Chapter 5: What to Do If You See Signs of Abuse

This is something I have become very passionate about in the past year. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me after they heard I filed for divorce, some variation of "oh I'm so glad. I never liked him", "I noticed he didn't treat you very well","I always had an icky feeling whenever I was around him", "His behavior concerned me", etc. Yet not a single person ever pulled me aside to say anything. On the one hand, it absolutely infuriated me when everyone else breathed a sigh of relief for me, but never said anything to me. On the other hand, I get it. You tell yourself you're reading too much into it. You feel that it's not your place. You don't want to be the cause for someone's divorce. 

But let's take that a step further. What if you sense or suspect that something is off, but choose to ignore it... and then one day what if the abuser just snaps and kills his wife? How much will you wish then, that you had said something? I was fortunate to not be in a fear-for-my-life situation, but odds are, you are probably only 1 or 2 degrees away from someone who has been or is in a fear-for-their-life situation. What if you are their only lifeline? 

I came across this video the other day that really stuck out to me. 

It is SO easy to look the other way. It's so easy to explain it away in your head, or to say it's none of your business and walk away. But also at the same time, isn't it worth 5 minutes of your time to make sure someone else is okay? Better to at least ask and be sure (and read the body language of the potential abused partner to make sure she's not just saying she's fine because she's scared of him). I'd rather bring it up/confront someone and be wrong than wonder for the rest of forever if I could have prevented something even worse from happening later. 

Call Out Signs of Abuse

As difficult and uncomfortable as it is, please say something. If it's someone you know, take your friend to lunch where it's just the two of you. Be their friend. Bring it up subtly though, because if you come on too strong, they may cut you out entirely. 

Even more so, if a friend actually confides in you about troubles in her marriage and you see red flags, you owe it to her to point those out. Now, you shouldn't immediately say "red flag, get out now", but rather, "This concerns me. This is a red flag to me because ____. That's not normal behavior. I'm worried about you." Odds are, if your friend is in an abusive relationship, she likely has no idea and may even be in denial about it. And if you try to force it all at once, you'll likely scare her and she might push you away and then you won't be able to help at all. 

Admitting you're in an abusive relationship can take time. You don't want to accept that this is where life has taken you. You don't want to believe that the man you thought you loved is actually harming you every day. Whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, it doesn't matter. It's extremely hard to accept, especially when you've been making excuses for your spouse for years and don't see it as abuse. As stated, I had multiple friends tell me "I noticed/saw/witnessed ___ but didn't want to rock the boat so I never said anything." Please say something. Even if it's as simple as "Hey, are you okay? What he just said to you is not okay. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk." 

I had no one in my corner. Not a single person in my life pointed out any red flags to me. Everyone concluded it "wasn't their place" and just ignored what they saw. Yet after the fact, now that it's "safe" to talk about, I have had multiple people tell me things they witnessed but never spoke up about. I get that you don't want to run in and ruin a marriage, and you don't have to go in guns-a-blazing... but I'm telling you, even just a simple "I'm here for you" can go a long way, especially if that friend already feels like she's on an island, or even worse, if she feels that no one would believe her because her spouse is so charming in public. Pointing out that you noticed something not okay can help validate her and help her realize that she's not going crazy and that he really is treating her poorly. Also, keep in mind... if you noticed something off in your friend's spouse in a public setting, multiply that by 10 for what goes on behind closed doors. What you witnessed might seem like something small, but that's that person's best behavior. And if it was enough to give you pause, just remember that it is likely far worse at home. 

Have you ever heard of the Bystander Effect? It's essentially where everyone assumes someone else will provide the help someone needs, therefore they all collectively ignore what they witness, and everyone moves on with their life while they ignore someone else's abuse/attack/etc. Don't be a bystander in someone else's life. If something feels off, if you witness something unacceptable, please do not just brush it off. Say something. 5 minutes of you feeling uncomfortable may save someone from 50 years of hell. 

Please bring it up, even if it's quietly and/or in passing. You may be the only lifeline your friend or acquaintance gets. 

Chapter 4: Divorce Can Be Good

For thousands of years, divorce has been a taboo subject that is looked down upon and often brings great shame to a family or individual. This needs to stop. Society as a whole tends to look down on divorce, and it's even worse inside religious communities and cultures. I was raised with the mindset of "you get married, you make it work. Divorce isn't an option." This of course was a combination of society, religion, family, etc. But by the time I got married, that was 100% my mindset. And when I commit to something, I COMMIT. So when things were almost immediately bad, I just told myself that I have to make this work. I made a commitment to myself, to my husband, and to God that I was in this for the long haul. 

Divorce never even once crossed my mind as a potential option for the first several years. Yet within the first 6 months, I fell into a deep depression so bad that I essentially lost my will to live. I got put on medication and started seeing a therapist and learned to at least manage life, but I was immediately a different person after I got married because of the way I was being treated. It wasn't until I made the decision to end the marriage over a decade later that I realized that that deep depression was quite certainly caused by an unhealthy marriage that I felt trapped in almost immediately. I even found a journal entry from 6 months in that was heartbreaking to read because I had no idea I was that level of miserable from the start. But yet I stayed. Why? Because "divorce isn't an option". 

Divorce is Sometimes the Best Option

We need to remove this stigma of "you get married, you make it work." Yes of course marriage is hard and it takes work and if you have 2 healthy, willing, and invested parties you absolutely can and should make it work. But if one or both of the parties is abusive or even just plain not willing, this mindset of "make it work" should not be pushed because in scenarios such as those, it will never work. 

My advice to anyone reading this is that if you have a friend or family member who confides in you that they are considering divorce, please do not just automatically push to save the marriage. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors. You could be dooming your friend to a lifetime of misery or even potential suicide by encouraging him/her to stay simply because "you're supposed to". Staying together because "you're supposed to" is not good enough. I firmly believe God does not want you to live out your life in misery just because the partner you chose turned out to be a completely different person than who you thought he/she was. That is not on you. That's on your spouse for lying and getting you to believe they are someone they are not. And because they turned out to be a completely different person than the one you committed to, that changes the playing field, and it changes those commitments. 

The hardest part that I couldn't get past for years is that commitment factor. I made a commitment, or a covenant, and I took that very seriously. For years I felt that if I were the one to file for divorce, I would be breaking that covenant. It wasn't until a dear friend of mine sat me down and told me that filing for divorce is not breaking that covenant. My spouse had already not upheld his own covenants due to his poor choices, and had gone down a different path than the one we were on when we first were married. I owed him nothing. In fact, I owed it to myself and my mental health and sanity to leave. I didn't deserve to be treated this way, and neither do you. 

Divorce Can Be Best for Kids

Recently, my therapist and I were talking about scenarios where divorce is the better option, and s/he rated each one on a scale that studies have shown to be best to worst, especially with regard to children.

1. A good marriage
2. A good divorce
3. A bad marriage
4. A bad divorce

Look at that order very closely. A good divorce ranks higher than a bad marriage. If all your kids hear and witness every day is their parents bickering, yelling, fighting, crying, calling each other names, degrading each other, etc., this is not healthy. Yet so many people stay together "for the kids". Over the years, I have even heard friends and family say "I wish my parents had just gotten divorced." Let's think about that for a minute. If your own children are wishing for a divorce, there is nothing healthy about staying together "for the kids". Regardless of what society or culture or religion or anyone else tells you, this is not a good enough reason to stay together. 

In many ways, you are actually putting your children more at risk of entering an unhealthy marriage of their own, because they grow up only knowing a bad marriage, and it makes them far more susceptible to marrying an incompatible person and repeating the cycle. This is especially dangerous if you are in any form of an abusive relationship. Your daughter is extremely likely to follow in your footsteps and marry a man just like her abusive father, and your son is far more likely to become an abuser if he grows up witnessing what has become "acceptable" and normal treatment of you. 

Don't allow that treatment to become normalized. Show your children you are worth more. Show your children you are strong and can do hard things, that no one should ever put up with being treated that way, and that it's okay to leave a bad situation. Get divorced for your kids. Demonstrate the courage and strength it sometimes takes to advocate for yourself. 

It's Your Choice

I want to be clear: I am not saying everyone should get a divorce. In fact, I do want you to work hard on your marriage and do everything you can to make it work, but ONLY IF your spouse is just as all-in as you and ONLY IF your spouse is not an abuser. Honestly, even if your spouse has done harmful things to you in the past, if he's open and honest about it, actively seeking therapy and treatment, and you (and others) are noticing a genuine heartfelt and lasting change, then by all means, give it a shot. 

However... also be aware that in situations where you are giving an abuser a 2nd (or 3rd, 4th, 5th) chance, you are walking an extremely fine line between wishing for change and witnessing change. You need to be very real with yourself on where things really are. If you keep trying over and over or keep forgiving over and over simply because you wish he would change or you hope that it will be different this time, you're only setting yourself up for further disappointment and abuse. Unfortunately, it's very rare for an abuser to ever change. Don't get caught up in those wishes and find yourself 20 years later still stuck in a miserable abusive relationship because you didn't want to admit the truth.

Ultimately, it is your choice. It is not his choice, it's not your mother or father's choice, it's not your friend's choice, or your ecclesiastical leader's choice. 

Choosing to stay or go is your choice and your choice alone. If you choose to stay, you need to set very clear boundaries, stick to them, and have consequences clearly defined that you are willing to carry out should those boundaries be crossed. If you choose divorce, you need to be prepared. Gather your support system, and lean on them heavily, because it will not be an easy road. But if you do choose the divorce path, I promise you it gets better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and life does get better. 

And as always, if you feel alone and have no one to talk to, please email me and I would be more than happy to talk. I was on an island for years and I don't ever want anyone to feel that way. ❤️