When you're in a toxic relationship, desensitization can become second nature. It's like a frog in a pot of water that gradually boils and eventually kills the frog. It happens so slowly over time that you don't even realize it has happened to you. One definition:
Desensitization is a process that diminishes emotional responsiveness to a stimulus after repeated exposure to it. Desensitization also occurs when an emotional response is repeatedly evoked in situations in which the action tendency that is associated with the emotion proves irrelevant or unnecessary.
Shortly after my divorce, I experienced a few unexpected triggers that brought up memories to the surface I didn't know I had. I also found some old journal entries that talked about things that seemed like they should have been events burned into my brain forever, yet I had completely forgotten all existence of them. I thought "were things so bad that I blocked it from my memory?" I discussed it with my therapist and s/he said that it's more likely that I had become desensitized to the way things were on a regular basis. S/he asked me "could you tell me what you ate for breakfast the last 5 days? Or what shirt you wore?" Most people will answer no that, not because it was traumatic, but because the brain deems it as irrelevant. While yes, things that I experienced were traumatic, it was so commonplace that my brain didn't categorize it as traumatic, and it was just filed away as unnecessary to remember because of how commonplace it was.
Unfortunately, in a toxic or abusive relationship, you will have many many instances of your brain categorizing traumatic things as irrelevant because they just become so normal. The problem for me was also that my ex had done such a good job of isolating me and scaring me into never talking with anyone about the things that were going on at home, that I was fully desensitized. I had no objective 3rd party to tell me "that's not normal", so I didn't know things were as bad as they were.
Shortly before our split, my ex had left me a pretty awful voicemail. For some reason, I ended up playing the voicemail for a friend about a week later. As it began playing, her jaw dropped, she gasped, covered her mouth in shock, looked up at me and said "my husband has NEVER spoken to me like that... EVER." Really? It was that bad? That wasn't normal? I honestly had no idea. I had been desensitized. It was not uncommon for him to speak to me that way, so I didn't realize it wasn't normal. To this day, I still have that voicemail saved and any time I wonder "was it really that bad?", I play the voicemail and remember that yes, it really was that bad. I can listen to it more objectively now, now that I'm not a desensitized frog in a pot of water. And I keep it as a reminder to never be that frog again.
THIS is why it is VITAL to have a confidant of some kind. Friend, neighbor, family member, therapist, I don't care who it is. Your mental health absolutely NEEDS you to have an objective 3rd party to speak with. I don't care what your spouse/partner says, if they try to prevent that, they are isolating you and that's another form of abuse. If they don't want you to have any friends or confidants, it's because they don't want to be exposed. But just as that frog doesn't realize the water is getting hotter, neither will you. But if someone walks up to the pot and looks in and sees it starting to bubble, they can say "whoa that is getting HOT we need to get you out of there" before you boil. You likely won't be able to see it yourself because of how gradual it is. You need someone to talk with.
Please, please do not feel like you have to bear the burden of everything on your own. You NEED other people, and other people will want to help you. If you feel like you have no one in your own world to trust, please go to thehotline.org. You can call, chat, or text and someone will be able to help you. Please don't become that frog that gets boiled. You are worth more. ❤️
