries so hard to thwart it?

Survival instincts can be deeply ingrained

And even with effort, many triggers remain

It takes so much work to allow someone in

To let someone near you and let trusting begin

There’s risk in so doing, and the fear can be strong

Each inch of your being may scream “This is wrong!”

But one thing to remember is to trust in yourself

You know what to look for, how to protect your own health

You know all the pitfalls, the red flags and signs

Look closely and don’t you ignore what you find

As long as you do this, you’ll be safe and sound

It’s time to start trusting, it’s okay, it’s allowed

Let others show you what kindness can be And then all of the hurt you can finally set free