Chapter 10: Do You Feel Safe?

 

Feeling safe in any relationship is extremely important. If you don't feel safe, you will never be able to truly be yourself, you will never truly relax, and your sense of fight, flight, or freeze will be permanently activated as an involuntary self-preservation mechanism, without you even realizing it. You need to be able to feel safe with your significant other. And I'm not talking just physically safe. I mean all of it - physically, emotionally, intimately, everything. But the question is... how do you know if you feel safe? Maybe your world has been upside-down for so long, you legitimately don't know what constitutes feeling safe in a relationship. 

This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately, as I've recently discovered that I never felt safe with my ex. And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I've never felt truly safe with any guy I have ever dated in my past. I always had my guard up to some degree or another. I always felt that I needed it; to make sure I didn't get put into a situation I wasn't comfortable with, and to make sure I could protect myself from 'him'. And I'm not even saying every guy I dated was bad. But some of them I felt I could never be 100% authentic around, some of them I had to make sure they didn't try to push my boundaries, some I knew I had to avoid certain topics, and so on. Ultimately, I was never fully relaxed. I could never safely be 100% authentically ME. 

What Creates Safety in a Relationship?

I wanted to think hard on this, especially since this sense of feeling safe in a relationship is not something I'm very familiar with. So I did some homework, and found a few things I really like and want to include, though this is most certainly not an all-inclusive list, and also is in no particular order. (And to clarify, all of these qualities are a two-way street. Yes, your partner should have these qualities, but you should as well. So while the below may be worded toward your partner, make sure to read these and also ask yourself, do you exhibit these qualities as well? And if not, what can you do to improve upon them?)

Predictability

This is not the definition you're probably thinking of when you hear this word. This is being able to predict behaviors and reactions. Knowing that you are SAFE to be yourself, to speak your mind, etc., because you know your partner is not going to react unpredictably. To achieve a true feeling of safety, you and your partner will have developed a sense of trust where you know he isn't going to react in an unexpected way, no matter what you say.

My ex was highly unpredictable. He was hot and cold from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour. One day he would laugh at something I said, and the very next day I'd say the same thing and he'd be angry and extremely offended and sometimes downright scary. It was highly stressful and extremely exhausting, and my fight/flight/freeze was activated 24/7 because of this (among other things). 

When you know what to expect from your partner, you can feel safe knowing they aren't going to unexpectedly blow up. If your partner does not have predictable behaviors, you will always be anxious to some degree, and you will never fully open up to him or be able to truly be yourself. Predictability is so important. 

Reliability and Accountability

When your partner promises he'll do something, does he do it? And if he doesn't, does he own it or does he give excuses for why he didn't do it? Sure, we all forget things from time to time, but is it the exception or the rule? And if he forgets something, does he say "oh my gosh I am so sorry, I completely forgot" and immediately do whatever was promised, or is it more "I was going to but something came up at work and there was traffic and then I ran out of gas" and not even attempt to make up for it? 

In order to feel safe in a relationship, you need to be able to rely on your partner. And your partner needs to be able to take full accountability for his actions (or lack of actions). If you entrust your partner with something important that needs to get done, you need to know that he won't let you down, so you can relax. Otherwise, you will be on edge until you know for sure it's done, and your stress levels will remain through the roof. 

Integrity

This is the gold medal of safety in a relationship for me. You need to know that your partner is a person of integrity. I pulled an actual definition for this one because of how critical this one is for me: 

Integrity is the practice of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles and values.

A relationship cannot thrive without integrity. If there is no integrity, there is no honesty. If there is no honesty, there is no trust. If there is no trust, there is no safety. Simple as that. Your partner MUST have integrity. He must be honest with you. He needs to be able to be honest not only with you, but with himself, and with everyone he interacts with. If I could only choose one quality, it would be this one. That's how important this is to me. 

Presence

When you are with your partner, is he present? Do you have his full attention? Is he there in the moment with you, genuinely interested in you and/or the two of you? Or can you sense he'd rather be anywhere else talking to anyone else about anything else? When you're out to dinner, is he engaging with you or is he on his phone? Is he looking at you/talking with you or watching other people (or a restaurant TV)?  Being fully present with each other is so important. Without this, everything else begins to fade away rather quickly. 

Respect

Does he respect you in all aspects? If you say "no", does he listen and stop or does he try to push the issue or request? If you tell him you need a minute, does he give you time or does he push the issue further? If you set a boundary, does he respect that boundary or completely ignore it? Respect and safety go hand in hand. If you're not being respected in a relationship, bottom line, you will not feel safe. If you're constantly worried about whether or not he will listen to what you've said or requested, you will feel unsafe on at least one if not many levels, and you will always have your guard up. A healthy (and safe) relationship has mutual respect, and even if the other party doesn't understand the 'why', they respect the fact that you said no, need a minute, have a boundary, etc. 

Empathy

I never understood how critical this one was until the last few years. Is your partner able to understand and feel the emotions someone else is experiencing? Do you feel validated, heard, understood, seen, loved, etc? Or do you feel like he doesn't understand you at all and doesn't seem willing to take the time to try and walk a mile in your shoes? If you never feel heard or validated, you're already off to a very rocky start. If your partner constantly glosses over and/or minimizes your fears, pains, etc., you will not feel SAFE in talking about these things next time around and will keep many more things to yourself. You need to be able to be with someone who will really and truly hear you and allow you to feel, and who will seek to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and want to be a help to you, not a hindrance.

Non-Judgment

You need to be able to feel safe in expressing yourself. If you are going to be vulnerable with someone, you absolutely need to know that your partner will not think differently of you, will still be there for you, and will allow you to speak your mind. Now, this doesn't mean allow you to say degrading terrible things - that's never okay. But if there's something you're afraid to talk about, you need to know that your partner will be non-judgmental. You need to feel SAFE knowing that it's not going to blow up in your face. 

If you did something you're not proud of or need to own up to something you did, you need to know that your partner is not going to go ballistic. Yes, he is allowed to be upset, but there's a big difference in being upset and say, turning violent. 

Even if it's something you don't know, you can't be afraid to say "I don't know how to do that." If your partner is constantly judging you for your shortcomings, that's not a very safe environment and doesn't allow any room for closeness or growth. Your partner needs to be non-judgmental in order for you to feel fully safe and fully able to be your true self. 

Sensitivity

Is your partner sensitive to things you and/or others are going through? Does he have tact? Does he recognize "there's a time and a place" for certain things? Even if he thinks you're being dramatic, does he allow you to feel? Is he capable of taking a step back and acknowledging that while he may not see why something is so hard for you or such a big deal for you, that for whatever reason, it IS hard for you? Or does he completely invalidate you, tell you to get over it, minimize your feelings or experience, and/or get angry at you for feeling anything at all? 

I once attempted to be very vulnerable with my ex about something that was one of the most difficult challenges of my life. I needed him to see me in that moment, and at the bare minimum to say "I'm so sorry this is so hard for you." Instead, I was met with extreme resistance, and told repeatedly, "facts don't care about feelings". It crushed me. In a moment of extreme vulnerability when I needed sensitivity the most, I received none. 

If you can't trust that your partner will allow you to feel, no matter how silly it may seem to him, you will be met with pain and disappointment, and a profound lack of feeling safe. 

Validation

I read an article recently that said "when you validate someone's emotions, you are showing them that they are important to you." Now, this does not mean that your partner must agree with you. He can still very much disagree with you, but he can validate you and your feelings and say he understands why you feel a certain way. Another article said "this creates a particular kind of safety that is a true balm for those of us who have been across from some crazy-making people in our past."

When you have little to no validation, you do begin to feel like you might be going a little crazy. When you are not allowed your own space to think and feel, you may begin to wonder if something is wrong with you and continue on that downward spiral. Validation is so extremely important to a healthy relationship and especially to a relationship that fosters any sense and feeling of safety. 

Moderation

Think of what it would be like if you were with someone who went from happy to angry to sad to violent with zero in-between emotions. That's not going to feel very safe. Yes, emotions may fluctuate, even within the same conversation or argument, but is it within a reasonable scale over a reasonable amount of time? If you bring up a topic of conversation and your partner out of nowhere goes from jovial to yelling in a matter of seconds, that is not normal. If you bring up something, even if your partner is upset about it, he shouldn't escalate that rapidly.

I like the insight given on this topic from an article I found: "moderation creates a sense of solidity and safety with people, as bouncing between extremes can feel emotionally and physically dangerous and draining." Yes, there will be times all of us feel happy, angry, sad, etc. But most people feel those in moderation, not in extremes. If your partner reacts in extremes, you likely will not feel safe because you never know what's going to set him off. Just as it is said in many other areas of life, "all things in moderation". 

Safety is Critical for a Healthy Relationship

I want to reiterate the importance of reviewing each of these introspectively as well. Are YOU predictable? Reliable? Do you have integrity? Are you present? Empathetic?  Non-judgmental? Sensitive? Do you respect and validate others? Are your emotions kept in check/in moderation? Both parties need to have these in order for a relationship to be healthy and for both parties to be able to feel safe. Look seriously at yourself to see where your own shortcomings may be and work on the ones you may be lacking in. 

If you're single, keep this list in mind as you date. This will help load your red flag arsenal to ensure you don't get caught up in an unhealthy relationship. If you are married or currently dating someone, how well does your partner pass the above criteria? 

Do YOU feel safe? 

If you don't feel safe, what do you need in order to feel safe? Can you achieve safety in your current relationship, or is it time to consider moving on? Only you can decide that, but please be sure not to make rationalizations or cling to false hope or empty promises or some sense of duty. Yes, some relationships are absolutely salvageable; but some aren't. It's such a fine line and it's so hard to identify because every situation is different, so please take some time to analyze and decide for yourself. 

Ultimately, each and every one of us deserves to feel fully safe in our relationships. Please do not sacrifice that feeling of safety for any reason. And as always, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you truly feel unsafe or scared or even just need someone to talk to.

Website: https://www.thehotline.org/

Call: 1-800-787-3224 OR 1-800-799-7233

Text: Text "START" to 88788

They are really good at helping you get to safety and/or feel safe. If you currently feel unsafe in any way, please reach out to someone. I know I may sound like a broken record, but I have become so passionate about this because I felt so alone for so many years and if this helps just one person reach safety, then this whole blog will have been worth it. 

Chapter 9: It's Not Your Fault

I had something happen yesterday that had me blaming myself for the whole thing, even though it was almost entirely out of my control. I found myself apologizing incessantly, I was filled with anxiety, and was shockingly fearful of potential repercussions. I just kept beating myself up about it over and over again. A million "coulda woulda shoulda" thoughts consumed me last night. 

After some processing, I realized there were even more things my ex messed me up with. In the marriage, whatever the disagreement was wouldn't end until I agreed with his perspective, and apologized for essentially having a different opinion. Somehow it was my fault.

If something didn't go as planned, even if it was out of my control, if the event or outing was my idea, it was instantly 100% my fault and I was in trouble for it. 
If the event took longer than I promised it would take, it was my fault.
If it wasn't exactly as outlined, if was my fault.
If something didn't work out, it was my fault.
If there was a hiccup in any way, it was my fault.

And I wouldn't hear the end of it, sometimes for days. No amount of apologizing was satisfactory enough, so I found myself just apologizing over and over again, trying desperately to make the dissatisfaction go away. I didn't realize until last night how much that still affects me, until I found myself overly apologizing to someone for something that wasn't even my fault but that I felt responsible for. 

So as I often do, I wrote a poem to get my thoughts and feelings out.

It's Not Your Fault

You were conditioned for so many years, to take on the blame for it all
No matter the instance, the setting, the day, you were your abuser’s rag doll
You believed when he told you that it was your fault, if only you’d done x, y, z
Each day like a minefield you prayed didn’t explode, but a safe path impossible to see

So every small action, reaction, and thought, had you bracing for more of the pain
Emotional, verbal, psychological too; how’d you get here? Your life wrapped in chains
Don’t ever you dare disagree with his thoughts, you’ll be worse off than when you began
He’ll lash out, get violent, and walk out the door, you alone with your head in your hands

And then while he’s gone for some hours or days, you believe the root problem is you
So once he returns you then beg, plead, and cry, and abide by his every last rule
But what you can’t see while you’re stuck in that cloud, is that it’s not on you, it’s on him
He has some real issues he will not address, this is a battle you cannot win

No matter how hard you think “I can fix him”, it won’t help if he’s unwilling to change
You’ve tried all you can, but it’ll never be enough, those attempts now are long out of range
It’s time to escape and to set yourself free, yes it’s easier said than done
Get your things, leave the house, and do not blame yourself, if you do this you’ve already won

Now go build a new life, find your strength once again, rediscover what it’s like to be you
There’s a force deep inside you that you can release, and this power will help you get through
He’s in the past now, he can’t hurt you again, please forget all the things you were taught
And if anything please don’t forget this one thing, that none of these scars are your fault.

Chapter 8: Repressed Memories

I had a weird experience the other day. I was reading through some old journal entries, more to help myself realize how far I've come in my process, and came across one that was pretty detailed about a certain instance with my ex. This was only a couple years into our marriage, and stemmed from a conversation that should not have sent him from 0-60 the way it did. Part of my entry:

"He FREAKED out, almost yelled, banged his fist on the ironing board several times and practically shouted, [not including what he said]. Then, before I could even say anything else, he’d already put his shoes on, grabbed his coat and keys and said forcefully, “I’m not coming home until YOU are ready to talk.” He slammed the door, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. That was probably about 2 hours ago."

The rest of that entry was me trying desperately to understand what he got so upset about, and blaming almost the entire thing on myself. I also have no idea how long he was out that night. I was especially confused about the "until you are ready to talk" part, because I was never not willing. I had simply expressed some concern about something. (Looking back though, I think he said that because he really meant "until you're ready to agree with me.") Also, notice how I said "almost yelled" and "practically shouted". Always trying to lessen what actually happened. I think I was constantly trying to convince myself that it wasn't as bad as it really was... probably because I didn't want to admit or accept that this was my life.

The point in bringing this up is that I have ZERO recollection of this day. None whatsoever. Reading it did not jog my memory at all. I might as well have been reading a stranger's journal. Then it occurred to me... I still have that same ironing board... is there a dent in it that I never noticed, from that very night where he "banged his fist on the ironing board several times"? I went downstairs and examined the ironing board, and there is very clearly a dent in that ironing board. He banged his fist so hard on it that there is a dent that I never noticed, because the fabric of the ironing board covered it up. I sat there in awe that I had never noticed this, and even more so, that I had absolutely zero memory of this ever even happening.

Then it had me very seriously wondering... what else did my brain suppress? What other repressed memories do I have tucked into some deep dark corner of my psyche? Was he actually more violent than I recall? Was my brain just in survival mode for so long that it protected me from remembering - or reliving - other scary experiences? I'm fairly certain he never actually hit me, but I do remember one instance in the same time frame as the above where I flinched and instinctively lifted my hand to protect myself. He didn't actually hit me that day, but did I react instinctively that way for a reason? Had he been violent with me before that reflexive protective move? Now, I honestly have no idea. I don't think so, but... clearly there are things from the marriage I do not remember if the entire above experience was 100% wiped from my memory. Or maybe I flinched because I had seen him hit other things enough in the past, and I was the closest thing to him that time, and maybe my body feared he would take it out on me since I had witnessed him to do that enough to nearby inanimate objects. I really have no idea anymore. 

However, some things to remember regarding hitting and abuse --> this quote resonated really strongly with me.

• When he gets angry you actually start to shake, because you know his words cut like a knife; he may throw things, yell, scream or storm out in a rage, BUT he doesn't hit you.
• You walk on eggshells with everything you say and do, just trying to keep the peace everyday; BUT he doesn't hit you.
• He isolates you from family or friends, blames you for his behavior and for all his and your problems, or may give you the silent treatment; BUT he doesn't hit you.
• He insults, ridicules, humiliates or belittles you, calls you names, swears and curses at you, or may threaten you with bodily harm, BUT he doesn’t hit you.

Just so we're clear, all of that is ABUSE. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. And all of that is traumatic. And your brain could for whatever reason choose to wipe events like that from your memory. My ex would punch in anger whatever was near him, sometime he'd throw things, or rip things up. It made me flinch every time. I was watching an episode of a TV show with someone yesterday where the male character is really upset about something and a female friend tries to soothe him, and he pushes her hands away pretty forcefully and then slams his fist on a desk multiple times. I flinched. Turns out, I'm still affected by small stuff like that if even that caused me to flinch.

Almost everything in that first bullet was accounted for in that journal entry snippet. He got angry, said hurtful things, yelled, and stormed out in a rage. He had me confused about why he was as mad as he was, therefore, walking on eggshells all the time and me constantly apologizing for things to "keep the peace". He had already done a great job of isolating me from the beginning, so that one is just a given. And he had this underhanded way of throwing insults that made it difficult for me to even identify as insults or belittling. He would state things as facts, and tell me "I'm sorry, but you needed to know." And he would say it so matter-of-factly that I believed it. I was too ___ or not enough ___ or needed to seriously work on ___, etc. and he'd tell me "facts don't care about feelings". And if something he said crushed me and I started crying, then he'd tell me that's why he never talks to me about things, because "I can't handle hard things/'the truth.' " Near the end of our marriage, more swearing had started to come out, too. He knew how much I dislike swearing, so for him to start using those words cut like a knife each time.

I probably do have a lot of repressed memories. Those were not happy times. Many times were downright traumatic. I was just trying to survive day to day, and my brain was trying to protect me and help me just make it through another day. If I do have a bunch of repressed memories, I may never know the full extent of what happened; and that's okay. I'm moving past it and am building a new and stronger me.

But if you find that you have zero memory of certain traumatic events, know that you are not alone. And remember that your brain was just trying to protect you. Forgive yourself and your brain, recognize that it was a survival mechanism that kicked in, and move forward with the knowledge that your life isn't that life anymore.